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Beetle Bailey, 11/4/11

General Halftrack’s mind long ago turned to mush, with garden-variety senile dementia being speeded along by copious amounts of liquor. Still, he has moments of awful lucidity, as in today’s panel one, when he realizes that one of his soldiers is generally accompanied by an anthropomorphic dog. “Seriously, why does he walk on his hind legs? And wear a uniform? Is he actually in the Army? What sort of insane world have I been living in all these years?” Then, mercifully, the veil of madness quickly falls over his existence again. “What if I walked on all fours, like a dog? Ha ha, funny!”

Gasoline Alley, 11/4/11

Oh, look, Slim’s cousin, a character whose major distinguishing characteristic is that he tells appallingly bad jokes nonstop, is back, gracing us with a bad joke every day, forever! I have hopes that Clovia’s “!” is short for “Wait, I just reaized, I don’t just have to sit here and listen quietly to these bad jokes! I could, for instance, ask this gentleman to leave! Or I could murder him.”

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Mark Trail, 11/3/11

As if we needed more evidence, today we see who’s really in charge here in McQueen Valley. Supposed lawman Mountie McQueen gets all twitchy and gun-happy at the slightest hint of trouble. Mother McQueen, however, just casually and subtly lets everyone know who’s in charge and who could be savagely ripped to shreds by a bear at any moment. “Yes, I rescued this beast as a cub from a pack of bloodthirsty predators, and now it is devoted to me, and only me. Does his presence make you … uncomfortable? Here, let me tie this flimsy muzzle around his snout. I can take it off just as easily as I put it on! And of course his claws remain at the ready. Now, was one of you saying something about leaving this valley or attempting to contact the outside world?”

Crankshaft, 11/3/11

It used to be that you could say, “Crankshaft may be a miserable, hateful human being who will soon die alone and unloved, as he deserves, and occasionally we’re forced to contemplate the ugly and pathetic libidinous impulses that lurk below his crusty, misanthropic surface, but at least we’re never forced to contemplate the volume and texture of his bowel movements.” Used to be.

Funky Winkerbean, 11/3/11

Meanwhile, a couple of depressives playing video games in a comic book store are trying to compare themselves to badasses who practiced dark magic.

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Mary Worth, 11/2/11

OMG MARY JUST GO PICK-POCKETED RIGHT THERE IN HER ELEGANT LUNCHING ESTABLISHMENT!! Look at these thugs, with their futuristic whited-out glasses and leather vests and knitted belts and man-necklaces! We all know what that ensemble means: Filthy thieving hippies. Brazen ones too: it looks like after they purloined Mary’s wallet, they walked right around Mary and Toby’s table rather than scurrying off in the other direction, to get the kicks that hard drugs no longer provide.

Sadly, this probably means that there will be no pool party for us, as Mary will be far too busy filing police reports and canceling her credit cards to engage in any such frivolity.

Apartment 3-G, 11/2/11

Every once in a while you realize that the only reason that Lu Ann and Margo have managed to survive this long as roommates is because they function on such entirely different levels that they don’t actually understand what they’re saying to each other. For instance, Margo uses the phrase “bridge-and-tunnel man” to refer to a guy into a certain sexual act so perverse that even she finds it mildly distasteful.

B.C., 11/2/11

Say what you will about Apartment 3-G’s weirdly New Jersey-focused romance plot, but it has yet to indulge in a single Jersey Shore gag.

Crankshaft, 11/2/11

It used to be that you could say, “Crankshaft may be a miserable, hateful human being who will soon die alone and unloved, as he deserves, but at least we’re never forced to contemplate what sort of ugly and pathetic libidinous impulses lurk below his crusty, misanthropic surface.” Used to be.