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Rex Morgan, M.D., 3/28/13

Rex and June may have forever left the land of magical stripper fights behind them, but there’s still the embryonic Morgan-spawn gestating in her womb, which I guess will be the fulcrum of however many Rex Morgan plots make up seven or eight months of strip time. Today’s fun: did you know that ladies who are pregnant crave certain foods, like waffles, even when, as we learned yesterday, the only waffle mix in the house expired more than a year ago? June is completely mesmerized by this ancient box of not-quite-shelf-stable-enough powdered breakfast, which should have hilarious results as she attends this afternoon’s lecture. (“Picking up on these subtle indicators could help medical professionals intervene in a domestic violence situation before it becomes deadly, and … yes, Nurse Morgan? Do you have a question?” [CUT TO: JUNE SITTING IN BACK ROW, HER FACE COVERED IN RANCID WAFFLE MIX, EYES WILD LIKE THE COCAINE-CRAZED TONY MONTONA IN SCARFACE])

Funky Winkerbean, 3/28/13

Ever since Funky Winkerbean began its Turn To Serious Art And By Serious Art We Mean Disease And Addiction And Death, it’s often featured multi-day or even multi-week story arcs. This week, though, the strip has returned to its gag-a-day, high-school-antics roots. For instance, today’s strip, in which Les is a smug dick to his entire class for no reason, has no larger narrative context, but is just sort of a discrete lump of unpleasantness.

Dennis the Menace and Family Circus, 3/28/13

Wow, Dennis, you got outmenaced by Jeffy. I think you need to take a long, hard look at yourself.

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Oh, look, if it’s that banner image, then yes, I’m plugging the opportunity to see me live and in person!

• I’ll be reading from my novel-in-progress at Shattered Wig Night, this Friday, March 29! I’m opening for Michael Kimball reading from his postcard life stories project, and there will also be music! At the legendary 14 Karat Cabaret at 218 W. Saratoga St. in downtown Baltimore. Cover is $5 (cash only please); doors open at 9 p.m. (Here’s more about the novel, which I Kickstarted into embryonic existence last summer, if this is the first you’re hearing about it.)
• You perhaps remember my earlier threat to appear as a monologist for an improv performance? Well, that got cancelled because of a snowstorm (a snowstorm that ended up not happening, don’t even get me STARTED), and now it’s been rescheduled. I’ll be appearing at Magoobys with the Baltimore Improv Group, along with a group from Pennsylvania called the Oxymorons. Magooby’s is at 9603 Deereco Rd. in Timonium. Cover is $5 and there is a two-item minimum (“item” here meaning food, drinks, etc.); doors open at 7 p.m. and the show starts at 8 p.m.

It always warms my heart when Comics Curmudgeon readers come talk to me at live events. I’d love to see you there!

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Better Half, 3/27/13

Seeing “FOOD COURT” in big letters like this gave me a brainstorm for a hit new reality show, Food Court, in which an ersatz jurist in a black robe would preside over faux trials in which, say, snacks that claim to be “healthy” would be cross-examined by medical experts who would prove that their sodium levels were off the charts and nutritive value was essentially nil. But then I saw the guy in the background in the vaguely Renaissance outfit, and I imagined Food Court, a historical comedy-drama in which a 15th century Italian prince rules over a Italian statelet and spends his time mediating the sometimes violent battles between rival restauranteurs. These ruminations were fairly inane, admittedly, but surely no worse than whatever Stanley is babbling about. Harriet is right to ignore him and look at whatever fun thing is on her phone instead.

Apartment 3-G, 3/27/13

Haha, I love how quickly Margo has gone from caffeinated semi-enthusiasm to heavy-lidded ennui. “So, this is about money? You want me to write you a check? If I get my checkbook out, that will shut you up about whatever do-gooder nonsense you’re on about, and I get to eat breakfast in peace?”

Judge Parker, 3/27/13

“We’ll both have the salmon with a caesar salad, Rudy … I’m buying, which means I get to make all the decisions! I’ll thank you not to address Mr. Driver by name or look directly at him for the duration of this meal. All lunch-related queries go through me, the paymaster.”

Archie, 3/27/13

Wait, but wouldn’t Archie’s dad have noticed the hamsters squeaking and moving around if they were alivAAAUUGH DON’T THINK ABOUT IT DON’T THINK ABOUT IT