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Shoe, 5/20/15

If you’re like, me you saw the Perfesser’s statement that he attended a “1950s sock hop” and immediately thought, “Have the bird-men of Shoe invented time travel, and do they use it to travel back to enjoy the innocent entertainments of simpler eras?” But the answer is clearly no, as obviously the Perfesser wouldn’t have phone service in the days before the deployment of modern wireless networks. So instead, we’ll have to console ourselves with the deliciously depressing story of the evening that we can derive from this strip: the Perfesser, having finally worked up the energy to leave behind another grim night at home, went out for a social event with fellow bird-nostalgists, only to be overcome with social anxiety at the thought of actually interacting with others; he thus spent the whole evening staring at his phone screen, with eventually disastrous results.

Heathcliff, 5/20/15

Hmm, how many SynergyPoints™ should we award today’s Avengers-themed Heathcliff? Well, we should deduct some for the fact that it was published nearly three weeks after the movie debuted, but perhaps add some back because the colorists correctly did up Heathcliff in Hulk green despite the absence of explicit color or even name cues in the caption text.

Archie, 5/20/15

OK, Newspaper Archie, we know you’re just slumming it here on the comics pages and most of your money comes from those Double Digests on sale at supermarket checkout aisles around the country, but that doesn’t mean you have to be rude about the genre.

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Six Chix, 5/19/15

Congratulations, Six Chix: you’ve set a new record for fastest ever transition from “intriguing setup for a sexual scenario involving a sex toy or perhaps a friend” to “dear God these poor women need to huddle with domestic animals for warmth because they can’t afford to adequately heat their home.”

Pluggers, 5/19/15

Haha, yes, pluggers still form the strong social community bonds that create the trust necessary for informal financial lending networks like this, but make no mistake: pluggers will also be 100% very much cashing their actual government-issued Social Security checks as soon as they’re available.

Herb and Jamaal, 5/19/15

Herb needs to vacuum the rug because it’s littered with corpses.

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Dennis the Menace, 5/18/15

Dennis usually gets to let loose the menacing bon mots in this feature, but today it’s Henry’s turn to engage in a little light cruelty. “Look at that dumb dog! Doesn’t even know what day it is. Garfield, now there’s a cartoon animal that knows how to read a calendar, by God.”

Mary Worth, 5/18/15

Terry Bryson has decided to hang out with her dangerously obsessed ex, engaging in risky activities like unsupervised balloon rides over jagged mountain peaks and, apparently, riding on roller coasters that have no seat belts or adequate restraint bars. “TAKE ME, DEATH,” she’s basically shouting in panel two, hoping to be torn from the seat by centrifugal force and hurled across the amusement park. I think we’re finally learning that Terry’s sorely missed the adrenaline-soaked thrill ride that police work provided on a daily basis. Teaching dim trophy wives how to avoid phishing scams simply won’t cut it for her any more.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 5/18/15

You know what’s a cool way to improve your social standing in school? Bring your smirking high-powered lawyer to a meeting at the principal’s office. It’s a power move that other kids respect!

Six Chix, 5/18/15

Why … why is the tooth fairy in the bed of a full-grown woman

DEAR GOD IS THIS WHAT I HAVE TO LOOK FORWARD TO