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Spider-Man, 12/2/17

Wait, so Peter Parker knows Dr. Connors is The Lizard, but Dr. Connors doesn’t know that Peter Parker is Spider-Man? That’s what I’m assuming from Peter coyly saying he’s developed different interests since his days as Dr. Connors’ lab flunky while thought-ballooning about his own super-heroics. If Connors is truly in the dark, then he’s just seeing Peter smirking and not following up on his obvious hint, and probably is thinking “gee, what a dipshit,” just like I do three out of every four times I read this comic.

Anyway, this seems like an unfair power imbalance! Whenever anyone’s embarking on a dangerous journey of self-experimentation, he should have all the facts about his lab assistant available to him! FOR INSTANCE, if he knew that he was being assisted not just by some dork who strings for a New York tabloid but by a man with enhanced strength and combat abilities who could defeat and contain, say, a giant, angry, rampaging reptile, he might err a little more on the side of “OK maybe this new formula will turn me into a lizard like the last one did, but there’s only like a one in three chance, so let’s give it a shot.”

Rex Morgan, M.D., 12/2/17

Right, so, as many predicted, it turns out that bad-ass art forger guy is Rene, Sarah’s erstwhile art teacher. As the dragnet closes in around him, what has he got to say for himself?

YOUR CONCEPT OF ORIGINALITY IS HOPELESSLY OUTDATED, MAN

THIS IS AN “EVERYTHING IS A REMIX” CULTURE

I’M TRANSFORMING YOUR ORIGINAL CONTENT WITH IRONY AND RECONTEXTUALIZATION IN WAYS YOUR FEEBLE MIND COULDN’T EVEN UNDERSTAND

AND I’M MAKING MAD BANK DOING IT TOO

HELPING THAT CHICK TORTURE HER NERD EX-HUSBAND IN THE PROCESS WAS JUST A BONUS

Ha ha! That Belluso kid, he’s plays by his own rules!

Pluggers, 12/2/17

Pluggers used to be into sex, but now the best they can expect from their failing physical form is the ability to maintain a stable train of thought for more than a few minutes at a time.

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Spider-Man, 11/25/17

It’s incredibly crucial for continuity strips like Spider-Man to tie up every last narrative loose end in order to satisfy their famously nitpicky audiences. For instance, when the Parkers arrived at Dr. Connors’ lab, it was apparently abandoned, which is why our hero barged in and got womped in the face with some big metal thing that was never fully explained, actually, and then discovered that the lab was still fully occupied by Dr. Connors. But if that was the case, then where was Dr. Connors’ vehicle, huh? Surely if a sensible minivan with a bunch of crazy re-arm-ulating equipment thrown in the cargo area were parked in the front the building, Peter would’ve immediately said, “Ah ha! Dr. Connors is home, despite the apparently dilapidated state of his lab! I shall knock before entering!” Too bad for Peter that the lab comes with off-street parking, although it’s probably great for Dr. Connors, since it’s no doubt tricky to haul big pieces of equipment to and from the car with only one arm, and besides you probably shouldn’t leave a bunch of scientific gizmos with high resale value too visible in car just parked at the curb. Anyway, I look forward to learning how exactly all the windows got broken (probably by the big metal womping thing, which took a while to calibrate before it only womped intruders).

Funky Winkerbean, 11/25/17

One of my least favorite Funky Winkerbean moves (and really, it’s quite a list) is when one of the characters makes a joke, and normally you’d think that joke represented to strip’s punchline, except instead the characters then assess how corny the joke is, and that’s actually supposed to be the punchline, somehow??? Today’s strip really builds a whole emotional arc out of it, with Becky giving Harry a sly look right as she unleashes her pun in the second panel, and Harry wagging his finger as he assesses it the third. I look forward to the day where someone makes some terrible wordplay and then we just have weeks and weeks of strips analyzing it!

Mary Worth, 11/25/17

Shoutout to Pedro for adhering to the salesman’s creed: Always. Be. Closing. Sure, Wilbur just caught him making out with Wilbur’s girlfriend, who’s supposed to be his cousin, but that doesn’t necessarily mean Wilbur is closed off to prospect of buying some discounted salsa lessons. You’ll never know until you ask!

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Mark Trail, 11/21/17

Mark’s sidekick Johnny was too cowardly to gun down a woman, so instead he’s going to lure her down to the tunnel under the bank, where the bear will eat her.

Spider-Man, 11/21/17

Sorry all comedy writers everywhere, but nothing you produce this week will be funnier than “I can’t have my wife back — but at least maybe I can grow a new arm.” Anyway, I’m glad we’re finally going to find out why supposed science nerd Peter Parker works in the incredibly low-paying field of freelance news photography rather than getting a job as a lab tech or something. I assume that it’s because he’s actually pretty bad at science, which is great for me because I’m psyched to see one of his screwups turn Dr. Connors into a lizard.

Beetle Bailey, 11/21/17

Man, I have to say, Lt. Fuzz was not at the top of my “who at Camp Swampy is going to plan the coup” list.

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 11/21/17

Boy, this bluegrass version of Jay-Z’s “99 Problems” sure changed some things!