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Mark Trail, 2/28/18

Because I am an effete city boy, only child, and inside cat, I’ve never actually broken a bone. But you know what? From all reports I’ve heard, it hurts, a lot! Like, you generally have to go to the hospital to get it dealt with and everything. So I’m going to just say for the record here that if any of my bones are broken — even if it’s just a few of them — feel free to speak of it. Go ahead, tell people, “Josh suffered some broken bones, and he’s in a lot of pain and really didn’t like it. He’s not gonna die but he’s unhappy about it. Why don’t you stop by and see him, maybe sign his cast? It’ll really cheer him up!” Anyway, right in between panels one and two is when the acid Mark and Cherry took kicks in, I guess.

Beetle Bailey, 2/28/18

This is pretty heart-rending, what with Sarge’s own dog disavowing him and his fellow soldiers scowling at him with withering contempt, but you also have to remember that Sarge routinely violates the Uniform Code of Military Justice by dishing out violent and arbitrary punishments to subordinates, so don’t feel too bad for him.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 2/28/18

“I’ve always wanted to barf up some latte and biscotti onto a coffeehouse floor and then just walk away and leave it for someone else to clean up. I’ll be there!”

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Rex Morgan, M.D., 2/25/18

As faithful readers of this blog know, Rex Morgan, M.D., has been a little light on the medical drama, unless you count sleep apnea and dehydration and people dying of cancer off-panel and then leaving their children with randos they knew in 1st grade as medical drama, which, I think it goes without saying, I don’t. Anyway, that’s why I’m excited that Justin, after having a negative reaction to his ham and cheese sandwich, apparently yacked it up onto the floor of the cafeteria, and now is just going to wander off while his friends stand around nervously wondering who’s going to clean up the puddle of barf, because I’m hoping said puddle of barf is swarming with whatever exotic and deadly virus he’s come down with and soon the whole school will be in a state of lockdown. If it just turns into a thing like the story in Stand By Me where one incident of vomiting sparks a chain reaction and everyone in the cafeteria ends up involuntarily puking on one another, that will also be acceptable.

Mary Worth, 2/25/18

Here, everybody, please enjoy the total humiliation of sex creep and “character” Ted Miller, who gets slapped, shoved, and ends up groveling on the floor, wearing one of Mary’s delicious and potentially lucrative muffins as a hat!

Crankshaft, 2/25/18

I’m pretty sure that the unspeakable Something from the basement that devoured Crankshaft and assumed his form is going to turn out to be much less of an asshole.

Beetle Bailey, 2/25/18

“This has to be dealt with,” said Rocky, after General Halftrack overthrew the U.S. government and began abrogating civil liberties. “The General thinks he can get away with anything!” Unfortunately, it turned out he could.

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Crankshaft, 2/23/18

True ‘Shaft-heads remember one of the early heart-rending Crankshaft storylines, where we learned that Ed Crankshaft, who we had all assumed was just a grumpy old asshole who shouldn’t have a job working with children or indeed any part of the public, was actually a grumpy old asshole who also happened to be illiterate. But he heroically learned to read as an adult, which gives him license to harangue little kids like this one, who as near as we can tell is perfectly capable of reading written English but prefers not to read books or other printed matter as a leisure activity, which is not the same thing at all! Also instead of talking about the archaic sport of “baseball” he should probably talk about, I dunno, Mario Kart or something. What I’m trying to say is that Crankshaft might have learned, with great effort, to read, but he still hasn’t learned out to read the room, ha ha!

Dennis the Menace, 2/23/18

Word to the wise, Dennis: affecting a sort of aggressively ignorant contempt towards technology can convey a certain menacing vibe. Just admitting that you’re a straight-up moron very much does not.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 2/23/18

So … not great, then?