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Uh oh, COTWs are here on Friday … which as you might guess means that I’m about to leave on vacation. The inimitable Uncle Lumpy will be in charge until the 27th. Until then, enjoy this fine COTW, won’t you?

“You know what would make this Shoe great? Context. Imagine if ‘My dog never comes comes when I call’ had been the first and only thing the anonymous bird lady had said after 10 agonizing minutes of uncomfortable silence. Imagine further that Shoe’s witty retort is followed by 10 more minutes of silence. Shoe is a (potentially) great comic. It just needs waaaaayyyy more panels.” –Joe Blevins

And these fine runners up!

“Of course the doctor is confident! Their love is ordained by Mary Worth! When Mary commands loving, it happens.” –AndyL

“I like how Dr. Mike is still writing his case notes while ‘listening’ to Jenna. ‘Patient X seems to be exhibiting signs of delusions of dead vigilante dad, lunch with Jenna.'” –Bill Murray

“Just how do you fight a circle saw? Unplug it?” –Dood

“Jeff Karoub would fight a circular saw for you. Too bad the other area coaches show no imagination at all, and will probably resort to the same outworn trope of the ‘300-pound defensive lineman.'” –boojum

“If only we could hear the great hip sound of Modern English’s ‘I Melt with You’ emanating from those wicked speakers as Gil initiates his chin’s nightly dissolve into Mimi’s eyebrows. One of these mornings, they’re not going to reconstitute correctly, and then we’ll see what Marty Moon has to say about that.” –Bret

“Not many people know that ‘Mary Worth’ is a title as well, although it differs a bit in that the Phantom is a hereditary title, whereas Mary Worth is more of a golden bough thing, where a new Mary slays the old Mary and wears her skin.” –Wally Wyrd

“I can’t draw one more strip with Ziggy staring out at us from the blank nothingness! There’s got to be more in life!! I’ll … draw a background character. Ooh, and I’ll give him a little hat! Okay, I feel better.” –Maggie

“I’d like to know what sort of restaurants the Mary Worth writers and artists frequent to serve as their inspiration for ‘Menu’, partly because it’d be fun to witness such ridiculous decor and insane diner interaction firsthand, but mostly because I want to know where I can get a giant basket of McDonald’s hash browns past 10:30am.” –Cooler King

“Jenna should explain to Mike that comestibles enter the stomach by being eaten and swallowed, not by being forced through the abdominal wall.” –Nekrotzar

“If you follow Jenna’s line of sight, she’s gazing with the adoration of the newly in love at the basket of taupe oblong food-things. Tomorrow, she’ll raise her trembling, soft, delicate hand and run a finger-colored nail along the various crags and ridges, murmuring, ‘I’ve waited so long….. You’re so beige, so very crusty…. Crumble in my mouth, my precious….'” –bourbon babe, unbuckled

See you in a week or so! Be kind to your favorite uncle!

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Mark Trail, 9/17/10

We’ve learned from Apartment 3-G that the world of soap opera strips is sometimes haunted by mysterious, ghostly blue figures. These shades can watch and murmur inaudibly, but never speak or interact with our heroes. Today’s Mark Trail, though, contains the first ever sighting of mysterious blue bottles. Is this why our evil cage-hunter is so bitter and angry? He drinks the ghost-booze, constantly, and yet he never gets a buzz, because this beverage primarily exists in the spirit realm.

Beetle Bailey, 9/16/10

Ha ha, yes, the lady in the GPS computer, she tells you to order a pizza even when you have a pizza already in your lap! Beetle Bailey’s Sarge: portrait of a paranoid schizophrenic compulsive eater.

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Mary Worth, 9/16/10

You know, in between all the drive-bys and the vigilantism and the reconciliation and the dropping dead, I think we lost sight of something important about this storyline: it was originally about two people who were afraid to love, not just one. We’ve stayed with Dr. Mike through every excruciating moment of his Journey to Wholeness, so we can truly appreciate the love-capable orange-suited human sitting before us. But Jenna’s thought balloon makes her problem seem much shallower. Mike had to watch his father die before the icy crust around his heart finally melted; Jenna, meanwhile, was just waiting for the right guy in a hideous outfit to buy her a basket of taupe oblong food-things.

On the other hand, I’m not sure if I can handle a six-to-eight-week emotional archaeological expedition through the ruins of Jenna’s past, so maybe we should let her think dreamily about how she finally snagged the piece of arm candy that best matches her furniture and move on.

Archie, 9/16/10

Hey, check it out! Svenson the janitor has just gotten hip and grown a goatee. Welcome to the brotherhood, sir! Don’t let anyone tell you that this facial hair configuration went out of style in 1998. It’s a timeless look!

Apartment 3-G, 9/16/10

Oh, God, New Tommie’s had more than just a little styling done to her hair; it looks like there’s been some unlicensed rhinoplasty work done as well. Check out that last panel: her nose looks to be rapidly caving into her face, Michael Jackson-style. Either that or the “myself” she likes again is her true identity, Lord Voldemort.