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WON’T YOU?

“That Archie is such a ‘card’! I want to ‘club’ him, have him ‘spade’, then pull out his still-beating ‘heart’ and show it to him.” –Ed Dravecky

And enjoy your extremely funny runners up!

“So when Lois suggested they eat away from the TV, Hi said, ‘You’ll have to pry this remote from my cold dead hand.’ One butcher knife later, the hand is cold and dead, but still clutching the remote in the living room, while Hi sits in stunned silence at the dinner table, glassy-eyed from acute blood loss.” –Nekrotzar

“Lacking wood or oil to warm their house, Snuffy and Loweezy warm themselves with a vigorous and cheerful rendition of the Macarena.” –Perky Bird

“It’s like the Godfather, if being literate had been Fredo’s betrayal.” –Doctor Handsome

“Are we sure those lines aren’t Mary’s spider-sense tingling? And by ‘spider-sense tingling,’ I mean, ‘Look out! Here come more inane, mind-numbing dialogue rather than any remotely resembling action.'” –R in CT

“Man, Flutesnoot is straight up original gangster. If I had to guess which Riverdale High teacher was cooking meth in a garage, I’d — well, I’d guess all of them. But if I had to guess which one breaks junkies’ legs when they don’t pay up? Flutesnoot.” –bunivasal

“‘Where’d all these cats come from?’ ‘Well, as near as historians can tell, they were first domesticated in Egypt in … AAAAAGGGHHHH!!!!!'” –Pozzo

“You’re six months pregnant with your first baby — at this point in your life everything is meaningful! You should try talking about your baby in every damn sentence at every damn opportunity. It isn’t tedious at all.” –Chareth Cutestory

I must thanks to all who put some cash into my tip jar! And we must give thanks to our advertisers:

• Meg Rosoff: There Is No Dog: What if God were a teenaged boy. “Rosoff’s writing and sense of humor are a force of nature.” -PW “Irreverent and funny…earns its place among the sharpest-witted tours de force of recent memory.” -KIRKUS

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Curtis, 3/2/12

Wow, so this is the moment when Gunk’s Flyspeck Island powers go from irritating to terrifying. “Have you ever seen dozens of feral cats devour a human being before, Curtis? They aren’t fast and mindless like piraña. The whole process is quite messy, but, ultimately, very thorough. We needn’t stick around for the entire thing.”

Apartment 3-G, 3/2/12

God damn it, Nina, you’ve made it quite clear to anyone who would listen that you don’t really care that much about having a baby, so when are you going to start caring about having a baby? Look at the way you’re dressed! Is that collar supposed to be ironic? Your baby won’t appreciate your hipster New York affectations when s/he’s an adult and looking at pictures of you when you’re pregnant! You’re dressing for two, now, so get used to us not caring about your opinions!

Gil Thorp, 3/2/12

Oh, thank God, Gil’s latest dumb moral crusade has finally hit the point where he gets to make a principled moral stand that achieves nothing other than irritating everybody and screwing up a potential championship. This is pretty much what he lives for, so presumably we’ve just hit the season’s climax. Personally, I’m more interested in those sheets of loose-leaf paper that seem to be giving Marty Moon his half-assed inside scoop. I’m guessing they’re what Marty gets when he demands “a printout of some of those internet blogs with the rumors” from whatever poor journalism student at the local community college drew the short straw and has to serve as his intern this semester.

Wizard of Id, 3/2/12

Ha ha, the drunken court jester used to have a dog that he loved, but now it’s dead! It’s his heartbreaking sigh in the first panel that really sells the hilarity here.

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Mary Worth, 3/1/12

OK, Mary, I’m starting to get just a little bit tired of you repeatedly emitting lines of gobsmacked shock every time Nola informs you of her latest act of moral depravity. She lies, she cheats, she adulters! She always gets what she wants and she lets nothing get in her way! I think the reason Mary is so drawn to Nola is because she needs the jolt of adrenaline she gets every time the woman confesses another sin. Everyone else in Mary’s life is so terrified of her that they only think happy thoughts in her presence; when Nola smiles and describes her amoral adventures, Mary is relieved to discover that she can in fact still feel.

Archie, 3/1/12

Ha ha, Professor Flutesnoot’s heavy-lidded expression in panel two is terrifying. “Look, kid, they’ve tied my salary to the results of the No Child Left Behind test results, so if the Department of Education decides you need to know about Henry VIII, you’re going to learn about Henry VIII, capisce? Remember, your scores can’t bring down my average if you turn up dead in a dumpster the morning of the test, so how about you shut your yap and start memorizing the names of Henry’s various wives and coming up with a coherent four-sentence explanation of what the ‘Dissolution of the Monasteries’ was.”

I was going to question the subject matter here because I’m pretty sure that Professor Flutesnoot actually teaches chemistry, but in a world where a teenager comes into school wearing a shirt adorned by two awkwardly placed playing cards, we can’t really expect anything to make sense.