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The Phantom, 12/8/15

We’ve now got to the part of the Tales of the Young Phantom where the Phantom had to ditch his posh American boarding school and go back to Bangalla and take over for his dad, who presumably was horribly mangled in a battle on the river against bandits and/or hippos. My favorite part of this strip is that Guran, who normally lets it all hang out in garb well-suited to Bangalla’s tropical climate, has been forced to put on Western clothes to fit in, and looks extremely unhappy about it. What is that, a blue chambray shirt tucked into jeans? Looks like faithful reader lumaca morente’s guess that this was all happening the ’90s was spot on.

Spider-Man, 12/8/15

One of my very favorite Newspaper Spider-Man storylines was when J. Jonah Jameson finally started offering health insurance to freelancers and Peter had to go get a physical before he could get insurance (which I’m pretty sure was never a thing, even in the days when you could be excluded for pre-existing conditions) and he wore his Spider-Man outfit under his clothes but then panicked when he forgot that visiting the doctor sometimes involves getting naked. I don’t remember how this ended, but he was briefly transformed into “Gown Man” and at some point the doctor tried to patent his spider-blood (the relative blood of a … spider?). What I’m saying is that I have high hopes for more medical hijinx from the quack J. Jonah Jameson keeps on retainer to certify that injuries suffered by Bugle contractors don’t qualify for workman’s comp.

In other news, JJJ’s right hand in panel two is reaching … through his jacket? Or maybe over it, or around it? To drape it over his right shoulder? The less time spent thinking about this the better, honestly.

Momma, 12/8/15

I’m not sure what the “EXIT” sign in panel one is supposed to signify. It’s pointing the way out of … this outdoor space where Francis is extolling his new girlfriend’s virtues? Sadly, if Momma thinks it’s an exit from this comic strip, she has another thing coming.

Gasoline Alley, 12/8/15

“Remember, kids, being one of the most famous writers in the world won’t do jack shit for you, financially! If you want to get rich, you’ve gotta do something really profitable, like patent valuable scrapbooking paraphernalia!”

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Dennis the Menace and Beetle Bailey, 12/7/15

These are, in my opinion, some solid prompts for philosophical discussion. If we conceive of our lives as an endless series of journeys towards some specific destinations, don’t we ignore the charms and possibilities of the intermediary space we pass through, every inch of which is itself a possible destination? Similarly, why do we discount the third of our lives we spend asleep? It’s largely opaque to us, but is it possible that sleep is really what we’re for, and we only wake up when we can’t sleep anymore? Anyway, A+++ work this Monday, guys, feel free to spend the rest of the week slacking off with mild jokes about children who don’t understand that you shouldn’t repeat rude things your parents say about their friends and/or the tragedy of physical abuse in our armed forces.

Judge Parker, 12/7/15

Much as I would like the Spencer-Drivers to all be arrested at once after a long investigation by the Securities and Exchange Commission and IRS working in tandem, I’m assuming Neddy is about to get a ticket for her semi-competent operation of this huge behemoth of a motor home. You know, in some countries, monetary fines don’t have set amounts but are instead calculated based on the offender’s income, on the logic that otherwise the rich would be able to, say, speed or run lights with impunity; this can result in very wealthy people being handed six-figure traffic tickets. The practice is almost unheard of in the U.S., and it’s too bad because otherwise the local municipality here would have its budget covered for the next decade.

Herb and Jamaal, 12/7/15

Haha, yes, fish that’s of such high quality that you can eat it raw, that’s definitely like everything else on this list here!

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Funky Winkerbean, 12/6/15

As is the case in many societies, the economic and spiritual malaise that lies over Westview can be traced back to its education system. For instance, when a science teacher urges his students to “put on [their] thinking caps,” you’d think he was about to challenge them to use their knowledge of the scientific method to solve some problem or test a hypothesis. But at Westview High, this is just a prelude to a rambling punny joke-style utterance that might, if they’re lucky, teach them the Latin name of a constellation, a datum that at best you could call science-adjacent. The students look on in dumb incomprehension, which is a good preparation for their life in the Funkyverse, which will mostly consist of abuse structured as terrible unfunny wordplay.

Judge Parker, 12/6/15

You might be thinking, “The Spencer-Drivers are almost unimaginably rich. Isn’t it kind of unseemly for them to rush to cash this check, considering the solid possibility that Neddy is going to destroy the RV before delivering it to its purchaser?” Well, the joke’s on you and your bourgeois morality. How do you think the Spencer-Drivers got to be unimaginably rich? It certainly wasn’t by not cashing checks.

Marvin, 12/6/15

Kudos to Marvin for getting through a whole Sunday comic without a reference to urine or feces, I guess, but I have to say I find Jeff’s dead-eyed explanation of why dogs like nose-rubs pretty off-putting. It’s just because they have big noses, OK? There’s no pleasure to be had from rubbing the nose of your beloved pet. Any sense of bonding or connection you get from the process is false. It’s a simple physical reaction to an immutable physical fact. I kind of wish this strip was about Marvin shitting, honestly. At least Marvin enjoys shitting.

Spider-Man, 12/16/15

Backed into a corner and unsure how to respond, Peter Parker reacts like the hero he is: by slamming his head into JJJ’s computer until he can induce blessed unconsciousness.