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Many of you (in USA America) are enjoying a four-day weekend courtesy of our Nation’s Founders, but I will continue to toil and bring you your comment of the week.

“Today’s Judge Parker looks like an acting exercise on how not to use your hands in scene work.” –sporknpork

And also: your hilarious runners up:

“Yes, a printer for all the copies of my screenplay that I will need to print out. Do you have an inkjet, I need something fast! Also, a fax machine! Gonna need to send AND receive a lot of faxes. Ah, it feels good to get out of retirement and back to work, it’s like I never left.” –Calvin’s Cardboard Box

“If you have some serious writing to do, trust me you do not need Wi-Fi.” –Uncle Lumpy

“pleasebedragpleasebedragpleasebedrag” –C. Sandy Cyst

“See, I think the most logical explanation is that Marylou’s shacked up with a robot but is too ashamed to admit it.” –Herr Komerad Kommissar Denny

“When Stanley says he put his credit card number in the wrong spot, he means he put it into every spot, right? Dude really loves his credit card number, it’s just so fun to type and to say.” –Danonymous

“Of all the psycho shit that has gone on in this barely coherent storyline so far, Dick Tracy has saved the biggest whack attack for last: the Moon Maiden is going to Wisconsin.” –The Rt. Venerable Pasdordan

“Since there’s no text on that screen, I can only assume that Mary thinks in promotional-website speak.” –bourbon babe, unbuckled

“This place really has combined spirituality and fitness. Note the man standing on the diving board in a crucifixion pose.” –Joe Blevins

“I assumed from the first panel that ‘The Mauler’ was a media name for a serial killer. ‘Your dad was the Mauler? The guy who killed all those nuns? Small world! How’s he doing these days? Run out of appeals, huh?'” –pugfuggly

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Gil Thorp, 7/5/13

Well, this is it: I am officially allowing myself to get excited about the Gil Thorp storyline, seeing as it’s going to be about the colorful history of professional wrestling! See, Oldguy McFisticuffs is Herk the Mauler, and is a former pro wrestler, as is his son, who apparently has some connection to Gil, so it’s WRESTLEMANIA until football starts! (Not literally.) (WrestleMania is registered trademark of World Wrestling Entertainment, Inc.) Can you believe we had (I think, I’m not going to bother going back to check because they were soooo boring) two summers in a row about golf when we could have had wacky tales of regional wrestling from back in the day? Pro wrestling is genuinely fascinating, a weird combination of athletics and improvisational theater with a complex vocabulary, and it did indeed emerge from regional scenes in the middle of the 20th century. Anyway, when Herk wasn’t being a heel in whatever the regional wrestling equivalent of the Valley Conference was, he was “Johnny Blaze” “out west” in a wrestling scene that did as little as possible to mask the sport’s homoerotic undertones.

Herb and Jamaal, 7/5/13

You know, if I were going to do a joke about someone who always speaks her mind and has a hard time holding her tongue, I probably wouldn’t have her deliver the punchline in thought balloon form. But Herb and Jamaal chose a different path.

Mark Trail, 7/5/13

Rusty and the Otters: A play in one act

RUSTY: Don’t wander off, adorable otters!

ADORABLE OTTERS: [Immediately wander off]

FIN

Apartment 3-G, 7/5/13

You know, if I were going to do a plotline about one of my soap opera strip characters trying on a bunch of fancy clothes, I probably would actually depict her wearing some of the fancy clothes instead showing her in between bouts of fancy-clothes-trying-on, wearing the same boring clothes she always wears. But Apartment 3-G chose a different path.

Mary Worth, 7/5/13

Oh, man, Toby does not want to go on this vacation with Mary, you guys.

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Family Circus, 7/4/13

Happy Birthday, America! Here is one of your most beloved comics characters with a terrible gift: the knowledge that Romantic-era views of national patriotism are fundamentally incompatible with advanced 21st century capitalism. Your sacred flag is just another corporate brand to today’s media-raised children!

Mary Worth, 7/4/13

Oops, sorry, that got a little dark. Let’s focus on your real birthday present: Mary Worth is going on vacation, to some lovely Tucson spa resort! I am so excited for her adventures that I can’t even stand it. What fitness and spirituality class will she take — Zen aerobics or shamanistic spinning? Will she enjoy a pool party besides a non-Charterstone pool? Will Dr. Jeff expect to come with her, and then be gently rebuffed, and then sulk passive-aggressively? Will there be a person or persons at this resort who will have a problem that can be solved by application of Mary’s sensible advice? Will Mary be bitten by a rattlesnake while she hikes through the Sonoran desert? Will that rattlesnake wither and die?

Spider-Man, 7/4/13

Aww, isn’t that sweet! Peter Parker overheard this little brat demanding a private jet, just like his heroes the Avengers, so he decided to change into his spider-duds to show that some superheroes are losers who have to fly coach just like him! Remember the last time he did something to coax a kid into doing something that normal people do all the time? Remember how that worked out for him? Not that I think this is part of a nefarious villain’s scheme or anything, but I am looking forward to the part where Spidey actually gets to the front of the security line, which I imagine will go something like this:

TSA AGENT: Spider-Man! Wow! Are you … are you going on this plane? I … do you have, uh, a ticket, or some ID?

SPIDER-MAN: [Looks down at ticket and ID, both of which have “PETER PARKER” printed on them prominently]

SPIDER-MAN: [Runs away in a panic]

Marvin, 7/4/13

So Marvin has been doing this thing this week where Marvin and a bunch of other babies are at some kind of sleepaway camp for babies, and I’ve been trying not to let my soul-searing hatred for Marvin draw me into a boring, pedantic “This isn’t realistic” riff, seeing as how it also isn’t realistic for a baby to think in complete sentences or shit his pants for explicitly spiteful reasons. Still, it’s hard to ignore today’s punchline. Taking toddlers hiking is a bad idea, what with their inability to walk more than a few steps without falling down, talk, pay sustained attention to anything, or follow complex directions. Probably instead of thought-ballooning stereotypical hike complaints, Marvin and his fellow toddlers should all be on the ground, crawling in random directions, and crying.

Apartment 3-G, 7/4/13

Oh hey this “The Governor of New York is having someone give Lu Ann a makeover” plot is still happening, apparently! As usual, Lu Ann’s panicked semi-comprehending reactions to things are priceless. I’m assuming in the final panel she’s worried that the governor will end up with naughty pictures of her in a state of undress and this will be a political scandal somehow, but I’m hoping that she thinks the he just ordered her very soul to be digitized and sent over the airwaves via sinister telephone magic.