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Funky Winkerbean, 11/23/22

Oh my God, Mr. Davidson the janitor is some kind of near-immortal being, charged with subtly guiding the world under his care, just like the characters in the MCU movie Eternals (maybe? like all normal people, I did not see that movie or read the comics it was based on). Anyway, it turns out that despite his apparent old age, in the context of his own kind he’s just a beginner, which explains why the Funkyverse is so deeply fucked up.

Dick Tracy, 11/23/22

I guess the glory days of Dick Tracy really are behind us: instead of having his skull exploded by powerful magnets, Steelface just got mildly burned and then left the hospital in a huff over the substandard medical care they provided, and instead of being shot in the back for “resisting arrest” by Dick and his goons, he’s just going to learn through irony that stealing cars isn’t very nice, and so he’ll wind his stolen car ring up post-haste and move on to more socially productive pursuits.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 11/23/22

Oh wow, look at how mad Truck is! He’s beginning to suspect that Mud Mountain’s whole binge eating/onstage pants-shitting bit was just a ruse that successfully promoted him from opening act to headliner! This is why you never found stardom, Truck: you have to be willing to endure any humiliation, public or private, if it advances your career. You never had what it takes and you never will.

Pluggers, 11/23/22

A fun fact is that on more than one occasion I’ve started to take a shower and realized I still had my hearing aids on, which is a much more terrifying situation vis-a-vis replacement costs than the one in which this plugger finds himself. But it turns out they’re pretty hardy gadgets and they came through OK! Anyway, I have out-pluggered a Pluggers and now I need to go take a long shower (without my glasses or hearing aids on) to cry.

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Mary Worth, 11/14/22

I have to say that I’m proud of our girl Iris here: the fact that she was almost dragged to her death by the weight of her hunky boyfriend’s rippling muscles is intrinsically far more interesting than the fact that she later accepted his marriage proposal, and she’s right to lead with it. I’ll even allow her to imply that the big story was her own potential doom, which seemed a lot less likely thank Zak’s, if only because it’ll rattle Mary’s cage a little. “That’s right, Mary, I’m out there getting that high you can only get by staring your own mortality in the face. What’s the closest you’ve ever come to meeting your maker lately? Letting Dr. Jeff steer the boat when he’s had two Michelob Ultras?”

Dennis the Menace, 11/14/22

This is definitely one of the grimmest panels Dennis the Menace has ever done. Every night Mr. Wilson has one nightmare, the same one that also occupies his every waking moment. Keep pulling on whatever you’ve wrapped around his neck, Dennis, and put him out his misery.

Dustin, 11/14/12

A fun fact about Dustin, the newspaper comic strip about the conflicts between feckless young people and their older family members who genuinely despite them, is that it’s one of the newer comics in the syndicated world and yet was also launched in 2010, which I regret to inform you was a full 12 years ago at this point. Now, in 2010, would a storyline about a young person trying out this new “blogging” business make sense? Sure, barely. Does it now, in the year of our lord 2022? Let me assure you that it very much does not. As America’s #1 newspaper comics blogger, I am uniquely positioned to deliver this sad news.

Pluggers, 11/14/12

ME [in a room full of high-powered Hollywood executives/perverts]: Gentlemen, it’s been more than 20 years since we made history with American Pie, the story of a teenage boy who fucks a pie. America’s gotten a lot weirder since then. So what if, for our next move… [I advance the PowerPoint slide deck to reveal “PLUGGERS: THE MOVIE: A BEAR FUCKS AN ICE CREAM CONE”] [the Hollywood perverts shower me with $100 bills]

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Shoe, 10/27/22

I’m trying to figure out what the funniest message the Joint Chiefs of Staff could send to a small-town newspaper on an 8 x 11 sheet of paper in tiny font that would raise this level of shock from the Perfesser. I’m thinking “America’s civilian leadership has failed! The military must take control and begin the process of national regeneration. Do you happen to know the President’s phone number?”

Mary Worth, 10/27/22

With Zak’s life hanging in the balance (literally) and Iris unable or unwilling to hulk out, there’s only one thing left that can save our star- and age-crossed lovers: the power of prayer! Remember, when Wilbur was forced by circumstances into the ultimate indignity (climbing a tree) in order to hold starvation at bay, he beseeched the Almighty for help and was immediately transported to a party island, so I certainly hope God intervenes here as well and Zak falls harmlessly onto a cool trampoline while a bunch of positive-vibes bro onlookers cheer.

Pluggers, 10/27/22

EXTREMELY DEPRESSING PLUGGERS SCENARIO, 2006: I’m so desperate for cash I need to pawn my television, depriving me of some of the few joys I have left, for just a few meager dollars!

EXTREMELY DEPRESSING PLUGGERS SCENARIO, 2022: The computer watch tells me I can sleep now. Sleep. Sleep. You can tell from my facial expression that the only time I feel any pleasure is in that brief moment after I’ve been given permission to slip into blessed unconsciousness but before sleep takes me and I stop feeling anything at all.