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Crankshaft, 9/28/16

“Your sister’s taking your dad to the ballet? Good luck with that one!” said the guy who we’ve never seen engaging in anything more culturally uplifting than slouching on the sofa and staring at the TV with dead eyes.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 9/28/16

The artists and writers may change, but one thing remains constant: a good Rex Morgan pissyface. That’s it, Rex. Squint and grimace as you tally up exactly how much each of these features adds to the price of the house. Thaaaaat’s the stuff.

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 9/28/16

This is definitely one of the most terrifying thought balloons in Snuffy Smith to date! I can’t really articulate why but I definitely feel that Loweezy should stay away from the bake sale, for her own safety.

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Beetle Bailey, 9/24/16

Gotta respect the decision to have the characters completely commit emotionally here. In a strip where people are generally pretty blasé about horrific violence, General Halftrack seems genuinely terrified that he’s about to die.

Hi and Lois, 9/24/16

“They’re gonna cut off his thumbs! They’ll probably say something you like ‘Did you think this was a fuckin’ GAME’ right before they do it, too.”

Dennis the Menace, 9/24/16

Trotting out tired jokes a weatherman has heard over and over again? Not particularly menacing. Casually invading his personal space and resting your hand on his knee while you do it? Extremely menacing.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 9/24/16

HEY, HEY WERE YOU WORRIED THAT THE REX MORGAN, M.D., DISCUSSION OF THE ETHICS OF PATIENT-NURSE FLIRTING MIGHT NOT GO ON FOR EIGHT FULL DAYS?

WELL

GOOD NEWS

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Rex Morgan, M.D., 9/16/16

Wait whoops it looks like I personally haven’t talked about Rex Morgan, M.D., on this site since July? Maybe it’s because it’s honestly been kind of dull; artist Terry Beatty, having taken over the writing duties, seems to be quickly wrapping up some storylines (as covered by Uncle Lumpy) while the new ones haven’t quite gotten into gear and/or been ludicrous enough for me to feature here. That changes today though, as Rex is gravely concerned by some extremely mild flirting between Nurse Carter and Jordan The Avery Family’s Manservant, for obvious reasons. (The reasons are that Rex finds genuine human emotional connection repugnant and doesn’t like it when other people “ram it down his throat.”)

Spider-Man, 9/16/16

Be careful, Jonah! Sure, it may seem like helping Ant-Man is your shortcut to seizing back control of your beloved Daily Bugle, but just think: if you do this, you’ll help set a precedent that it’s somehow “wrong” for the publisher of a major daily newspaper to kidnap or otherwise harm a superhero! This would be a grievous blow against our nation’s sacred First Amendment, as well as several of your active vendettas.

Funky Winkerbean, 9/16/16

We make fun of the gloom of the Funkyverse around here, but I think it’s worth pointing out that the actual conflicts in the strip tend to be not amongst the actual main cast, but against unstoppable, impersonal forces like “cancer” or “the war,” or strawman outsiders or designated villainous recurring characters like Becky’s mom; our heroes generally have a sort of we’re-all-in-it-together solidarity. But now, Comic Book John, a long-standing “good” character, has pieced together the plot of Starbuck Jones from publicity stills and posted it to the internet, which interferes with the publicity plans of the creators of the movie, some of whom are also long-standing “good” characters. I am very excited for the new, Hobbsean phase of Funky Winkerbean, the war of all against all, in which the misery will be flying fast and furious from all sides, dished out and suffered in equal measure.