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Mary Worth, 5/7/14

Ten years ago (ten years ago!), Mary unleashed a magnificent act of passive aggression on poor Iris; after smelling Tommy’s weed-smoke drifting through the air vents, she dropped by to say hi to Irish and mention “whatever Tommy was smoking” all snide-like. Now, a decade later, she’s prepared to get semi-confrontational right to Tommy’s face! I’m not sure what I like better, her casual reference to “your history” or the idea that an ex-con will somehow magically have an easier time finding a job if only he reframes the process in his mind as some kind of redemption narrative.

Heathcliff, 5/7/14

So, I guess Heathcliff must occasionally seek legitimacy from the electorate to continue his reign as untouchable god-king? I’m assuming that this is just a Stalinist sham election with only a single name on the ballot: the campaign poster doesn’t even try to convey even the vaguest of political philosophies to entice the voter, but merely promotes a vision of Heathcliff as omnipresent and inevitable, which is of course its own sort of ideological stance.

Hi and Lois, 5/7/14

I’m not exactly sure why Hi and Lois decided to go with a featureless, inky black floor for their kitchen rather than a more traditional tile or linoleum pattern, but if they thought it wouldn’t show dirt or stains as vividly, they were clearly very much mistaken.

Mother Goose and Grimm, 5/7/14

Grimm is panhandling for money to see what appears to be a porno version of Spider-Man.

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Family Circus, 5/6/14

If there’s one thing we know about Billy Keane, it’s that he hates learning things. Attempts to get him up to the base knowledge of knowledge necessary for being a functioning member of society have inspired in him a range of emotions running form smoldering anger to haughty contempt. But today we see that resisting all forms of intellectual advancement is just straight-up exhausting. When will Billy get to stop fighting with the chance to learn something about the world outside himself? When will they just let him wallow in his own ignorance? How much more of this do you expect him to take?

Six Chix, 5/6/14

I’ve always thought it would be a good real estate strategy to check out houses where high-profile murders or other horrible things took place, since I’m not superstitious about that sort of thing but a lot of people are, and it seems like I could get a good deal, maybe. Like, for instance, a house where a couple of children were killed and eaten! That’s what happened here, right? Because the kids in the Hansel and Gretel story killed the witch, so this is clearly an alternate scenario, but there’s no way everyone survived. Those kids were stone-cold killers. It was eat or be eaten. What I’m saying is that from a real estate perspective, that’s a much bigger problem than just the lack of candy attached to the outside of the house. The candy was probably attracting rats anyway, let’s be honest.

Mark Trail, 5/6/14

i don’t mean to frighten you

than normal bears

PURE POETRY

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Rex Morgan, M.D., 5/5/14

After weeks of being mad that their babysitter was a terrible little whore, June has now, reluctantly, come around to the conclusion that the problem is really that her daughter is a blackmailing monster, and so she’s going to have a little talk with Kelly about the situation. Sarah’s creepy, unsmiling gaze, locked on Kelly in both panels, is pretty harrowing. “Remember, Kelly, snitches get stitches,” is what that look is very, very forcefully saying.

Judge Parker, 5/5/14

April is of course a well-trained intelligence agent and highly skilled killer, but it’s her long experience with her new in-laws that will help her out in this scenario. Remember, when trying to track down a member of the Spencer-Driver-Parker clan, just follow the trail of discarded cocktail glasses!

Spider-Man, 5/5/14

Say what you will about the ludicrous “Iron Jonah” plot that’s just now wrapping up, but it did feature a surprising amount of super-heroic action! Thank goodness that’s over so we can spend the next one to four weeks on more familiar ground, with some good old-fashioned feelings-processing.

Apartment 3-G, 5/5/14

“Keep it up, Tommie! You’ve isolated yourself from your friends and you’re working yourself to exhaustion for no pay at the command of this weird, controlling dude you barely know, and you’re still talking about that baby deer like it’s a person! You look great, in that sweater you’ve been wearing for three weeks straight! I’m an actual psychiatrist, by the way!”

Pluggers and Shoe, 5/5/14

THEY’RE BIRDS DAMN IT

BIRDS

BIRDS DON’T WEAR DENTURES AND THEY DON’T GO TO THE DENTIST AND THEY DON’T FLOSS BECAUSE THEY DON’T HAVE TEEEEETH

GOD DAMN IT