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Mary Worth, 3/31/15

Well, well, it seems Terry and Adam had a nice little thing going on before he became a stalker-y creep. They had it all — both at work, which apparently involved handing pamphlets to a combovered man while standing at attention and smirking, and at play, by which they mean brazenly making out with Adam wearing nothing but his undershirt. His undershirt! It’s a good thing Mary can’t see this shameful reverie … or can she?

Marvin, 3/31/15

Ha ha, it’s funny because Marvin is going try to sell food to people but hopes that the persistent odor of his feces will result in them eating less than what they’ve paid for!

Gasoline Alley, 3/31/15

WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW BOOG

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Apartment 3-G, 3/30/15

I’m reasonably sure that we haven’t met Carla before, but I assume from context that this latest Apartment 3-G character who looks kind of like, but is not, Lu Ann is Margo’s assistant? Anyway, the hand that Carla is gently resting on Margo’s collarbone rekindles prospects of Margo/Margo’s assistant sexytimes for all of us who finally gave up on the Sargo pairing. “You don’t have to demean me … but you could, if you wanted to as part of consensual dom/sub workplace roleplay.” Either that or Carla’s about to strangle her, one of the two.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 3/30/15

Speaking of workplace dominance, I am getting more excited about Nurse Carter’s apocalyptic arrival on the Morgan clinic scene by the day. “Yeah, I spent years in the DESERT getting HUMAN BLOOD all over me when I was UP TO MY ELBOWS in the GUTS of young people who got BLOWN UP for your FREEDOM to not use a FUCKING NAPKIN when you eat a SANDWICH, so we’re cool, don’t worry about it.”

Archie, 3/30/15

Man, Jughead sure looks awfully smug in that final panel. “Haha, this sure is a savage zinger that I didn’t even dare speak aloud, even though I’m miles away from the school cafeteria and its staff. I’m dying, bit by bit!”

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 3/30/15

Hey, are you vaguely aware of bitcoin, the distributed cryptocurrency that very few people care about but the ones who do care about it care about it a lot and won’t shut up about it? Were you wondering when it would stop being a thing? Well, good news, it’s a punchline in Snuffy Smith, so I’m pretty sure it’s officially not a thing anymore.

Crankshaft, 3/30/15

In today’s Crankshaft, Crankshaft’s saddest friend has a flat tire! That’s … the joke?

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Funky Winkerbean, 3/29/15

This isn’t the first time Funky Winkerbean has used “Nordic” as a euphemism for “clinically depressed.” “I think following that couple through those movies is a lot of fun.” “Yeah, you know what else is a lot of fun? Thinking about how everybody dies and none of us escape.”

Panel from Slylock Fox, 3/29/15

“Slylock helped the bird cough it up.” Haha, how much of Slylock’s job consists of him rooting around the gullets of semi-sapient animals who’ve accidentally eaten some valuable object or piece of evidence? “I’ll just, uh, be over here holding this nice lady’s purse,” says Max.

Rex Morgan, M.D. 3/29/15

Oh hey I haven’t talked about it at all but there’s been this whole other non-Sarah non-mob storyline about Nurse Becka who got a black eye from maybe falling into a dresser in the middle of an argument with her cheating husband and then abruptly quit her job and left town, so now we’ve got her replacement … Nurse Carter! Nurse Carter is here to clean up this operation. Literally. This operation is covered with mayonnaise. It’s pretty disgusting.

Panels from Dennis the Menace, 3/29/15

“In my day, during the long, anarchic regency for the child Emperor Of All Space Glorbax IX, we didn’t need a video game to raid the galaxy! We just went down to the Star Docks, found the most disreputable ship’s captain we could spot, swore a blood oath to defend his ship’s honor, and then launched into the lightly guarded Outer Rim systems! The Galactic Peacekeepers were thin on the ground out there, so we could bomb whole cities into submission, load up our cargo bay with the valuables we salvaged from the smoking ruins, and then headed to the Market Zone, where nobody asked any questions. Sometimes we’d even ensl — er, wait, no, I mean, uh, we played some dumb kangaroo game, here on Earth, where I’ve lived my whole life, yeah, that’s it.”