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Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 11/8/15

Fun news! The current creative team behind Barney Google and Snuffy Smith has decided to dip into the strip’s long history and bring us a long-forgotten character: Granny Creeps, a black-clad crone who lives in a cave and performs mountain folk magic for community residents. This might give rise to intriguing plotlines about the very deep persistence of pre-Christian belief systems in rural, isolated communities, but as the punchline of today’s strip makes clear, Granny Creeps is as much a grifter and fraud as Hootin’ Holler’s supposed champion of monotheism.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 11/8/15

Hooray! Milton Avery, who is in fact ill, with debilitating dementia, of the sort that would prevent him from running a company, has managed to hold it together for the length of a board meeting, so he and his wife, who has no professional background in aerospace or spy satellites or lenses or whatever it is this company does, will continue to run it, rather than this nice Indian man who probably has some interesting ideas about new directions for the company and would at least carry on the tradition of cricket fandom in the corporate boardroom. Along the way, Milton has publicly humiliated his son, who has done nothing throughout this process but tell the truth about his father’s increasing incapacity and look out for the best interest of the company’s shareholders. Haha, remember Hugh’s last storyline, when everyone tried to gaslight him when he realized they were, in actuality, conspiring against him? Remember how his dad has been a monster to him for his entire life? Remember how he’s the bad guy in this storyline, for some reason?

Six Chix, 11/8/15

hey lady

EVERYONE CAN SEE AND HEAR YOU, NOT JUST THE DRONE

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Crankshaft, 11/7/15

Ha, so not only did the mayoral election end in a tie because Crankshaft forgot to vote, but the tie was broken by a coin toss (a real thing that happens!) and Ralph let Crankshaft call it, which he did incorrectly, so Crankshaft lost the election for Ralph twice. Anyway, I skipped over these action-packed strips and instead chose to share with you today’s end-of-week installment, in which Crankshaft and Ralph huddle miserably under a too-small umbrella in a driving rain, their dreams crushed, because I’m cruel like that.

Funky Winkerbean, 11/7/15

Speaking of cruelty, it seems that Holly is OK with her son using her carefully collected comics as exchange for a bride-price trinket. But don’t worry, something terrible has to come of all this (other than Cory and Rocky’s inevitable divorce), and that something is the ultimate victory of the Chiseler, who was presented as the villain in the long-running Holly Carefully Collects Comics storyline. Remember, this is the Funkyverse, where even the joy is bad.

Dennis the Menace, 11/7/15

“Isn’t that cool? Isn’t it neat how all of humanity, all of biological life, is linked in a great chain of being? With each link more and more important until the chain reaches its logical conclusion: me? But the chain stops here. I am the end of everything you know, and the beginning of something you can’t possibly imagine. I am Dennis. I am the menace.”

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Whoomp! Here the comment of the week is!

“So begins the crossover between the comic with the ancient, immortal ghost and the one with the jungle patrol.” –Ettore Costa, on Facebook

I can’t think of another ’80s/’90s hiphop reference, so here, enjoy this information about Doug E. Fresh from Scientology’s Celebrity magazine, and also these hilarious runners up!

“In the two throw-away panels, Mary speculates about how many times she has flown during her lifetime. Well, however many times it is, apparently it isn’t enough for her to know that airplanes don’t have large rectangular picture windows. Mary, you got on a Greyhound bus by mistake. When you get home, have Hanna Dingdon refer you to a good ophthalmologist.” –seismic-2

“Yes, you’ve won a ‘time out’ life sentence spent going slowly insane in solitary confinement! This prize is brought to you by those ‘baby boomer’ hippies and their overly soft prison system!” –Steve S

“Attention, passengers. This is your captain speaking. We do ask that you fasten your safety belts, as we are experiencing some mild ‘inspirational quotes’-related turbulence. If you look out the window on your right, you’ll see a Class 3 Khalil Gibran forming on the horizon. And we expect to fly through two Leo Buscaglias and a Norman Vincent Peale before landing at LaGuardia.” –Joe Blevins

