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Spider-Man, 8/25/19

Fandoms and conspiracy theories (pretty much the same thing, IMHO) have this weird tendency to crystallize attention around characters that normies see as incidental. So while I’m dimly aware of the likes of Boba Fett, Jean Grey, Konstantin Kilimnik, and Comet Ping Pong, they’re the center of the universe for yarn-and-corkboard trufans WHO KNOW WHAT’S REALLY GOING ON!!11!

Gwen Stacy is one such secret nexus, I think? You can tell this is a flashback to the earliest days of the canon because Green Goblin’s the only Spider-Man nemesis drawn in a cartoony style; later ones are “realistic” types like Melvin the Mole Man, Electro, and — God help us — Clown-9. So “Gwen and Norman die” is an origin story and plot driver, like the Uncle Ben thing. Except it’s messed up: Harry is mad at Spidey because Norman accidentally killed himself. Spidey swore vengeance on Norman because his own botched rescue attempt killed Gwen (“killed in a fall” is an elegant circumlocution). Maybe after she hears all this, Black Widow will set Spidey and Hobgoblin straight and get them to shake hands, exchange secret identities, and maybe catch The Price Is Right on TV?

Crankshaft, 8/25/19

Humanity’s disordered nature inclines us all toward sin, but I try to give unpleasant people the benefit of the doubt, you know? If somebody seems unreasonably belligerent, say, I chalk it up to them having a bad day, a shaky start in life, or the inability to get past some old grievance. I figure nobody gets up in the morning and says, “I’m going to be a total asshole today, all day long.” But seriously, how else do you explain something like this?

Breaking Cat News, 8/25/19

It’s the long-awaited crossover event between Breaking Cat News and Marvin. At last, POOP IS EVERYWHERE!

— Uncle Lumpy

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Spider-Man, 4/30/19

I know I said I wasn’t going to get into Rerun Newspaper Spider-Man until it dipped a little further into the vaults than five years ago, but I guess I should grudgingly acknowledge that the particular rerun storyline they chose to launch the reruns involves Mysterio as a villain, who will also be the villain in this summer’s upcoming Spider-Man: Far From Home, which means that this zombified strip is doing a significantly better job of adding the infinitesimal amount of buzz of which it’s capable into the cultural ether to boost the next entry in the most lucrative series of films in cinematic history than it did when it was still a going concern.

Anyway, not that I expect to revisit this, but the outcome of this newspaper storyline was that this Mysterio wasn’t the real Mysterio, despite the fact that as far as I’m concerned anyone who puts on this ludicrously dumb costume with its fishbowl helmet and calls themselves Mysterio deserves to be thought of as a real Mysterio, at least. I would find it profoundly amusing and satisfying if this were also the shocking twist at the end of Spider-Man: Far From Home, a film where presumably 75% of those seeing it will have only the vaguest of familiarity with the character. The main result would be a collective “Huh?” from most of the audience, followed by some furious rewriting of the infinite “Who Is Mysterio, The Villain Of Spider-Man: Far From Home?” explainer articles churned out by every publication from Politico to Bon Appétit as they desperately seek out that sweet, sweet Marvel Cinematic Universe SEO traffic.

Mark Trail, 4/30/19

Mark has been scowling aggressively at JJ pretty much from the moment he met him, and he’s gotten so deep into it that he seems to have forgotten his real primary non-punching role, which is to interject nature facts at vaguely appropriate times. Looks like Doc has to do his work for him! And he’s not doing a great job! Javelinas aren’t pigs, but they’re part of the suborder Suina, which means they’re more closely related to pigs than any animal that isn’t a pig. You’re lucky you’re so far out in the desert that nobody can look this up on their phone, Doc!

Dennis the Menace, 4/30/19

I’m not up on modern methods of child discipline, but usually when a kid’s in “time out” or whatever they call it these days, do his parents let his friends just wander in and talk with him? I mean, maybe the other kids’ parents want them to see him, like as a cautionary example or something.

Hagar the Horrible, 4/30/19

Hmm … Lucky Eddie wants to open a fish store because he’s … “passionate” … about … fish?

Hagar the Horrible, 7/17/18 and 8/26/17

Noooooooooooooo

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Spider-Man, 3/28/19

Yes, we’ve all been very sad about the end of Newspaper Spider-Man, but at least we’ve been promised a trip through the strip’s forty-plus years of archives before King Features and/or Marvel figure out how to better cash in on MCU Mania in the funny pages. This week we’re getting our first rerun storyline and it’s from … literally less than five years ago????? Come the heck on, Newspaper Spider-Man, I want to see Peter Parker being a sullen dick in the ’70s and I will not be featuring you on this web-log until then, good day sir

Dennis the Menace, 3/28/19

The smile on the gentleman’s face says “Ahh, he wants to menace me with heckling, but he’s still too young for dick jokes.”

Rex Morgan, M.D., 3/28/19

“They’re not twins, and in fact one of them’s adopted! So, this could make for a great nature vs. nurture study if one of them turns out to be real shitty. And that’s the sort of research that could get me invited to a lot more of these medical conferences where I wouldn’t have to spend time with either of them, now that I think about it!”

Mary Worth, 3/28/19

Heeeeeeeeeeere comes the grift, everybody