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Slylock Fox, 3/26/12

Never let it be said that Slylock only uses his detective services to buttress the prevailing capitalistic power structure! Count Weirdly can drive around with his sinister magnet and cheerful octopus sidekick all day, wrenching valuable steel and iron out of the skyscrapers where the wealthy gather, cackling all the while. Who cares? The Count himself is a member of the aristocracy, so let’s just let the rich fight it out. But these easily terrified homeless beavers — they must have their feelings soothed, through comforting scientific explanations, so that they know that they were never in any real danger (except for danger from death by exposure, when their two wagons’ worth of cans don’t garner enough to pay for a flophouse for the evening).

Mary Worth, 3/26/12

Speaking of America’s tragic homelessness problem, words cannot express how completely giddy I am at the prospect of a week-long summit between Suddenly Conscience-Having Nola and this magical hobo. Presumably, having been softened up by a drunken tirade of abuse from her latest victim, Nola will learn the true meaning of kindness from this man, who, despite having a beard so filthy and ill-kempt it can only be described as “lumpy,” still takes a moment out of his busy day of shouting at invisible demons and not freezing to death to spare a kind word for a weeping businesslady. Will Nola repay this act of generosity by volunteering down at the soup kitchen, or let him camp out in her sweet office, or perhaps move on with her life a better person and never once spare a thought to any existence this homeless person might have outside of the few moments he spent interacting with her? Yeah, probably the last one.

Apartment 3-G, 3/26/12

Margo being an all-heels all-the-time gal fits in pretty well with her personality and whatever we can glimpse of her cultural milieu through the fog of Eisenhower Era-ish art, but I was still kind of surprised to hear her say it, probably because we almost never get to see her below the solar plexus, so who knows what her shoes look like? Does she even have feet?

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Mark Trail, 3/18/12

Yes, “… this monster will spend his remaining days in an eco-tourism park where he can be admired.” There’s so very much to admire about this ravenous ocean brute: his winning smile, obvious relish munching on that poor doomed zebra, determination to run down a tasty bird-snack, and handsome striped tail thrashing in anguish as strangely impassive villagers reel him in. Sure, maybe he can’t crush a turtle, but let’s not quibble.

So if you ever find yourself in the vast, impoverished marsh district 500 miles southeast of Manila, stop by and check in on our pal here — but if you do, take a Nature Tip from Mark Trail and stay indoors at all times. Seriously, you could get killed out there.

Blondie (panels), 3/18/12

Speaking of monsters, check out the Blondie-narwhal. Crocodiles of the deep, you have been warned! YOW!

Slylock Fox (panel), 3/18/12

Psst — the bird did it. Killed the fish, too! Ask the spider.

Heaven’s Love Thrift Shop, 3/18/12

My favorite parable is the one about the Unjust Steward (Luke 16:1–13), in the telling of which Jesus appears to endorse sharp dealing, hanging out with a bad crowd, and outright fraud. Its deeper message is that children of God should be as practical preparing for the Hereafter as children of mammon are for the Here and Now.

In this Sunday-only (natch) comic, child of God Dag is so mightily upset that his bosses (Wilson and Cassidy) think he should set out on his own that he threatens to, um, stay? Maybe a little more attention to the Things of This World wouldn’t be such a bad thing? Things like punchlines?

The Phantom, 3/18/12

It’s hard out here for a Nemesis. Injured during his botched Phantom-killing mission, Eric Sahara (The Nomad!) hitchhikes back to his jet and scuttles off to his ramshackle desert retreat — the one with the sharp left turn in the airstrip. Seriously, his badass predecessor Chatu would just be embarrassed.

Also: worst minion ever — Beast Man can breathe easy at last.

— Uncle Lumpy

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Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 2/26/12

I had always hoped that, if there were anywhere in America where the bane of helicopter parenting had yet to arrive, it was Hootin’ Holler. And yet here we have the Smifs hovering intrusively over their toddler instead of just letting him engage in the sort of non-supervised play in a trash-strewn backyard that made Americans from previous generations healthy and strong (those that survived, anyway). My one consolation is that Snuffy is still pretty bad at this, having stuck li’l Tater in a dog house that’s almost certainly filthy beyond description.

Panel from The Lockhorns, 2/26/12

I suppose that Loretta needed to be in the back seat in order for this joke to work (to the extent that you would consider this a “joke” that “works”), but that still doesn’t solve the mystery of who this grim-faced fellow is in the front seat. He sort of looks as he’s being driven somewhere by the Lockhorns to be done in execution-style and dumped in a shallow grave, but if that were the case he’d probably be happier to see this cop, so I’m assuming that he’s just listened to them talk for 15 or 20 minutes and has now completely lost his ability to feel joy.

Panel from Slylock Fox, 2/26/12

It seems that Rodney Rat has graduated from eager teenage grifter to “career criminal,” with sunglasses and everything. It makes me a little sad that he’s hit this elevated status in his criminal trajectory while his much awesomer relative Reeky is left back in the small time. I also question the practicality of the rope-lasso as a prisoner-retainment device, which may help explain why Rodney gets to make a career out of his criminality.

Panel from Mary Worth, 2/26/12

Mary, no! You don’t have anything to prove to her! YOU’RE LETTING HER INSIDE YOUR HEAD!