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Slylock Fox, 7/14/22

Here’s another sad scene from the tail end of those terrifying weeks when humans lost control of their planet to the Animals that would soon form the regime for which Slylock Fox serves as an enforcer. This doctor, one of the few H. sapiens survivors, hears a rumor of another free human holed up in the desert somewhere. He hitches a ride out there with a sympathetic horse, but when all he finds are dry bones, his mind finally snaps. “He could still be alive!” he shouts through the tears. “Let me check his vital signs!” “C’mon, doc,” the horse says, in shock at seeing the Earth’s former dominant species reduced to such a pathetic state. “Come back to the city! An amnesty’s been declared! They need medicos in the Reserved Zones!” But he’s not listening. That vulture, now — he knows what’s up. He knows these soft humans can die from a broken heart just as easily as from a hoofed or fanged attack. He knows there’s good eating coming.

Dennis the Menace, 7/14/22

What specific sort of menace is Dennis about to unleash with that hammer? A lot of people are going to say “balls-oriented menace” but I think our boy’s smart enough to know that he can do more lasting damage if he aims for the knees.

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Mark Trail, 7/9/22

Hey everybody, remember Sassy? He was Rusty’s adorable little puppy (distinct from Andy, Mark’s big macho dog), and he was always prone to getting into trouble, just like Rusty! He sort of faded away in the past few years of the strip but now he’s back! … just in time to die horribly from whatever gross skin disease is afflicting Lost Forest. RIP Sassy, 1981-2022, you will probably not be missed.

The Phantom, 7/9/22

Man, I’m barely even going to try to explain the current Phantom plot, which has been very, very long and difficult to follow but is mostly a series of nesting narratives from Old Man Mozz explaining how the Phantom will ruin his life if he tries to bust his former flirtation partner Savarna out of prison, and it’s never quite clear if we’re watching the big guy actually doing this stuff or just hearing Mozz spin a what-if narrative about it, but the point is that you can apparently show a couple guys just straight-up dying from taking a bullet to the chest, right here in the funny papers! It’s Saturday, I guess? You can show dudes getting shot to death, on the weekend? And maybe if it’s just a story-within-a-story told by a wise old sage and not something really happening in the strip? Do the practices and standards departments at major newspaper comics syndicates take into consideration the layer of narrative distance at which a violent murder happens?

Mary Worth, 7/9/22

“I mean, I’m definitely going to have a lot of different opportunities to explore once the state Physician Assistant Board finds out about our extremely inappropriate relationship and I get my license taken away!”

Slylock Fox, 7/9/22

Welp, let’s take a look at the details here and see if we can guess the six diffOH MY GOD, is that a human femur, is that GRANDMA’s femur, oh my GOD

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Gil Thorp, 7/7/22

I guess the most disappointing thing about this baseball season in Gil Thorp is that there’s usually zany A and B plots that we pingpong back and forth between, which gives this strip the vertiginous excitement that we crave, but this spring the two plots were that Gregg was hiding the fact that he was tragically blind and Gregg’s dad was hiding the fact that he was a notorious disgraced plagiarist. While this combo may have delivered thematic unity, it was honestly kind of boring, which is why it’s fitting that the A plot ended with Gregg flaming out of the playoffs and Gregg’s dad learning that literally nobody cares about the secret shame he’s been carrying around with him for so many years. It’s only Thursday, so I can’t wait to find out two more reasons why nothing matters over the rest of the week!!!

Slylock Fox, 7/7/22

Man, it seems unfair that you suffer for eons under H. sapiens domination, then abruptly achieve sapience and rise up against the humans in some terrifying, inexplicable Event and take your rightful place as the dominant group on Earth, only for the entire biosphere to be wiped out by series of massive asteroid impacts. Sorry, animals, the apocalypse is your problem now.