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Gil Thorp, 11/10/08

The Sad Story Of Soft-Hearted Jeff And Matt The Hat reached its natural climax last week; but if we learned anything from the Sad Story Of Elmer The Unwitting Illegal Immigrant, it’s that Gil Thorp cares nothing for your fancy literary theories as to what constitutes a satisfying narrative arc. No, we’re instead going to be subjected to the meandering post-big-reveal goings-on around Milford High, in which our students and coaches will try and mostly fail to grapple with the new reality that’s been unveiled. It’s just like real life, but with worse hair and more mutant disembodied flipper-hands.

Anyway, the ’Czak is being hailed school-wide as a hero, as beefy morons who risk their lives for the entertainment of others always are, which means that his heart-healthy behatted friend will take the fall. The sad thing is that the arbiter of Milford ethics is the Milford Trumpet, a publication that can’t do better for signage than a piece of paper taped to a doorway. It’s probably not surprising that Matt’s journalistic overlords are upset for his participation in this deception, but I feel compelled to point out that they didn’t see any problem with him writing a glowing piece about his best friend.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 11/10/08

As is all too typical for me, I totally lost interest in the current Rex Morgan plotline once it got “exciting.” To wrap up briefly: Tweaks’s boat capsized, Rex leapt into the water to save him, and Lenore and Tweaks made up in the ambulance, because it turns out that he didn’t actually cheat on her with some young secretary — he just told people that he did, which is totally OK. This strip in noteworthy, though, because in panel two Rex, speaking as Lenore’s doctor, helpfully points out that she’s going to die soon.

Spider-Man, 11/10/08

Hey, everybody, remember Saturday, when Spidey had mysteriously burst free from Big Time’s nutty handcuffs? Well, it turned out that, uh, didn’t happen. I’m OK with this blatant discontinuity, though, because it provides an opportunity for more Spider-Boneheadery, as our hero uses an oncoming train to burst his bonds, with his total dismemberment being only a minor side effect. My heart goes out to those commuters whose trip home will be delayed.

Gasoline Alley, 11/10/08

Also, remember Saturday when Gasoline Alley promised us a wacky Bonnie and Clyde-esque flight from the law across America? Well, it turns out that Slim will just be talking about his big ass instead, with visual aids.

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Shoe, 10/26/08

Sunday’s Shoe has discovered the ultimate recipe for hilarity: have a bunch of characters, most of whom you’ve never met before and have no attachment to, sitting around telling tedious jokes about how boring they are. In the gut-busting climax, the Perfesser tells a joke that’s both boring and ancient; ironically, the syndicate seems to have demanded that the awkward phrase “in eminent danger” replace the more obvious and straightforward “dying,” thus making the gag even duller.

By the way, I shaved the initial panels off of the shockingly huge Sunday Shoe graphic, because they were even less interesting than the ones you see here.

Mary Worth, 10/26/08

Speaking as a connoisseur, this is an extremely satisfying Mary Worth, combining as it does fan favorites (random, rambling platitude-laden thought ballooning) and exciting new elements (laughable fantasy skating action). Mary’s “ocean wave” riff is echoed by the oddly shaped clouds out her window; it’s possible that those are actual ocean waves, and her plane is about to plow into the sea and deliver her to her watery grave, but that’s probably asking too much.

Slylock Fox, 10/26/08

I actually agree that Rachel Rabbit’s accusation is ridiculous. It’s obvious that any attempt on Reeky’s part at electrical work more complex than plugging in a hot plate would result in his immediate painful and high-voltage death.

Panel from Rex Morgan, M.D., 10/26/08

Yes, of course he is, dear.

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Apartment 3-G, 10/21/08

It looks like Apartment 3-G, having made drug abuse and murder bland and vaguely boring, is about to do the same for China’s meddling in Tibetan monastic politics. Remember how Eric was supposed to be rescuing his brother from some combination Tibetan temple/hospital/Chinese prison thingy in Lhasa, or something? Apparently he took this Lodi character instead, which we may or may not have been told at the time? Lodi, I am assuming, is a stand-in for Gedhun Choekyi Nyima, who was chosen as Panchen Lama as a child with the Dalai Lama’s blessing; he and his family were taken out of Tibet by the Chinese government and haven’t been seen since, while the government has nominated its own candidate for the post. Gedhun/Lodi seems to be none the worse for wear for his time as a political prisoner, having learned valuable English and hiking skills. The question is, can he retain his sense of detachment from desire and suffering upon encountering the ultimate threat to any holy man: Margo Magee?

Family Circus, 10/21/08

It’s obviously unsettling that the Keanes have some kind of gargantuan microwave that can heat up an entire full-sized pizza, though that may explain why Billy thinks that nuking food qualifies as “making” it. Poor Jeffy is once again stuck with the being-baffled-by-everyday-slang role usually reserved for comical foreigners, robots and aliens, and dorky white dudes. But what really gets me about this cartoon is the drooping tip of Billy’s pizza. I imagine that he’s gesticulating with the slice, the tip flopping up and down as he does so, grease splattering everywhere. I think that it would be pretty hypnotic to watch; no doubt that’s what Mommy is focusing on, which is why she looks so beatific despite being surrounded by morons.

Luann, 10/21/08

“I mean, Toni never talks about him, but he hangs around in my mind … brawny … vaguely threatening … half-dressed…”

Mary Worth, 10/21/08

Oh, Dr. Jeff, always so bad at strategy. If you’re going to try to escape Mary’s clutches, you don’t announce it. You just leave town the minute she walks out the door. You can set her condo on fire on your way out if it would make you feel better.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 10/21/08

Ha ha, Rex is grinding something! Get it, because … ha ha … grinding … oh, what’s the use.

Based on Sarah’s weird, distorted face in the final panel, I’m guessing the wind is so strong and the boats are tilting because they’ve accidentally wandered into a nuclear weapons test site. Soon everyone will be killed in a ball of flame, which will at least alleviate the boredom of watching a sailboat race.