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Family Circus, 11/13/11

Man, the disgusted look on Big Daddy Keane’s face as he realizes that his daughter views sacred communion with God as just another sordid amusement is pretty priceless. One hopes that he remains so focused on her that he doesn’t notice Billy making a wholly inept attempt to summon up the Prince of Darkness by reading the hymnal upside down.

Crankshaft, 11/13/11

Crankshaft may be old and senile and kind of deaf, and they might have finally gotten some kind of legal mumbo-jumbo that says he isn’t allowed to have all his guns anymore, but he fought the Nazis to save America and by God he isn’t going to let that God-damned Khrushchev and his commies take over his lawn.

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Slylock Fox, 11/12/11

I agree wholly with the lady in this cartoon: when confronted with something that tears a hole in your conception of reality, something whose very existence makes it clear that either the universe is profoundly different from what you’ve been led to believe or that you’ve descended into howling madness and will probably never get out — something like, say, a grinning, tongue-wagging, seven-foot-tall bipedal bear-dog thing sitting on your couch — I would almost certainly ignore it and hope very much that it went away. Yep, just hangin’ out right here on the sofa, next to the fur-covered demon-nightmare, which isn’t really there, you’re just reading the paper and drinking your coffee, and sitting way over here on the end of the couch, by choice, certainly not because some horror-beast is sitting there with you, because it isn’t. When it jostles you in the back, even gently, that’s when this strategy fails. That’s when you have to turn it around and look it in the eyes. Those huge, happy, soulless eyes. God have mercy on your soul.

Blondie, 11/12/11

As far as most readers are concerned, Dagwood’s life is impossibly charmed: the doting and gorgeous wife, the low-impact 9 to 5 job that allows him to nap most of the day in exchange for a little mild physical abuse, the ability to eat as much unhealthy food as he wants without ever seeming to gain a pound. It’s only occasionally that we get glimpses of the fact that he has larger dreams, and that he’s too scared to chase after them, and that his own cowardice is slowly killing him inside.

Apartment 3-G, 11/12/11

I’m sorry, modest in every way? Look at all that damn clavicle! What the hell kind of half-assed oppressive chastity cult is this?

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Your COTW, without further ado!

“Is Ruby trying to kill Lu Ann with her mind? Does she not realize that it only works on folks with working brains?” –Spotts1701

And the runners up! Also very funny!

“That Mary Worth panel is fantastic out of context. ‘You’d better call the police! Because I’m high as a goddamn kite and I think I need to crush your eyeball with my thumb now.'” –Roto13

“If Reeky were packing heat, this would change the balance of power in the Slylockverse completely. What can Slylock do against an armed rat? Reprimand him to death? As it is, the only one with a weapon in that panel is Max, which should make him the more likely suspect. ‘Hand over the purse, lady, or I’ll butter knife you.’ I’m not saying it’s a winning scheme.” –stinkfoot

“Correction: Reeky Rat is the ALLEGED perpetrator of an ALMOST-robbery. He is likely the same guy who tipped Slylock off in the first place, and is now just having some fun prank calling and watching Sly. ‘There will be an attempted robbery at 5:00 at The Restaurant.’ ‘No, wait, there’s a robbery at The Other Restaurant.’ ‘Hey, Sly! At the park, there’s an anthropomorphic animal who stole an ice cream cone and is blaming a different anthropomorphic being! Come at once!’ ‘Back at The Restaurant, we have a report of a bowler-wearing yellow mouse holding his eating utensils in a most ungentlemanly manner!’ Meanwhile, Count Weirdly and Cassandra Cat are drilling into the safe at Megopolis Bank.” –hogenmogen

“Doesn’t it bother you that she’s trying to buy this boy? I mean, there’s no need to flash money about to get a handsome, well-toned young man to notice you. All you have to do is strike a nonchalant pose while munching a vaguely phallic food item in a seductive manner. They’ll come flocking to you, in their tight little Abercrombie T-shirts and snug-fitting jeans! How do I know? Uh … well … just a guess, really.” –Perky Bird

“Worst wedding dress montage scene ever! I even tried reading it while playing the Sex and The City theme music, still no good.” –Chareth Cutestory

“Yup, Derek knows a good thing when he sees it. And by ‘thing’, I mean my daughter. Also, when I say ‘it’, I still mean my daughter. My daughter is an object, is what I’m getting at here.” –bunivasal

“‘Sophie and Derek make a cute BOOBS don’t they?’ ‘Sophie says he’s BOOBS too!’ ‘You BOOBS he is!’ I have no freaking idea what the current plot in Judge Parker is.” –Bud

“You know, when you make a remark so disagreeably smug that it offends the sensibilities of Abbey Spencer, you’ve really accomplished something.” –jvwalt

“I don’t want to knock Canada, because I love the country, but I can’t even get any of my friends here in New England to go to Montréal; there is no way any of them are going to Northern Ontario to gawk at some valley where Lyndon Johnson is living in drag.” –twg

“I like how pointless it is to have anything bad ever happen to Mary Worth. She is always prepared, always knows just what to do, never needs some meddling biddy to spout platitudes at her in reassurance … all she needs is a slow-witted blond sidekick so she can tell us how wise and prepared she is without resorting to speaking out loud to herself.” –Reepicheep-chan

“Yep, Lu Ann, gotta be as tasteful as possible for Bishop Uncle-Dad.” –Lily Sincere

“As everyone in town knows Mary never gives anything but advice and the occasional ‘I told you so’ card, how did the thieves pull it off? Obviously Mary has pissed off a store clerk somewhere. I’m guessing it’s someone she drunk-dialed on 9/11.” –Spiff Bereft

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