“The fare is 4.11, because Mary’s about to drop some information.” –Dan

“Use the passive voice all you want, Mary: Mr. Cabbie knows exactly who’s doing the advising, and while your stint at Ask Wendy may have been a big whoop-dee-doo in Santa Royale, it’s just podunk amateur hour as far as New Yorkers are concerned; in fact, this guy’s probably dispensed bone-headedly, objectively wrong advice to more strangers in the last hour than you have in the past three story-arcs combined.” –Wreck of the Oversnark

“Is this the first time we’ve heard a Slylock Fox character speak English? I’d always figured the animal society would speak a new lingua franca cobbled together from various species dialects — a sort of forest Esperanto, if you will. Has Reporter Bird unwittingly outed himself as a sympathizer to the human resistance? Will Slylock drag him outside and beat him with a billy club while Max and the dog cameraman look on in wide-eyed, mute amazement?” –TheDiva

“Props to Moy for dusting off the seldom-used ‘ellipsobang.'” –Chyron HR

“Will this crossover feature a place called ‘Charterskull’? Rephrase: which of my organs do I need to donate in order for this crossover to have a place called ‘Charterskull’?” –James Dowd, on Facebook

“CRISIS ON EXTREMELY FINITE EARTHS” –C. Sandy Cyst

“They’re right to look glum with their ‘I VOTED’ buttons. Everyone else in Hootin’ Holler is strutting around in their brand new ‘2015 WORLD CHAMPION NEW YORK METS’ T-shirts.” –Doctor Handsome

“Look at the half-lidded, dead gazes on the faces of all three Keanes. They all know that they’re just going through the motions at this point, quipping little malapropisms and ‘cute’ misunderstandings out of habit. There is no escape from The Circle, but maybe if they keep up the façade, they’ll continue getting backgrounds instead of featureless void.” –Drewbear

“The hilarious thing about this multiple viewpoint narration is that we get to see just how little Mary actually listens to people. Look: that whole middle panel of the Phantom explaining where Heloise is from gets reduced to the much more tidy ‘I’m not from the city’. Probably because as soon as she realized that, Mary started thinking of wise words to impart to this simple girl about life in the Big City, as only someone who lived there for a short period many many years ago can do.” –pugfuggly

“In other news, Mark Trail hastily decides to give Grimace a rectal exam, with disastrous results.” –The Might Untrained FOOZLE

“Hey, military school … you were just being used, man.” –Mibbitmaker

“I was busy getting out the vote. I kept running around town telling everyone that I fully supported your opponent, trying to leverage my irascible assholery into your victory. I’ve been working on this project since the late 1940s, Ralph, for you. I god damn well hope you’re worth it.” –hogenmogen

“‘What us,’ Gil? She’s obviously talking about herself and that monstrously gigantic hand she’s resting her chin on.” –Col. Havoc

“Since they always use capitals in the funnies, I’m going with ‘US.’ Holly: ‘I’m thinking about the US putting 50 advisor boots on the ground in Syria.’ Gil: ‘What Syria?'” –Dennis Jimenez

“Hip dysplasia is no laughing matter.” –handsome Harry Backstayge, idol of a million other women

“If that’s Neddy’s idea of a party, it’s no wonder Hank took up with a beauty queen.” –Pozzo

“No, no, Marie, you’ve got to make more use of dramatic pauses. First it’s ‘The beauty queen.’ Then you stop for a breath. Then you raise the bloody severed head. ‘Is no more!’ And scene.” –Artist formerly known as Ben

“I think that looks exactly like the face of a man engaging in a long-running gag … a gag running so long that he has to get completely drunk just to participate without questioning his lot in life and contemplating suicide.” –DaveyK

Thanks to everyone who put some scratch in my tip jar! And let’s give thanks to our advertisers:

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