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Slylock Fox, 3/5/07

Wow, so Slylock Fox is keeping with its overall mystery theme, but seems to have moved from cutesy Encyclopedia Brown-type mysteries to late night Cinemax “erotic thriller”-type mysteries. This shift can probably be attributed to the hiring of the sexy Cassandra Cat, who featured in a previous disturbingly adult installment of the feature. What really ups the squik factor me, honestly, is not merely Cassandra’s bound state, or even the fact that she really was tied up by a “friend”; no, it’s Slylock and Max’s creepy, expressionless, voyeuristic stares. You sort of get the feeling that they’ve been halfway into that window for a while now.

By the way, I didn’t even notice the goldfish, thrashing around on the floor as it dies slowly, until I read the solution to the puzzle. So thanks for making me contemplate that little horror in the midst of this perversion, Mr. Omniscient Upside-Down Slylock Fox Narrator.

Herb and Jamaal, 3/5/07

I’m not sure what Herb’s expression in the final panel is supposed to indicate: that he’s reveling in squinty-eyed glee at his own lame internal joke, or that he’s taking a dump in his pants. Frankly, both scenarios would provide him with roughly equal amounts of dignity.

They’ll Do It Every Time, 3/5/07

I don’t really have a ton to say about today’s TDIET, except that “Richard Kahane” is none other than faithful reader and occasional commentor Obélix, who scores points for actually making his entry comics-related. Comics Curmudgeon readers have now supplied four or five TDIETs over the past year or so, which may say something about what percentage of this feature’s readership we make up.

Spider-Man, 3/5/07

Sadly, today’s thrilling remote control nabbing makes panel two the most exciting moment in Spider-Man in several weeks. Still, it’s nice to see that Brendan Fraser is still getting work.

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Pluggers, 2/28/07

Do you know what really offends me about this Pluggers? It’s not that it puts me, as someone who still gets his televised entertainment over the air, into the ranks of pluggerdom; I can deal with that. (And by the way, I haven’t purchased a new set of rabbit ears in more than ten years, so I’ve out-pluggered Mr. Bald Dog Plugger Man! Ha!)

No, it’s that this panel doesn’t contain the patented Pluggers play on words or little twist. It’s the one thing Pluggers does, and here it is refusing to do it. “You’re a plugger if you seek to purchase rarely used but still useful electronic equipment”? That’s crap. Here, this is what it should have been: “Pluggers wish on their lucky rabbit ears that they’ll get good signal for the big game,” with a drawing of the Rhino-Man wearing his team’s jersey and adjusting his TV antenna. DON’T MAKE ME DO YOUR JOB FOR YOU, PLUGGERS!

Apartment 3-G, 2/28/07

It’s possible that Katy is getting chemo treatments and we’re about to get a Very Special Apartment 3-G Storyline. It’s also possible that this is the artist’s idea of a hip-looking young woman. It’s not possible that anyone in Katy’s age range (which I put at somewhere between 15 and 40) would allow her uncle to plan her birthday party for her, nor is it possible that she would utter the phrase “Oh, cool! You’re the event planner!”

Crock, 2/28/07

As a native of Buffalo, I’m offended by the implication that the inhabitants of the Queen City of the Great Lakes are all voodoo priests, hungry for chicken blood. As someone who might one day require a blood transfusion, I’m offended that anyone might think that a chicken-to-human transfusion is even possible. As someone with eyes and taste, I’m offended by Crock in general.

They’ll Do It Every Time, 2/28/07

As usual, there’s enough material to analyze in this TDIET to fill out a good-sized Ph.D. thesis, but I’ll satisfy myself with the following:

• It’s a good thing that Shalimar is identified as a “teener” in the top panel, because otherwise I would have pegged her as a “same age as her motherer”.
• What with the floppy bow-tie, ponytail, and bad teeth, Shalimar seems to have wedded the least attractive member of James Monroe’s cabinet.
• “Shalimar”?

By the way, those of you who enjoy TDIET but don’t regularly read Ruben Bolling’s Tom the Dancing Bug should check out today’s installment. You’ll have to sit through an ad to get to the cartoon if you aren’t a Salon.com subscriber, but it’s worth it.

Mary Worth, 2/28/07

I’m not sure what’s more hideous: Mary’s aqua/urine-colored ensemble, or the pug-faced little child at the bottom left of the first panel.

Slylock Fox, 2/28/07

So, remember that Funky Winkerbean from last week where it looked like Wally got blown up (but really he didn’t)? Well, apparently it offended somebody (no, really). And yet the blatant phallic banana in this Slylock Fox will in all likelihood not draw a single letter to the editor anywhere in the country.

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Slylock Fox, 2/19/07

Man, when I’m standing at the Pearly Gates, and I sneak a look at that big book St. Peter’s got in front of him and discover that, in addition to a tabulation of all the good and bad deeds of each and every human being who has ever lived, it also includes a list of the greatest Slylock Foxes ever, I expect this one to be pretty close to the top. So many awesome things: Buford Bull’s ludicrously top-heavy construction; the dainty little towel, covering his mighty bull genitals; Max Mouse’s unseemly fascination with the toy submarine; Rachel Rabbit, covering her eyes and turning her head lest she see something naughty, but sneaking a peek anyway; the phrase “snatch the sack” — all divine.

By the way, I can think of a third bit of damning evidence against the carrot-thievin’ bovine: the tub is way too small for him to cram himself into it, water and bath toys or no. It’s probably not even his house. I do have to say that I’m charmed by a thief who, with what passes for the local law in hot pursuit, thinks, “Crap, I need a good alibi … I know! I’ll draw a bath!”

Beetle Bailey, 2/19/07

Well, since the only way you can come last is if the list is a convoluted combinations of first names and nicknames, I’d say your guess is pretty much correct.