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The Lockhorns, 5/13/17

You know how it works: with worms, you catch a little fish. With a fish, you catch a much, much bigger fish. One big enough to swallow you whole, you and your entire boat, and end your hated life with your hated spouse forever. Look at Leroy’s faraway smile, just thinking about how death, blessed death, will finally come for him, deep in a friendly fish’s warm, snug belly.

Mark Trail, 5/13/17

Oh, hey, uh, are these guys still talking? Apparently! The hairlines are continuing to retreat at a rapid pace. Look at the dude in panel one! He’s just got a hair island left in the middle of his head! For a gruff cop, that is an extremely avant-garde hairstyle.

Mary Worth, 5/13/17

OH MY GOD IT REALLY WAS A TRAP

AND NOW KATIE’S BEEN LEFT TO DIE IN A FILTHY ACTUALLY PRETTY CLEAN HAITIAN BATHROOM

LEAVING ENTERTAINER ESMÉ FREE TO SEDUCE DEREK, AND THEN SMOKE CIGARETTES WITH HIM AFTERWARDS

THIS IS AMAZING

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The week’s top comment: here it is!

“Looking forward to Spidey’s beatdown from a guy whose superpower is never to end a sentence with a preposition.” –matt w

The hilarious runners up: here they are!

“Three kids eat a bunch of cookies and they’re charged with a criminal offense. Slylock haphazardly parks his car at an angle so it not only blocks the driveway but is halfway out in the street and he’s rewarded with a hot steaming mug.” –Spunky The Wonder Squid

“Wow. Society has collapsed. The gatekeepers of capitalism are long dead. And yet, our heroine still refers to her daily hunting expeditions as ‘shopping.’ Now that’s what I call internalizing Western values.” –Joe Blevins

‘Body language or something — they haven’t quite pinpointed it yet.’ He’s BALD, okay? Just say it! Jeez, do we have to be so ‘politically correct’ that we pussyfoot around the obvious?” –handsome Harry Backstayge, idol of a million other women

“Someone’s been experimenting with the ‘frowny face’ character template. I wouldn’t mind if we pull back the camera just a bit, thanks.” –Rusty

“I think it was pretty optimistic of the young hipsterbilly to expect sushi for sale in what is clearly some sort of artisanal log store.” –Truckosaurus

“It’s good to see that even Hootin’ Holler is part of the growing farm-to-table local food trend. Snuffy brings the big sushi-grade catfish fresh from stream to market every morning right after he fucks them to death.” –Mikey

“Poorly! Turns out most people use ‘pancake’ these days, and the term ‘hotcake’ just confuses them. Still, good for setting up crusty jokes. Speaking of which, have I told you about our upcoming ‘Salad Days?’” –pugfuggly

“Trixie, you’re not going to grow faster just because you shit your pants in the second panel. Fertilizer only works on plants.” –nescio

“His newest nemesis: THE DIPSTICK” –Dennis Jimenez

“The bucket appears to read ‘Ace Drywall Compound,’ which could mean he’s a builder, but I’m betting it just means he stole it from a construction site. –Pozzo

This is the most disappointing Mary Worth I’ve read in a long time, mostly because I was invested in Esmé somehow forcing her and Derek to miss the boat and keeping him captive on the island to be her lover, like Calypso. I don’t think that problem could’ve been solved by meddling, though, which means we have been robbed of seeing Mary don a beret and fatigues and leading an invasion of Haiti. Thanks for nothing.” –Drew Funk

“Are you sure those are Chip’s nips and not his eyes? After all, we’ve never seen those, either.” –Charles Nelson,Really!

“Is that smug face as she brags about High School Band trophies ironic? It has to be ironic, right? Otherwise, this would be the saddest town in the history of the– oh, right. Carry on, band booster lady.” –Dread

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Mary Worth, 5/12/17

So in addition to being a shitty husband, Derek is a terrible boss as well! “Hey, Sandy, Denise, thanks for holding down the fort here at the office while I took a three-week vacation to ‘reconnect’ with the wife or whatever. You do not want to hear about how that went, ha ha! Anyway, I saw this extremely generic teal hat in a fenced-off vacation compound in Haiti and thought of you guys. Uh, I only bought one, so, I guess you can share it?”

Meanwhile, Katie is exploring the Mystery Of The Propped-Open Bathroom Door! THEORIES: Either it’s a trap laid by her romantic rival, Entertainer Esmé, who’s lying in wait in there with a knife, or the plumbing’s backed up and the toilets smell very, very bad.

Funky Winkerbean, 5/12/17

As you all know, I normally choose to think as little as possible about the decade-wide Funkyverse chrono-disconnect between Crankshaft and Funky Winkerbean, but I have to admit that I’m intrigued by Becky’s passing reference to “tear[ing] down the old bus garage” mere days in real time (and ten years in Funkyverse time) after the Crankshaft gang ruminated over the possibility that they’d be replaced by robots. I certainly hope they did get replaced by robots, and that moreover Crankshaft’s pension was docked so the school district could afford to buy the lubricant the robots need to function at peak efficiency.

Hi and Lois, 5/12/17

Peter Parker? No nipples. Dagwood Bumstead and Mark Trail? No nipples. Congratulations to Chip Flagston, the daily comics’ first benipplèd man!