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Apartment 3-G, 5/6/07

Yesterday, we saw Lu Ann’s oxygen-starved brain conjuring up images of everyone who had singularly failed to rescue her from her sinister spectral captivity, leaving open the question: who will save her, since actually killing her off would be unthinkable? Today, we get the surprising answer: It’s Margo’s comical immigrant mother, Gabriella! There’s a certain justice to this; she’s the one who essentially told Lu Ann that ghosts were awesome in the first place, so now she’s going to have to knock down that door in her bathrobe, babbling in fake-o Spanish and wielding a fistful of protective charms from the Old Country to save our dim blonde heroine. Remember: do not rely on WASPs to fight against the forces of the Other World. Only ethnics can do so, and the Professor has become far too assimilated to help.

Slylock Fox, 5/6/07

Ah ha! Our oft-harassed beaver, previously seen being victimized by loose women in discos and harassed by humans in airports, at last has an alliterative name of his own: Brendan! He’s also upgraded his wardrobe, sporting a pimpalicious chartreuse suit with matching befeathered fedora. And of course, he’s as hilariously outraged and quick to tattle to Slylock as ever.

By the way, I know it’s almost impossible to read the solution in this graphic, but Count Weirdly is about to be hauled off for the entirely victimless crime of jamming Brendan’s TV so that it only receives the Chess Channel, and the only evidence of wrongdoing is that he’s eating his broth with a fork. Does a little eccentric behavior make you automatically guilty in Slylock Fox’s police state? The man’s name is “Weirdly,” for God’s sake; you can’t expect him to consume soup like a normal person.

I do like the vicious attack stork in the “How To Draw” feature at the bottom of the page. As for the six differences, the most prominent one that I could find is that the kid in the top panel will eventually go on to a successful career as an illustrator and graphic novelist, while the other boy will take “practical” courses in school and go on to a soul-sapping life of quiet desperation as he toils away in a job he despises.

Mary Worth, 5/6/07

If panel three demonstrates a typical battle in the war for the elder Sheilds’ love, I think Vera’s a bit to quick to blame sexism for her low state. Note that her brother is pouring the old man a tasty flute of the finest champagne, while Vera is thrusting a plate bearing two lumpy, shapeless brown things at him. Advantage: Von.

The grammatical set-up Vera uses in panel seven (“when my father’s death occurred”) is quite revealing. Usually people do that sort of thing when they’re trying to deny their own agency in the matter. She’s not explicitly lying, but she knows she won’t keep Mary on her side if she says “Years later, the situation changed when I bludgeoned my father to death.”

Funky Winkerbean, 5/6/07

Oh, Les, you cut-up! There’s nothing that helps your pedagogical strategies like a little public humiliation. We’ll all have a good laugh, at least until the inevitable HIPAA lawsuit.

Zits, 5/6/07

Desperate to extend a moment of happy camaraderie with his son but unfamiliar with the concept of the fist bump, in panel five Walt crosses a line that can never be uncrossed.

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Pluggers, 4/23/07

Not much of interest to say about today’s Pluggers, except that “Greg Harruff” is actually faithful Comics Curmudgeon reader gh, who, having seen this feature many times on this blog, realized that the easiest way to get his submission accepted would be to go down the oft-trod “Pluggers are obese” route.

Greg wrote me to say that the Chief Plugger never responded to his submission, which he sent in six weeks ago or so, and that he only found out it had been accepted when he saw it live and in the ink today. Greg also requested that the thanks go to his pseudonym of “GH”, which request was, as you can see, not honored. This, I have to say, is Not Classy. You might think based on the content of TDIET that Al Scaduto is tightly wound ball of hate-filled rage, but in fact he sends a cheery and gentlemanly response to everyone who submits ideas to him, whether he uses them or not; and if he does make a cartoon out of your submission, he’ll send you a copy of it, and he’s happy to credit it to “No Name Please” or “Many Husbands Across the U.S.A.” or (as in today’s) “Fed-Up Wifey” if that’s what you want. I guess pluggers are simple folk who just don’t expect to be treated with an ounce of consideration.

