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Spider-Man, 12/8/14

“Boo!” You’re probably saying. “This Spider-Man plot is focused on Mary Jane’s movie career, and will be full of boring insider-y film business stuff and won’t deliver the non-stop action-packed superheroic thrill ride that Newspaper Spider-Man fans crave!” Well, joke’s on you! This isn’t just some boring scene where Mary Jane takes care of a little legal paperwork; it’s a very exciting scene where Mary Jane takes care of some legal paperwork drawn up by “Foggy” Nelson, the law partner of Matt Murdock, aka Marvel Comics’ own Daredevil! Murdock, that is. Murdock is the superhero. He’s not in this strip. But his law partner is! Pretty exciting, eh? Now we can begin the movie magic. (“Move magic” will consist of an hour standing around the set while the director of photography yells conflicting orders at the grips.)

Hagar the Horrible, 12/8/14

Ha, it’s funny because Vikings were actual murderers who terrorized Europe for a century, and by “character” Hagar means “post-traumatic stress disorder.”

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Hi and Lois, 12/7/14

Am I a bad person for seeing “It’s December 7th already” and immediately wishing that all of Lois’s subsequent dialogue were about her manic celebration of Pearl Harbor Day? “Bring down the scale model of the USS Arizona from the attic! Hang a portrait of FDR on the door! Turn off the outdoor lights, in case of Japanese air raids!”

B.C., 12/7/14

Haha this new breakdancing craze is so silly, amiright everyone? It’s just like spinning around rapidly! That’s my point, that I’m proving! Man, this is some cutting-edge stuff.

Speaking of points, I’m pretty sad ant-mom has nixed her son’s tattoo plans, because I’m very interested in seeing what kind of tattoo needle would work on his hard, chitinous exoskeleton.

Judge Parker, 12/7/14

The final panel of today’s strip demonstrates that the glow of Parker-Driver self-satisfaction is now so powerful it’s visible to the naked eye.

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Family Circus, 12/6/14

OH MY GOD, THEY AREN’T HUMAN

THEY’RE ONLY PRETENDING

THE HUGE, DISTENDED CRANIA, THE MANGLED LANGUAGE

WE SHOULD’VE KNOWN IT ALL ALONG

WHAT DO THEY WANT

WHAT WILL THEY TAKE FROM US

HOW CAN WE DEFEAT THEM, OR AT LEAST PLACATE THEM

ALL OTHER COMICS COMMENTARY IS CANCELLED TODAY, HUDDLE IN YOUR BASEMENTS AND HUG YOUR LOVED ONES, LIFE AS WE KNOW IT IS OVER