Archive: Phantom

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The Phantom, 12/5/15

Aw, a flashback to young Phantom romance! You know, I always thought for some reason that Diana was supposed to be American, but apparently she grew up in Bangalla? In some suburban colonial enclave? Where our hero, who we’ve seen in previous flashbacks as wearing the finest in junglewear loincloths, just sort of wanders around half-naked? “Good-bye little boy! I wonder where he came from, and why the guards didn’t keep him out?”

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 12/5/15

Loweezy’s analysis of her predicament shows that she’s quite familiar with the germ theory of disease. Thus, I can only interpret her decision to shove her snot-ridden handkerchief directly under Elviney’s nose as one of pure spite. If she’s sick, then everyone’s going to be sick, by God.

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The Phantom, 12/1/15

Whoa, all this time the Phantom has been trying to bully his son into heroism and suggesting he should go to Tibet for a years-long monastery education, like Phantoms past, but it turns out he spent his youth at some fancy New York boarding school! I don’t actually care about that one way or the other; I mostly am amused by the fact that (a) the Ghost Who Feels A Need To Project Patriarchal Authority sits on his massive Skull Throne when having family discussions and (b) has Box 7 at the Mawitaan post office. I mean, he’s a series of men who’ve been pretending to be the same deathless hero for multiple centuries. Who do you suppose got boxes 1 through 6? How many immortal ghosts can one mid-sized African republic support?

Six Chix, 12/1/15

Wait, people know this poem is about fighting off inevitable death, right. OBVIOUSLY THE CAT DOESN’T WANT TO GO OUT AT NIGHT, IT WILL GET HIT BY A CAR OR EATEN BY A COYOTE, WHO EVEN PUTS THEIR CAT OUT AT NIGHT ANYMORE, STOP MAKING GRIM POETRY JOKES ABOUT DYING CATS YOU MONSTER

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Hagar the Horrible, 11/10/15

You know, we spend a lot of time watching Hagar and his Viking band destroying other people’s homes, so it’s about time we get some payback and see all of his worldly possessions, and possibly his terrified family, go up in flames. I feel strongly enough about this that I’m willing to accept Attila the Hun being the perpetrator, even though that’s about 500 years and 1,500 miles away from historical accuracy.

Mary Worth and The Phantom, 11/10/15

Haha, one of these people is a lot more interested in extending this relationship than the other one! “Uh, thanks for the ride, have fun with your actual friends!” “Here’s my number! I’ll be here for weeks! Call me about anything! An-y-thing.

Judge Parker, 11/10/15

Oh, whew, Sam and Abbey don’t have to figure out how to get rid of the RV that they bought for a song and then suddenly got bored with. It’s going to serve as Neddy’s dowry!