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Mary Worth, 12/25/07

Ho ho ho, old lady! Soon your beloved new pet — the only living thing that can still stand to be around you, or the only one that can’t flee, at least — will be torn away from you and then you’ll be ALONE, ALONE, ALONE! Ha ha ha! Holiday greetings!

So, I’m back! Sad to say, I haven’t even caught up on the comics yet from my visit — I have no idea what’s going on with Chester’s Choice and the Damn Brownies and Liz and Anthony’s Half-Hearted Christmas Eve Lovemaking and OH MY GOD THE CURTIS KWANZAARAMA! I had to have my attention drawn to the Christmas Day gem above by a link on the Shortpacked! blog. Showing how much the Shortpacked/Comics Curmudgeon readerships are overlapping, here’s this random picture of Finger-Quotin’ 20th Anniversary Optimus Prime from faithful reader Stewart Dean!

Er. So, how did your Christmas go, faithful readers? Get any good loot? The comics-related elements in my haul included the awesomely named Art of Ill Will, a book on the history of political comics, which I got from my dad. More visually intriguing was the following gem:

There’s nothing better to give a young narcissist than the gift of ME! This fine portrait was drawn by cartoonist Tony Millionaire, the guy behind Maakies and Sock Monkey. Mr. Millionaire was involved in a Christmas original art swap with Alison Bechdel, of longtime Dykes to Watch Out For and more recent Fun Home fame. Ms. Bechdel, whom I met once in NYC earlier this year, said:

I kept racking my brains, trying to think of someone who’d really, truly appreciate a Tony Millionaire portrait of themselves … but to no avail. Then I was looking through my iPhoto pictures for some reason, and ran across a couple I’d taken of you at MoCCA in June. And I thought, Of course! The Curmudgeon!

My heart was extremely touched! And my head got slightly bigger! I thought I’d share this picture with you before I permanently installed it on the ceiling above my bed.

But hey, enough about me! What about your late December extravanganzae? I know for a fact that at least five of you were celebrating in style, enjoying a Comics Curmudgeon meetup in the Big Easy on December 26!

From left, that’s faithful readers Big Sims, Shannon, Non-Shannon (in Chopstick Technique gear), Bootsy (in Search Advice gear), and Trotzenbonnie (in partially obscured the Urge gear). I love this picture so much. Don’t they look like a team of superheroes in their secret identities? Or perhaps a rag-tag gang of misfits, each with a unique skill, called together to rescue the kidnapped president, or perhaps rob a high-security vault full of diamonds?

In the next picture, you can get a better look at the Urge shirt, and see that the circle at the base of the arrow does not in fact center over one’s nipple as some feared. Also, Trotzenbonnie and Shannon look awfully calm considering they’re right next to some kind of horrifying FBOFW-branded demon-eyed doll thing.

I also got the following note and picture:

Latest CNN hero Steve Peifer sends his greetings before he departs to Kenya. He’s your biggest fan in Africa. See more at CNN’s Web site. One may wonder why he is writing in third person, it’s because his amazing son is writing it!!!

No word on whether Steve is baffling the children of Kenya with his Mark Trail-themed shirt as he arranges for food to be available to them in their schools. A shout-out to you, Steve!

Also! Through means that I’m not at liberty to disclose, I am able to share with you some Christmas pictures from another Comics Curmudgeon regular. Here’s the Galactic Emperor Chennux attempting to magmacannon Chucky, the Fiber Optic Snowman.

And here his Imperial Loudness enjoys a simple Zynexian feast of potatoes and syrup prior to skxcritort deployment.

And! While I must sadly pass over most of the comics that ran while I was on vacation, I am obliged to linger over a couple of TDIETs that appeared during my absence. The first comes from an idea submitted by faithful reader HBGlord:

They’ll Do It Every Time, 12/24/07

Bonus Scadutoism: “Yo-yo-b-ba-bee-yo-y-yo”.

The second is from faithful reader Matt Brauer. I particularly enjoy the look of real anger on little Ragweed Jr. as he attempts to bludgeon his sister with a baseball bat.

Bonus Scadutoism: “kinder.”

Real comics from yours truly … tomorrow! Meanwhile, I shall let Keg of Curd rule the COTW roost until next Monday, but for now we must give thanks to our advertisers, yes we must.

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Luann, 12/19/07

Check out Toni’s right hand. Anything weird about it? A little off? No? How about the fact that it appears to be almost two-thirds as long as the whole rest of her arm? I know she’s a cartoon character with, for instance, weird beady little eyes and an impossibly large mouth, but there’s something about her hand that’s creeping me out. Urrrgggh.

