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Judge Parker, 10/27/13

Look at April’s cool, carefully controlled expression in panel two. That’s the look of a woman used to the shadowy world of international espionage, where wheels spin within wheels and suspicion is a must. Unbelievable coincidence? You’d better believe April finds it unbelievable, because April doesn’t believe in coincidences. She’s not exactly sure what’s going on here yet, but rest assured that it will end with someone quietly and efficiently killed and their body thrown off the boat. Will it be Audrey? Her seasick husband? Judge Parker Senior himself? Why choose! Can’t be too careful!

Heathcliff, 10/27/13

The paw-on-wing high-fiving going on in the background of the final panel ought to chill you to your very core. We can’t assume that this bird-mouse cabal will dissolve now that the allies have overcome their common feline enemy. With a mastery of disguise and control of both land and air, they are capable of anything.

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Mark Trail, 10/26/13

Well! We’ve had exciting Mark Trail denouements before, but I’m pretty sure none of them are more exciting than a villain being driven over a cliff to his death by a wounded, suicidal elk. I guess the Mark Trail storytelling machine caught wind of the outpouring of recognition Mary Worth got when that strip sent a plotline’s antagonist over a cliff and lurched into action, coming up with its own death-plummet climax a mere seven years later.

The one you feel really bad for in this scenario is of course Anne Marie, who just saw her fiance die horribly. It’s worth pointing out that Anne Marie is also completely in the dark about her fiance’s evil nature, because women in Mark Trail are (a) not very observant and (b) not told unpleasant facts by men, because a lady shouldn’t worry her pretty little head about such matters. Maybe they still won’t tell her, to protect her! “I’m sorry, Anne Marie, but your fiance is in Man Heaven now. Probably you’ll find a new fiance soon, with your long, pretty hair! Welp, I’m off to Lost Forest.”

Mary Worth, 10/26/13

This week, we’ve heard the story of a teenage boy, homeless after being kicked out of his abusive home, who Shelly helped in her early years at the shelter. That teen hobo eventually grew up to be the upstanding suit-wearing doctor you see before you, thanks to Shelly’s help and guidance. In the shocking conclusion to the tale, we learn that Shelly and Dr. Smith are involved in a sexual relationship so electric that they can’t keep from pawing all over each other, right here in front of the guest that they barely notice anymore. Mary’s eyes are wide with voyeuristic lust in anticipation of the red-hot May-December chocolate-vanilla action she’s about to see.

Gil Thorp, 10/26/13

You may not care for sports, or Gil Thorp, or sports in Gil Thorp, but you really have to appreciate today’s strip, in which Gil and Kaz come up with a coaching plan and grin smugly at each other about it, and then that plan flops spectacularly over two confusingly drawn panels. I’m pretty sure Jimmy Jarbo is pounding himself in the head in frustration over his failure in panel two? Silly, Jimmy, you can’t hurt yourself that way, you’re wearing a helmet! You need to take it off and find a good barky stick.

Blondie, 10/26/13

Herb’s expression in the last panel really sells this strip to me. He’s trying, ever so gently, to steer his best friend away from the massive coronary that’s awaiting him, only to see all his work undone in an instant. “Yes,” says Dagwood, “I do want to eat all my favorite foods at once! Can you blend them up into a viscous slurry and then pour down my gullet through a funnel?”

Crock, 10/26/13

Once upon a time, there was a teenage chicken who was smart enough to learn how to drive a car, but then these guys killed it and ate it, the end.

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Guyyyys, let’s get all commenty of the weeky in here, shall we?

“I can only hope — to stop one of you! Oh, if only I had four arms with which to hold two guns! [looks down] Well, will you look at that. Looks like I have multiple appendages, just like a spi… No, a taran… Wait, a CONDOR! Yes!” –BrutusJ

And the very hilarious runners up!

“Why, in the post-apocalyptic animal world, are aerosol paints rarely sold? Is it an opposable-thumb/dexterity thing? Is that Count Weirdly’s reserve stock on the shelf? Or are they exclusively for spiders? Please kill me now.” –Dood

“I’m imagining a post-veep sitcom for Biden. In every episode he gets himself gradually deeper and deeper into some absurd predicament. At the end of the show, when the climax of craziness has been reached, all the other characters gather around him and yell, ‘Joe Biden, you dope!’ He grins and shakes his head in consternation. Roll credits.” –Peanut Gallery

“June is smiling because that thing on the end of her fork appears to be a peyote button.” –AhClem

“Speaking as someone who doesn’t get turned on by boobs, I have to say Judge Parker’s descent into revenge-fueled madness is the best thing to ever happen in this strip.” –Esther Blodgett

“I think when Bob Hope or Lou Costello leaks water after being shot, it’s funny because we appreciate the hydraulics the special effects people rigged up under their shirts. Drawing the same ‘effect’ into a cartoon is just plain … say, wasn’t this strip supposed to be retired already? [Note: this is the proper way to finish any discussion about Crock.]” –Dr. Mabuse

“I was a clever and evasive devil. Or, at least, I made a Faustian bargain with one! Now I shall be immortal, an unstoppable zombie which keeps on walking and speaking, even as I have become so filled with holes that I cannot possibly hold any water. Oh, wait, no, I’m just a Crock character — we’re all like this.” –The Ben

“The look on Loretta’s face indicates that she knows that this means Leroy didn’t flush.” –nescio

“Reminiscent of the filming of Citizen Kane, the artist had to jackhammer a hole in the floor to get this angle. Nice try, artist, but you’re not getting out of the strip that way.” –Kristian

“You think you have proven the existence of your God with your banana? FOOLS I HAVE PROVEN THE TRUE NATURE OF THE ALMIGHTY WITH THIS DELICIOUS FLESH!” –QuentonKaramazov

“I think Jeffy’s shirt is more of a Hester Prynne situation. It’s not that he’ll forget who he is … it’s that we can’t allow ourselves to forget; we can’t let him to walk among decent people without a mark of shame that brands him for what he is. And much like Hester Prynne, we refuse to acknowledge that we all bear the Sin of Jeffy; we all share the blame for his existence.” –Dan

“It’s handy that Tori carries around a pack of cigarettes at all times so that we don’t have to try to recall who she is or what her character is about. (She’s a bad girl!) I think they should try applying this to the major characters as well. Lu Ann could carry around a bag of hammers, Tommie could carry around a box of saltine crackers, and Margo a speargun.” –pugfuggly

“For erections lasting more than four hours please consult a veterinarian.” –Mr. Yezpitelok

“‘Pizza Night’ is actually the closest the human tongue can come to pronouncing the name of the eldritch horror whose jaundiced yellow eye stares down from its black cloud of nothing on its earthly spawn, Heathcliff.” –David

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