Post Content

Lockhorns, 1/7/14

For too long, the Lockhorns has offered us a fairly static view of the title characters’ squat, oblong bodies. Today represents a new artistic direction for this feature, akin to the first-person shooter genre that dominates the video game market. Why just stare at Leroy and Loretta making passive-aggressive remarks to each other or to their hapless acquaintances, when you can ride along on their shoulders and experience those whinges as if you were making them! Thrill as Loretta digs years back into the very earliest days of her marital disappointments and unloads her still shockingly raw pain on … some lady! Watch that lady’s face freeze into a carefully composed mask, to keep from bursting out laughing or bursting into tears! Can you live one panel a day as a Lockhorn and emerge with your sanity intact?

Mary Worth, 1/7/14

Ha ha, whoops, it seems that Mary has been so busy besotting Broadwayman Ken Kensington without any intention of reciprocating his feelings that she’s forgotten that she already has a handsome suitor whose feelings she has no intention of reciprocating! And now he’s back from Vietnam and wants to talk dirty. “What do you have on, Mary? Is every inch of you covered in loose-fitting dusty grape? Tell me everything.”

Crankshaft, 1/7/14

“It will cover our town with a toxic chemical layer that will induce convulsions in most any living thing it touches — pets, children, the elderly and infirm. Even the young and strong who escape its immediate effects will carry the terrible poison in their bodies, shaving years off their miserable lives. The question is, ladies, how serious are you about getting rid of weeds? Do you have the guts to follow this through to its logical conclusion? We must die so our perfect lawns might live!”

Apartment 3-G, 1/7/14

“Because if a woman’s sad, you know what she needs? A man! A man named Roy. Three cheers for men named Roy!”

Post Content

Slylock Fox, 1/6/13

I demand that you join me in loving everything about this hallucinatory anthropomorphic animal lunar exploration fever dream. What’s wrong with this moon scene? Is it the lack of space suits and the clouds and the moon rising in the moon’s own sky? Is it that Slylock is wearing a space-helmet of some sort, but Max’s head is exposed to lunar vacuum? Is it that Sly and Max both have hugely dilated pupils and big grins? Is it that they’re lying on the grimy floor of some opium den somewhere, enjoying this doped flight of fancy, rather than solving crimes like they’re supposed to be?

Rex Morgan, M.D., 1/6/13

“Most people don’t mind at all if their teenage babysitters make their earliest fumbling steps into sexual adulthood on their couches these days, June. In fact, some people practically encourage it! Don’t be such a prude! You don’t want to be known as the prude-mom, do you? Ugh, I can’t believe I married a prude.”

Post Content

Better Half, 1/5/14

Stanley thought that the ennui of a long medical stay would be leavened if he checked in to Vaudeville, Borscht Belt, and Dadjokes General Hospital. How wrong he was!

Gasoline Alley, 1/5/14

If the central conceit of your strip is that the characters age in real time, but also your strip has been running for 95 years and you refuse to kill anyone off, you will eventually get a visit from a nice man from the government convinced your characters are perpetrating Social Security fraud.

Six Chix, 1/5/14

The vet is there to provide the constant medical attention this nightmare legless dog-blob abomination needs to maintain its ghastly parody of life.

The lawyer is there to fend off lawsuits from everyone emotionally traumatized by seeing it.