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Lockhorns, 6/16/12

Congrats to Leroy on finding the most absolutely generic packages in the store! Let’s see, I’ll guess that the chips are in the bag, the peanuts are in the little flat box, the pretzels are in the long skinny box, and the beer is in the larger of the two cans? Because Leroy only bought one can of beer, maybe? Anyway, Loretta, don’t be so quick to judge, as we haven’t figured out what’s in the little can yet — it might be a single serving of milk.

Shoe, 6/16/12

I’m on the record as saying that Buzz, Shoe’s angry, confused elderly bird-man, is my favorite character in this strip, which is why I resent the fact that all the other bird-people have apparently abandoned him to just blather his nonsense in isolation. Couldn’t Roz at least put forth the effort of standing there nodding sullenly at his insane ramblings? He’s her most faithful, lowest tipping customer!

UPDATE: Apparently Biz’s name is actually Biz, rather than Buzz? I leave this up as is, as a mark of my shame at being unable to indentify cartoon birds!

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Hello, everyone! I must apologize for the brevity of this week’s COTW; I’m actually traveling this week and the next, which means you should be marveling at my ability to keep up the pace of posts! Unfortunately, I haven’t kept up with the comments as I should have; still, I offer to you this gem that I spotted that was undeniably hilarious:

“Tomorrow’s headline will read, ‘SPIDER-MAN SAVES DAY / Day Was in No Jeopardy Whatsoever.'” –Steve

And these runners up, which are also extremely funny:

“As a woman of a certain age, I applaud Gil Thorp for consistently making athletic young people look like eyeball-searing trolls. Hahaha, ugly GT young people! I feel pretty!” –Poteet

“I think Ziggy is trying to convey the essence of 1960’s casualness and cool in that ‘pad’ used to mean ‘hang-out’, or ‘residence’ as a square might say. We also know it’s a ’60’s reference since talking mice are only brought to us either by Disney or hallucinogens.” –Uncle Ritzy Fritz

“Now why don’t you cancel that leave of absence and let your grown daughter go to Italy by herself so she can sort her own shit out? See what I mean, Wilbur? That just came out, unbidden, and felt so right! I don’t think I can get that kind of spontaneous satisfaction from some contrived clockwork bullshit Ask Wendy column.” –Brook Esia

“So now Mark Trail is going to the cops with a soaking wet gum wrapper from his pocket.” –Hogenmogen

“The best part of today’s Ziggy is the fact the guy isn’t even a DNA scientist. He’s just revolted by Ziggy’s family history to the point of supporting eugenics.” –sporknpork

Thanks to all who put some cash into my tip jar! And this is where we’d thank our advertisers — if we had any this week. To find out more about how you could be thanked in this spot, and more about sponsoring this site’s RSS feed, click here.

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Mary Worth, 6/15/12

Well, it looks like I need to stop making assumptions about people! I have always taken it for granted that Wilbur’s advice column was called “Ask Wendy” because there was in fact a “Wendy” persona — a smiling, attractive, late-middle-aged female avatar who served as the public face for the column. Moreover, I assumed that the few dozen elderly shut-ins who made up the column’s core audience would be made profoundly uncomfortable knowing that “Wendy” was really a man with a wispy combover who tucks his too-tight polo shirts into his jeans, and so Wilbur toiled on his column behind the scenes, getting no recognition for a job mediocrely done except for the huge paychecks that everyone in print media gets. But apparently Wilbur is well known to all as the brains behind Wendy, which is why another platituder can’t just be plugged in seamlessly while he jets off to Italy. Except that also means that the new fill-in Wendy will also be visible to readers at home, which means that maybe they’ll like her better, especially if Wilbur’s bold italicized JUST FOR THE SUMMER (…the summer … the summer …) is as foreshadowy as it looks. At least Wilbur has made one vaguely smart business decision: he hasn’t mentioned actually paying Mary anything yet.

(By the way, if you haven’t read this 100% amazing interview with Mary Worth writer Karen Moy about Dawn Weston yet, you really, really need to do so right now.)

Gil Thorp, 6/15/12

Sorry everybody, I just can’t get into this Gil Thorp teen pregnancy storyline, even now that it’s escalated to a mass team walk-off in support of their persecuted teen mom pitcher. I do want to point out that even the narration box has gotten bored and is now experimenting with sassiness. (“Um, not exactly…” is fairly low-level sass, but cut it some slack, it’s just a simple narration box.)

Judge Parker, 6/15/12

“Doesn’t the weather understand that rich people are planning on enjoying themselves outdoors? I’ll have my assistant call God at once and get this all worked out!”