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The Phantom, 10/8/17

Oh, hey, look, it’s a new Sunday Phantom storyline, after I failed to update you on the old one! And hey, I also forgot to mention that Jeff Wiegel took over the art on the Sunday Phantoms from Terry Beatty a few months back! I really like the details on this strip, but I’m afraid that Wiegel got so enthusiastic in panel three that he’s undermining the story a little bit: that tray features some nice-looking rigatoni in red sauce, healthy-looking yellow corn, and mashed potatoes swimming in gravy! If that’s “prison slop,” sign me up! I promise not to rat out anybody!

Rex Morgan, M.D., 10/8/17

Oh, you can’t understand the mindset of someone who would do that? Take a look, lady:

CHECK OUT THIS STONE COLD BADASS

THIS SHAVED-HEADED GOATEED LAURENCE-FISHBURNE-SUNGLASSES-FROM-THE-MATRIX-WEARING MOFO

HE DOESN’T CARE ABOUT YOUR “RULES” OR “LAWS” OR “OPINONS”

HE’S JUST GONNA FORGE SOME COMICS ART, GET SOME CASH, AND GET OUT

Blondie, 10/8/17

If you’ve ever wondered about the evolutionary sequence of the Bumstead lineage, what with Dagwood and Alexander sharing many of the same unusual features, today’s strip offers some crucial insight: Alexander is almost exactly like Dagwood, except he likes to fuck.

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Rex Morgan, M.D., 10/6/17

Ugh, so, I guess this is really happening: Rex Morgan, M.D., is going to do a Very Important Storyline about America’s forgotten criminals: people who sell knockoffs of artwork by classic comics artists online. It’s not just nerds who want framed panels of The Flash from 1973 or whatever who are the victims, of course: think of the elderly comics creators trying to squeeze a few last dollars out of their creations, since their original contacts with their publishers left them sorely undercompensated. And think of the anxious nerds who agreed to serve as the middlemen in these online auctions! What about them? Why, did you know that even if these art-forging scumbags are caught, the chances that they’ll be shipped off to Gitmo are slim to none? Thank God Rex Morgan, M.D., is here to raise awareness, just like it raised awareness of MRSA back in ’08, and now there’s no more MRSA.

Pluggers, 10/6/17

Yes, obviously the joke of this strip is “Ha ha, it’s funny because they’ve lived together for so long that they’re finely attuned to even the subtlest expressions of contempt for one another.” But wouldn’t it be funny if it’s just about how Kangaroo Plugger-Lady Who The Colorists Think Is A Rabbit had incredibly powerful hearing, what with those big ears of hers? Like what if she could hear, from three feet away, the vaguely moist scrabbling noise that an eyeball makes when it’s moving in its socket. She could hear so much, if that were the case. She could hear everything.

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Hi and Lois, 10/5/17

I guess the joke here is about how Ditto cleaned his hands by … ruining one of the good towels, with his hand-filth? Anyway, I’m more intrigued by the giant steaming bowl of light-brown whatever on the counter behind Lois. Be sure to get all the dark brown off your hands, Ditto! Your whole family is going to be elbow deep in the light-brown goo soon enough! You don’t want to contaminate the goo, do you?

Spider-Man, 10/5/17

Ah, yes, our heroes have executed their strategy perfectly: isolate the villain from the substance he needs to stay alive, then claim that, despite the villain’s control of an army of thousands, only Spider-Man, with the proportional strength of an creature that we can all agree is primarily known for its digging prowess, can dig to said substance in time, then save the villain’s life and rejuvenate him so that he returns to the height of his powers. There are literally no holes in this plan!

Rex Morgan, M.D., 10/5/17

Hmm, looks like Rex Morgan is pivoting away from dogs too nightmarish to look upon and senile billionaires and the people who get to live their houses rent-free to … counterfeit comic book art being auction off on eB[I PASS OUT FACE-DOWN ONTO MY KEYBOARD OUT OF BOREDOM BEFORE I CAN EVEN FINISH THIS SENTENCE]