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Rhymes with Orange, 9/16/17

A long while back my daughter Cousin Lumpy came home from preschool and announced that they had a “case of headlights,” as if Fawn Valley Montessori had suddenly gone into auto parts distribution. Adorable, am I right? Not at all creepy or horrifying. See there, Rhymes with Orange? That’s how you do parasite humor! Not like this. Never again like this, please?

Sally Forth, 9/16/17

When Sally first showed off her hairstripe in July 2016, it was a narrow band of purple in her signature jet-black 1970s hair helmet. Fashion-forward Aunt Lumpy tells me these things need to be maintained or they grow out. But Sally’s seems instead to be spreading. Distressing, sure, but nothing to cut off your thumb over.

Pluggers, 9/16/17

After the explosion, the beaches of San Diego were littered with scraps of nylon, tufts of fur, and the bodies of suicides who could neither forget what they had seen nor live with its memory.

Phantom, 9/16/17

Time once again for Uncle Lumpy Reads Comics Even Josh Doesn’t Read, So Nobody Has To Except for Poor Me, a regular feature. Sad, because IMHO this strip has been on a narrative and artistic roll since March — seriously, click to zoom that middle panel; go ahead, I’ll wait.
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We’re wrapping up the moody, atmospheric “Death of the Phantom” story, and it falls to me to pick winners and losers:

• Winner: Diana, who can now counter Kit’s “I rescued you from Boomsby” brag with “Yeah, I saved you from getting shot by that punk in the weed shirt, and it’s your night to wash the dishes!”
• Winner: Babudan, who can now top Guran’s “I’m totally the Phantom’s bestie” with “Yeah, I totally saved his life — and that hat is ridiculous!”
• Loser: L’il Kit, who will now look at his Dad the way Prince Charles looks at the Queen.
• Loser: Old Man Mozz, whose “immutable prophecy of Phantom’s death” is looking more and more like either some kind of weird con or the bad dream of a demented stoner.

Hey there faithful reader! I’m sitting in for Josh through the 24th while he takes a well-deserved break. Give me a shout at uncle.lumpy@comcast.net if you have access or comment problems. Enjoy!

— Uncle Lumpy

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Rhymes With Orange, 5/14/17

I was originally puzzled by what appears to be the 17th century New England setting for this panel, but apparently the reputed African origins of the “it takes a village” proverb are a bunch of hooey, so colonial Massachusetts is as likely a place as anywhere else for this joke to play out. Anyway, kid, let me remind you that mouthing off to your elders is an extremely good way to get condemned to death for witchcraft.

Mary Worth, 5/14/17

Today’s Mary Worth just recaps the last few daily strips, so in a sense it doesn’t provide anything new, but in a larger, more important sense, it provides something incredible: this strip, which has featured dubiously sourced quotes from Albert Camus and St. Augustine in the past, now offers us an epigram from Mr. T. God bless this perfect day!

Spider-Man, 5/14/17

OK, Mole-Man, you’ve been dragging out a whole series of “final glimpses” of your beloved, for real. Still, I offer you today’s final panel to enjoy, in which our lovestruck villain clings to the back of a limosine with the relative limosine-clinging power of a mole.

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Momma, 1/7/15

MaryLou’s love life has always been depicted as sort of dull and hapless, which is why today’s strip comes as kind of a shock. Who knew that she was out there having hot affairs in which she’s being emotionally manipulated by married men? I’m also reasonably sure that we’ve never seen her depicted with high heels before today; I assume they’re a half-assed attempt to make her suddenly convincing as a character with a sex life.

Rhymes With Orange, 1/7/15

Speaking of sex lives, did you know that pastries want to fuck each other, constantly? It’s true!

Six Chix, 1/7/15

Today’s Six Chix isn’t so much about sex lives as it is about mapping romantic love and its associated jealousy onto other kinds of relationships, but mostly I’m interested in the liquid drops beneath the cat’s chin. Are those supposed to be tears? Within context, you’d think they’re tears, but cats don’t cry (or get jealous when you look at pictures of other cats, I realize), but they do sometimes drool. Have you ever encountered a drooly cat? They are equal parts adorable and disgusting. Anyway, if you think your cat is crying because it loves you too much, probably it’s just drooling. Don’t flatter yourself.