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Rex Morgan, M.D., 7/18/17

Just to show you where I’m at with Rex Morgan, M.D., emotionally, every once in a while a strip comes along where I can sort of visualize a potentially interesting story direction if I squint at it, but I don’t talk about here, but then it turns out soon afterwards that nothing actually interesting is going to come of it, and then I do talk about that here. So, like: yesterday, June’s old pal Margie, who’s shown up after having not seen June for many years, casually mentioned that her son and Michael Morgan were born on the same day, which … how could she know that??? Possibly because she’s been stalking the Morgans for a long time in prepration for some long-term grift or Single White Female situation? Anyway, turns out nope, it’s just that June sent a birth announcement to her hometown paper for some reason. Boring! I promise to keep you up to date as this situation singularly fails to develop.

Dennis the Menace, 7/18/17

“The trouble with Dennis is that he arrives more often than he leaves, in violation of the Law of Conservation of Dennises. With each new ‘hello’ without a corresponding ‘goodbye,’ another iteration of Dennis exists in the house. I’m not sure if this is just straight-up time travel or something much more complex involving the nature of causality, but our local section of the space-time continuum is definitely feeling the strain!”

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Rex Morgan, M.D., 7/16/17

It’s no secret that the last exciting thing that happened in Rex Morgan was Sarah getting hit by a car, but with each new story I allow myself to experience a frisson of hope. Sure, “June’s childhood best friend comes to visit” may not seem like it has a lot of meat to it, but the presence of her child has my “I’m planning on crashing with you indefinitely” sense tingling. Remember when June’s trashy cousin showed up and wouldn’t leave because she’d had a fight with her mom, and Sarah verbalized the class-based judgements that her parents were more subtle about, and then the cousin’s dumb boyfriend showed up too and Sarah made him hand over his skateboard as his price for laying low in the basement, but eventually he painted whales in his basement prison and June’s cousin got a job as a manicurist so everything worked out fine? That was great, and what I’m trying to say is that this lady and her kid better be fleeing a dicey domestic situation, or creditors, or the Irish mob, or something interesting, or else I’m gonna be real mad.

Spider-Man, 7/16/17

The amount of time Mole-Man spends justifying the plundering of Subterranea’s public treasury for his own private gain as he fled his former realm indicates that he knows exactly how unjustified the whole thing is. “Look, uh, I left most of it behind! My former subjects, who did all the manual labor to extract it, are welcome to it! If they depose my successor! The part I took was just a tiny, tiny bit! And what about strip-mining, huh? If it’s a crime for me to bring some precious gems out of the underground kingdom, where does that leave every mining company in the world, huh?” Still, his retelling of the story does provide the opportunity for him to both use the phrase “worm-mount” and to show us said worm-mount, a freakish lamprey-mouthed beast hundreds of feet long with treasure chests lashed to its back that Mole-Man is riding like a pony, so literally anything he does from here on out is forgiven as far as I’m concerned.

Panel from Slylock Fox, 7/16/17

THE ANSWER IS HE LICKED IT

HE JUST UP AND LICKED COUNT WEIRDLY’S SKI-DOO

I’M SORRY, “SUPER SKI”

I GUESS SKI-DOO IS A BRAND NAME

ANYWAY, HE LICKED IT, TO SEE IF IT TASTED SALTY

SLY, WE NEED TO TALK

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Rex Morgan, M.D., 7/12/17

“Well, how about the toast, then? With the crusts on, obviously — that’s where the nutrients are. Also, no butter or jam. Fats and sugars are the silent killers! But don’t worry, you can pair it with a piping lukewarm glass of tap water!”

Marvin, 7/12/17

Oh man, Dr. Dog is about to get some furious letters from Welsh corgis, along with some nuanced explainers on geographical nomenclature from the Unionist Irish wolfhound community.

Funky Winkerbean, 7/12/17

[Inside the offices of Conaco, LLC]

ASSISTANT: …oh, and there’s also that request from that comic strip artist to use your likeness in a ComicCon plotline.

CONAN O’BRIEN: Oh, right. Sure, say yes to that. It’ll be a good promo for the shows I’m going to be taping there.

ASSISTANT: So do you want them to sign something promising you won’t be portrayed in the comic strip as some kind of cartoonishly sexist boor?

CONAN O’BRIEN: What? Why … why would they even do that? That seems unnecessary. I’m sure it’ll be fine!