Apartment 3-G, 4/23/07

The Apartment 3-G Lu Ann storyline continues to be deathly dull, and this is about the fourth iteration of essentially this girl-ghost confrontation, but I just had a brainstorm this morning when I read it: what if “Albert Pinkham Ryder” is actually Eric Mills in an elaborate disguise? (Not that it would have to be particularly elaborate to fool Lu Ann.) It would explain his mysterious absences, and we’ve already seen that he has some horribly misguided belief in Lu Ann’s artistic talent; presumably he’s trying to generate more revenue for himself as her impresario by forcing her to churn more mediocre fern paintings out. It’s possibly the most moronic and inefficient use of his time to get rich that I can think of, but he also apparently believes that he can toy with Margo’s affections (among other things) without ending up eviscerated by her razor-sharp claws, so he’s clearly not very bright.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 4/23/07

Boy, for a while there Rex Morgan was all about plane crashes and rescue squads and corporate intrigue and family drama. Thank God we’ve moved on to something really exciting.

Slylock Fox, 4/23/07

Oh, goody! Let’s have a double date! We’ll nestle on the couch by the fire, drinking hot tea and eating cookies. We can look at Slylock’s collection of antique clocks and car-shaped trophies (he’s so proud of the one he won for FIRST), and we can have ever so much fun challenging each other with brain teasers! Then, after about an hour of that, the orgy will start.

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Slylock Fox, 4/16/07

We all know that Slylock and Max use their status in the community as well-known vigilantes to spy on consensual B&D play. I suspect that this little puzzle has been staged to further their sex lives as well. It’s the reason why the stubbly dog/bear/whatever thing looks so mad despite the fact that it’s the toad that’s ostensibly guilty. Clearly our dynamic duo of ratiocination have slipped this pair of lowlifes a tenner to act the part of the villains in this little sham mystery; the dog/bear thing is realizing that while his share of the payoff won’t last more than the five minutes it takes him to polish off two shots of whisky, the mouse and the fox just earned themselves several nights of sweet mystery-solving lovin’. The toad, being an amphibian, doesn’t understand the mating habits of mammals, and just stares on dumbly.

Apartment 3-G, 4/16/07

OH SNAP MARGO YOU JUST GOT CALLED A BUN-HEADED HO!

Since Katy’s mom is “Ms. Mills,” she’s clearly Eric’s sister-in-law rather than his actual sister, and so therefore fair game for bitter hatred from our gal Magee. In the real world, of course, it would be possible that she had just kept her maiden name, but in the comics pages nobody does that for fear of unleashing thousands of angry letters from people ranting about “feminazis.” They’re going to get a few of those anyway just for using the dreaded “Ms.”

Gil Thorp, 4/16/07

“Lock your eyes on one hole, get set, and swing. And keep doing it” is of course an unspeakably filthy phrase, but in a strip that frequently features dialogue like “Liz Ritter all but forces Stormy Hicks to go to The Bucket,” it’s not really all that remarkable. What’s more disturbing to me is the fact that that the appointment of Lisa Wyche’s wannabe jock mom as assistant girls hoops coach is not an isolated incident: Apparently Milford High is going to make a habit of allowing bored, isolated community members to give rambling instructions on athletic techniques to the school’s students. This could cause trouble. I’m sure in the movies we’d all enjoy the kindly old man who offers his years of experience to coach the team of misfits to a championship season, but in this age of insane paranoia, once the PTA gets wind that some bald dude is urging the town’s youth to “lock your eyes on one hole” and “keep doing it,” they’d ride him out of town on a rail.

They’ll Do It Every Time, 4/16/07

Never mind Walt Warbler’s blatant resume-padding; isn’t it kind of odd that Lula Patoot is doing touring-company theater in the sticks just days after she inked that $15 million move deal?

What I’m most intrigued by here, of course, is the play that Lula and Walt will be singing in, Les Misebarf. I’m assuming that, following in the wake of Urinetown’s success, it’s a re-imagining of Victor Hugo’s classic novel of political upheaval in France with the characters expressing their deep-felt emotions by vomiting on one another. Patrons with seats in the first few rows are warned that they will get wet. What I want to know: is it pronounced “Miz-barf,” “Miz-ay-barf,” or “Mies-barf”?