I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I really hope Brad and Toni are overcome by the festiveness of their costumes and end up playing “bad Santa and naughty elf.” Not because I want to see or even imagine their erotic congress, mind you, but I just want it over with. Please. The sexual tension between these two is not hot. It’s soooo very un-hot and queasy-making, and the inhumanly large hand ISN’T HELPING. Just do it already, you two, because it will be terrible and awkward and you’ll never do it again and then we can all rest easy.

Spider-Man, 12/19/07

The sad thing is that the six weeks of Google searches to which we’re about be treated are actually preferable to the alternative, which is of course six weeks of Peter Parker whining at the TV. At least Spider-Man will actually be doing something, even if it’s just typing. I love the way the flat-screen monitor is dramatically foregrounded in the final panel, as if to say, “Here, dear reader! Here is the true hero of this strip! Behold, the Internet!”

Slylock Fox, 12/19/07

Remember, everyone, you don’t need to spend big money on tickets to Stomp! You can just recreate it in your own home! Also, children as young as eighteen months can be trained to make margaritas.

They’ll Do It Every Time, 12/19/07

I have a note in my calendar that today’s TDIET is from faithful reader Tili; if so, stand up and take a bow! I am in full solidarity with you, my night owl brother or sister. The Man tells you that you should get up early and go to bed early, but without late night toiling where would we be? This blog would be short quite a few posts, I’ll tell you that much.

Marmaduke, 12/19/07

Do you ever get the feeling that the creator of Marmaduke is just totally bonkers? Well, today’s comic is not going to disabuse you of that notion.

Hey, remember when I speculated on a Sally Forth-Shortpacked crossover? Behold my power over the world of cartooning!

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For Better Or For Worse and They’ll Do It Every Time, 12/18/07

Just to show how deeply the FOOB hooks have sunk into all of our hearts, I’d like to confess that, like several commentors, I was doing the math in my head yesterday when April said that there’d be 14 guests at the Christmas Patterbash. Who would the extra two be? Today we learn that they’ll be Deanna’s parents, which I am quite frankly very pleased about. Deanna’s mother may be awful and hateful, but there will be nobody for that hate to be focused on except her in-laws, and that can only be a good thing. Her constant harping and barely passive aggression should up the chance of someone getting punched in the face, and I’m going to need to hold on to that possibility if I’m going to make it through this.

Deanna may be pleased now about how much help she’ll be getting from her guests in the food prep department, but today’s TDIET holds a clue to her inevitable post-party future. The glassy-eyed Deanna-bot will no doubt be grimly polishing the dishes long into the evening, as Mike teaches the kids how to break things, or, more likely, hides in his attic office, staring at the computer screen and indulging in an inner monologue in which self-doubt provides a thin veneer for self-aggrandizing.

(Bonus Scadutoism: “Reunionite.”)

Apartment 3-G, 12/18/07

Directions Eric could be going with this:

• “Look, Margo, it’s been fun having sex with you and all, but this is pretty much where I start making excuses for not seeing you.”
• “It’s just that … having seen the horror of my parents’ marriage … I just don’t know if I can ever truly … commit myself …” (Note: May be cover story for previous bullet point.)
• “Oh, you’re from a dysfunctional family too? And have never learned to express feelings in any kind of healthy way either? Well, we’re perfect for each other then!”
• “Margo, what I’m trying to say is that you remind me of my mother. And my mother is fucking terrifying.”

Curtis, 12/18/07

Despite my Curmudgeonly status, I must give props to even those corny jokes that give me little guffaws of joy, and the image that Curtis offers today — of snowflakes that are really tiny elf turds — definitely did that. I might feel differently the next time it snows and I’m unable to get the image out of my head. I also like the way Curtis is rooting around the branches of the Christmas tree, looking for anything even remotely edible to cram down his insatiable gullet.

Funky Winkerbean, 12/18/07

Dear Funky Winkerbean:

Ahem.

A “SOLO CAR DATE” IS NOT A REAL THING THAT ANYONE ACTUALLY SAYS. REPEATING IT OVER AND OVER WILL NOT MAKE IT A REAL THING THAT ANYONE ACTUALLY SAYS.

I thank you for your time.

Sincerely,
The Comics Curmudgeon

Archie, 12/18/07

“To be honest, though, I think a lot of people are just stopping by his booth to stare at his crotch.”