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Mary Worth, 10/6/16

Ever since Mary implied to Iris that maybe her adult son spiraled down into unemployment and pill addiction because she was going to school and not mothering him 24/7, Iris has been very involved in Tommy’s life! Some might say … too involved, like that time she sat through a whole therapy session with him. Anyway, Iris, you should not be going to Narcotics Anonymous with him, because that pretty much breaks all the rules. Why not check out Nar-Anon instead, if you’re so keen on going to a meeting? That organization is specifically for the families and friends of those dealing with drug addiction. That name again is Nar-Anon. Not Narconon. Under no circumstances should you go to Narconon. No, wait, actually, it would be pretty hilarious if you went to Narconon. “Tommy, I know you’ve gotten a lot out of the Bible, so here are some more books with even more helpful tips!” [Hands him Dianetics, Battlefield Earth, and all ten volumes of the Misson Earth dekology]

Dick Tracy, 10/6/16

Probably “bare the marks of an addict” is just a garden-variety typo, but I’m hoping it’s a look into Dick’s attitude towards the public he ostensibly serves: whenever he encounters someone he suspects might be polluting his mind and body with illicit substances, he uses his will to power to force them to bare the marks that reveal their crimes against society and themselves, so he can arrest them with maximum contempt.

Spider-Man, 10/6/16

Like many 42-year-olds, my eyesight has been in decline in a couple different ways for at least three years, and last month I finally bit the bullet and got bifocals, with lenses for both reading and computer use, and it literally felt like I had gone to Lourdes and gotten faith-healed. What I’m saying is, as a guy who can suddenly read laundry care labels with ease and sits a normal distance away from his monitor again, I understand Egghead’s urge to talk about his “magnifying goggles” as if he’s dealing with some piece of high-tech supervillainry equipment, but, Egghead, my man: those are clearly just glasses.

Mark Trail, 10/6/16

You know, if Mark freakin’ Trail interrupts you and redirects the conversation when in you’re the middle of spouting a bunch of nature facts, maybe you should think long and hard about how to work those nature facts into conversations more organically.

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Funky Winkerbean, 10/5/16

“Unfortunately, I also inherited her rare medical condition, which means that my thin, reed-like neck and limbs aren’t able support their own weight and thus I need a powered exoskeleton suit to live. The good news is that more and more films are being made in which the female lead wears a spacesuit throughout, so my career is really starting to take off.”

Judge Parker, 10/15/16

Oh no

Oh NO

Sophie has been dragged from that car wreck and kidnapped by a sinister she-villain known only as…

THE BUTTRESS

Get it because…

…ess is a feminine ending…

…and…

I mean you get it, right

I’m sorry

(I’m not really sorry)

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Rex Morgan, M.D., 10/4/16

So the Morgans seem determined to buy a bloated modern house instead of a fusty, antique-cluttered Victorian with bad romantic karma. But even soulless McMansions from the ’90s have a little character, as Sarah is discovering in the delightful little “hidden” “awesome” “kid-sized only” “playroom” under the stairs that someone less whimsical might call “storage space” or “a terrible accident waiting to happen.” Anyway, note the little “SECRET CLUBHOUSE FOR KIDS ONLY SIGN” already hanging up on the wall, indicating that the “little character” I mentioned in the previous sentence is the ghost of the six-year-old who died after getting trapped in there in 2004.

Shoe, 10/4/16

Haha, I absolutely love the emotional turn this strip takes in the final panel. It would’ve been easy to have our lady bird deliver the punchline with heavy-lidded, languid bitterness, and maybe that was her intention; instead, upon just thinking about her ex-husband, her eyes bug out with anger as she realizes, in a rush of emotion, that she isn’t past the awful end of that relationship, and probably never will be.

Pluggers, 10/4/16

Little-known fact: about ten years ago, I made a list of signs that will indicate that we live in a truly degraded age, and “Pluggers does a Viagra joke” was pretty close to the top! Anyway, pluggers gave up on sex years ago, and their main hope for a big romantic encounter is that their joints stop hurting for a few hours, at least enough so they can focus on what their date is saying.