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Beetle Bailey, 8/14/14

It’s kind of amazing that Otto is perfectly capable of understanding symbolic language — for instance, he knows that fire hydrants are a longstanding visual shorthand for dog urination in our culture, even though no dog urinates exclusively on fire hydrants — and yet he somehow can’t figure out how to go to the bathroom in a toilet.

Dick Tracy, 8/14/14

These movie assignations are actually a cover for Dick and Annie to discuss their escape from Weird Maybe Time-Travel Island, but still, the idea that an adult police officer would help break a tween girl’s crush on him by literally taking her on dates is pretty gross! Haha, but everyone in ThePastBurg wants to get into Officer Tracy’s pants, so it’s totally OK.

Funky Winkerbean, 8/14/14

Hey, remember a couple days ago when I said Les’s fantasy sequence would be mildly more interesting than the whole Lisa’s Story movie plotline? Well, that was before I knew it would involve sexy ladies trying to get Les to have sex with them! Now it’s grosser, and not just mildly grosser.

Mark Trail, 8/14/14

Mark trail is such a dedicated naturalist that he’s going to make sure you know what kind of python this is, before, under duress and with great respect and sadness, he’s forced to slice off its head.

Wizard of Id, 8/14/14

In a cross-promotion of the Discovery Channel’s Shark Week that I’m sadly certain is entirely unpaid, the Wiz in Wizard of Id has turned himself into a shark! A shark that yearns for shark-sex with lady sharks. The intersection of monogamy and animagery is in fact deeply complex.

Pluggers, 8/14/14

The most common use a plugger has for computers is figuring out how to poop more easily.

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Mark Trail, 8/6/14

Wow, you guys, in a totally shocking development that nobody could’ve predicted, Chris Dyer is totally in on this rhino-poaching business! Anyway, it’s kind of sad that nobody in the poacher camp is calling Chris “Dirty.” If you can’t count on your drunk, loutish, hirsute criminal associates to use the ridiculous attempt at a badass nickname you’ve picked out for yourself, who can you count on?

Judge Parker, 8/6/14

Sam may be grossed out by Gloria’s emotions, but now that she’s revealed her intention to raise human livestock, his lips are parting in excitement! Whether her helpless victims are grown in pens and fed a diet of high-fat slurry before being cooked and served as a delicacy to a very wealthy and discrete clientele or we’re talking about a free-range Most Dangerous Game-type scenario, he wants in.

Pluggers, 8/6/14

Pluggers can no longer keep up with cultural change, and also all their friends are dying.

Family Circus, 8/6/14

Noooooo Jeffy, He can hear you, He will punish us with terrible, scorching heat for your blasphemy

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Apartment 3-G, 7/28/14

I’m back everybody! Isn’t it great when come back from a long time away and discover that literally nothing has changed? Tommie and Carol are wearing the same clothes they were wearing two weeks ago, and are still just standing around talking about nothing of any interest to anyone! The two of them cruelly drove away beloved non-Tommie non-Carol character “Tina” and since then it’s just been the two of them yammering away in an otherwise empty universe. Oh, were you excited by the prospect of what excitement an appearance from “Doc Wheeler” might’ve brought to the strip? Hate to break it to you, but there isn’t any “Doc Wheeler.” We sure didn’t see him on panel. Probably Tommie formed some straw into a vaguely man-shaped pile and said “Look! It’s Doc Wheeler!” and Carol said “Hey there, ‘Big Wheel!'” and then they both laughed and laughed for way, way longer than they should have.

Judge Parker, 7/28/14

Meanwhile, all sorts of things happened in Judge Parker, the main thing being that Neddy has finally come into her own as a Spencer-Driver. Balancing the books of her “Made In The USA” clothing line on the backs of the Social Security and Medicare trust funds and/or old people’s desperation? Heading down to the factory she owns to smugly watch the elderly try to operate machinery and thread needles with trembling, arthritic hands? Abbey’s right: she should’ve told Sam this sooner. He’d eat that shit up.

Better Half, 7/28/14

Also, the Better Half continued its slow and steady migration from “slightly less hateful Lockhorns knockoff” to “full-on surreal horror-nightmare.” I’m reading “spliced a pig gene with the DNA of an aerobics instructor” as meaning an aerobics instructor got some genetic material from a pig and not vice-versa, which means that the Better Half takes place in a dystopian future where even a small amount of artificially engineered DNA in a human’s genome makes that human an un-person who can be killed, cooked, and eaten without fear of legal or social repercussions.

Pluggers, 7/28/14

Deep down, pluggers know that their supposedly non-ideological knee-jerk “they’re all crooks!” attitude towards elected officials is a cop-out.