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Apartment 3-G, 2/18/12

Nina appears to be trying an advanced variation on the “smoke yourself thin” technique. Remember, everyone, a low baby birth weight means fewer stretch marks and shorter labor for you! And a host of health problems and cognitive deficits for the baby, but, whatever, let’s focus on the important things here.

Mary Worth, 2/18/12

Ha ha, Toby’s eyes are little pinpoints of rage and disbelief in the second panel. “‘Unhappy childhood?’ Are you fucking kidding me? I’ve spent most of my adulthood married to Ian Cameron, but you give me a 20-minute lecture if I use the wrong fork.”

Pluggers, 2/18/12

Pluggers know that dwelling on how old you are is no way to steer the conversation to a desperate drunken hookup that might stave away the loneliness for a little while.

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Pluggers, 2/10/12

OH GOD THE PAIN, THE PAIN IS SO BAD, HOW AM I EXPECTED TO THINK ABOUT SEX WHEN IT HURTS SO BAD (I’m talking, of course, about the pain of seeing a boner joke in Pluggers).

Apartment 3-G, 2/10/12

At first I was going to complain that by “baby bump” we clearly mean “a visibly pregnant belly that anyone would have noticed long ago at this point in the conversation if they weren’t incredibly self-absorbed,” but then I remembered, ha ha, Margo!

Herb and Jamaal, 2/10/12

Ha ha, it’s funny because Herb is now openly rooting for his mother-in-law’s death!

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Pluggers, 2/5/12

I’m more than a little embarrassed to admit how much time I spent trying to figure out this Pluggers. Was there some site in the Belgian Ardennes where part of the Battle of the Bulge took place that had a name that sounded vaguely like “à la mode?” Eventually I figured out that it was just a dumb pun on “Alamo” because pluggers have only the vaguest sense of history, but know they saw something about couple o’ battles on the History Channel once, and also they eat ice cream compulsively. I HATE YOU MORE THAN EVER PLUGGERS.

Panel from Mary Worth, 2/5/12

One of Mary Worth’s sinister missions is to present brief quotes from radicals and weirdos in an attempt to make them seem bland and unthreatening. Today’s epigraph comes from a parallel universe where John Lennon wasn’t assassinated but instead took up a new career as a corporate motivational speaker.

Panels from Slylock Fox, 2/5/12

Oh look, the snowman is frowning because its very body is liquifying! It’s sad because it’s helpless to prevent its own horrible death, plus there’s some kind of monstrous demon-thing on its head grinning maniacally as it crumbles. This is a whimsical cartoon for children!

Apartment 3-G, 2/5/12

Ha ha, I’m really loving the way that Apartment 3-G, despite its dated aesthetics, is embracing America-in-decline’s warped values. “Whatever, Tommie, I guess saving lives and helping bring new babies into the world is just soooo important that you don’t have the time to churn out some forgettable pop hits that could make you and the multinational conglomerate bankrolling you a crapload of money. I’m not mad, just disappointed.”