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Slylock Fox, 4/15/13

I’m sorry, Slylock, but your ratiocination has failed you today! Your logic has neglected to take into account the polysemous nature of the word “plant.” Shady Shrew wasn’t claiming to have grown silk on some fantastical tree or bush! No, he was using “plant” in the sense of a factory, and was referring to a vast, Dickensian structure in the gritty industrial port of Marseilles, where sentient silkworms are enslaved to help make the cheap shirts that retailers like Shady Shrew sell to sentient birds and beavers. Enjoy your nice blouses, ladies, you’ve got silkworm blood on your hands. [NOTE TO SELF: CHECK WIKIPEDIA BEFORE PUBLISHING THIS TO SEE IF SILKWORMS HAVE BLOOD]

Dennis the Menace, 4/15/13

Oh come on, Mr. Wilson, we all know the IRS doesn’t allow you to claim fractional dependents! Really, if you’re going to try to lay the groundwork for an insanity defense at your trial for Dennis’s gory dismemberment, you’re going to have to do better than that.

Book-o-tainment note: I have been on a Leave of Absence from Wonkette due to my need to finish writing my novel, but Wonkette writer (and Comics Curmudgeon reader) Dok Zoom has a review of the new Al Capp biography over there that might be of interest to you!

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Panels from Mary Worth, 4/14/13

Charles Lamb may have been called “the most lovable figure in English literature” by his principal biographer, but his out-of-context quote frankly terrifies me. “You say that he’s too good-looking, but … I advise you to look deeper! Why not get past the surface to see what sort of personal reality you can create, deep within his body, after you burrow into his chest cavity to nest, while terrified onlookers beg you to stop!”

Panel from Blondie, 4/14/13

“Hello, fellow human! Are you ready to knock some pins down at the bowling alley?! Possibly while consuming alcohol and becoming pleasantly intoxicated? I’m definitely a human, and not an alien being wearing a very clever disguise and perfectly mimicking your human language, ha ha!”

Panel from Slylock Fox, 4/14/13

Fortunately, before Slylock had to figure out another dumb little game to distract Max, a mighty owl swooped down and grabbed his rodent companion in its talons, carrying him off to be devoured. Max’s terrified screaming soon faded, and Sly was finally able get a good night’s sleep.

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Herb and Jamaal, 4/13/13

The only thing Herb and Jamaal loves more than eschewing concrete nouns is rerunning the exact same joke every few years, so you’d think the last thing it would do would be to make a joke about a very specific television program that aired only a couple of weeks before the strip was published. I guess a mildly accurate recounting of the Bible from the same cable channel that brought you Ancient Aliens generates enough excitement to break longstanding strip traditions! Anyway, obviously Hip Young Reverend Whose Name I Forget is referring to the actual Bible in the punchline, but wouldn’t it be a bazillion times funnier if he were talking about this, which is a real thing that exists?

Apartment 3-G, 4/13/13

Oh, man, New York’s hot, devil-may-care governor is so intensely interested in having sex with Lu Ann Lu Ann’s art-classes-for-veterans’-kids charity that he isn’t even bothering to talk to anyone else at this party. This quickly establishes his personality (i.e., we now know he has sent a non-negligible number of pictures of his penis to lady constituents via various electronic communications platforms) and also saves the strip artist from the terrifying prospect of drawing a crowd scene.