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Mary Worth, 9/6/13

THANK GOODNESS SHANNON ISN’T GOING TO BE FIRED!!! It seemed that the odds were stacked against her, with the only sliver of hope she had to hold onto being the fact that any threat to her job seemed existed only in her and Mary’s panicked imaginations. My guess is that Aggie only got all this sweet free stuff because Shannon went to beg desperately for her job and her boss, in between the heaving sobs, managed to discern that maybe one of the customers got bent out of shape about dumb crap, let’s waive their bill or something, ugh, get this crying lady out of here, fine, fine, you can keep your job, whatever, just go.

“They’ll most likely caution participants that sharing at open talks may lead to feedback!” is probably the most hilarious sentence you’ll read for the entire month of September, by the way.

Better Half, 9/6/13

The thing I like about this strip is that Stanley is wearing a shirt and tie, which means that it isn’t casual Friday at all, and he’s desperately improvising to excuse whatever horrifying biological noise he just unleashed on the poor client on the other end of the line. This seems much, much more like something you’d get fired for than for providing feedback to someone sharing at open talk.

Crankshaft, 9/6/13

Today’s strip will be Exhibit A in Mary’s multimillion dollar “conspiracy to create a hostile work environment” lawsuit against the school district.

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Rex Morgan, M.D., 9/5/13

Sorry I haven’t been keeping you up to date on the latest developments in the “everything comes too easy to Sarah Morgan and she’s wracked with ennui over it” plotline! Rather than questioning the circumstances of her existence (in which Morgans get everything they want with zero effort, just like the Spencers and Parkers and Drivers in the next universe over), she’s starting to question herself. Why is she different from other kids? Is it because of the way she was raised? Is it because of something inherent in her nature? Is she too different, too different from the other children? And since — let’s stop beating around the bush here — we’re using “different” to mean “better,” if she’s too different from her peers to function as one of them, isn’t she their natural leader? Shouldn’t she have an exalted social status — as a monarch, or a God? “Thanks, mom, this has been a good talk. Don’t worry, you’ll have a place of privilege in the coming Eternal Glorious Prosperous Sarah-Empire!”

Phantom, 9/5/13

I also haven’t been keeping you up to date on the action in the Phantom, which has involved, like, adventure and gunplay and punching and whatnot. Today we learn how tiring it can be taking on semi-competent criminal syndicates year after year. “Come on, guys, you need at least two people on guard duties at all time! Is this … is this just not going to be a challenge for me at all? Again?”

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Beetle Bailey, 9/4/13

I was going to say something snide here about how if you hear the phrase “3-D printing” on the news you can’t just panic and throw it into a comic at random, you have to do a few minutes of research about what 3-D printing actually is, but then I thought: what if Gizmo has one of those 3-D printers that can create living tissue and has decided to make another version of General Halftrack, piece by piece? If nothing else, this horrible 3-D-printed abomination of science will allow us to do some good nature vs. nurture studies about terrible, crippling alcoholism.

Mark Trail, 9/4/13

Now that Mark Trail’s gotten all the punching out of the way early, the strip is free to draw out the rest of this storyline as one long, dull anticlimax. “Thanks for the tip, Dusty … it turns out it was surveyors who had been damaging our fence! They had been leaning their equipment up against it. I explained to them why they shouldn’t do that, and they apologized and said they wouldn’t do it again. Anyway, good luck catching those poachers! I’m going to go get some pancakes.”

Apartment 3-G, 9/4/13

Oh my goodness, which character from Apartment 3-G will suddenly find themselves appointed the new Lieutenant Governor of New York? Probably Tommie, right? Lieutenant Governor is about the most boring political office America has to offer, Tommie’d be perfect.

B.C., 9/4/13

Wait, none of the ant-adults in B.C. have jobs? All the stories about their work ethic are just lies!