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Mark Trail, 8/3/10

Well, this is a disappointment: Mark successfully rescued Sassy from her mustachioed kidnapper without even bothering to clench his fists. Now Sassy is safe and Rusty is happy and Sally and her stray dogs have a new home, but we didn’t get any pleasing cathartic violence to mark the transition to the next story. In fact, when it comes right down to it, our bad guy got off remarkably easy: sure, he didn’t get that big reward he was angling for, but he also didn’t get a fist to the face, and his original goal — to get rid of the old lady next door and her smelly collection of dogs — has actually been achieved!

The real question is: will Sally really be happy out on the farm? Sure, there’s lots of room for her pups to run and play, but it’ll be harder for her to haunt alleyways and compulsively find stray animals to hoard. Plus, once she’s out in the sticks, she can forget about getting Indian food delivered.

Beetle Bailey, 8/3/10

Considering how anachronistic most of the uniforms and equipment are in this strip, it’s fairly realistic to depict Beetle as gazing upon a fairly modern weapon (the M-249 was introduced in 1984!) with a mixture of awe and reverence. Sarge had better hope that Private Bailey doesn’t decide, once he has his hands on an actual killing machine, to turn it on his nearest tormentor — namely, Sarge himself.

Luann, 8/3/10

After last week’s Toni-smelling horror, I’ve never been more glad to see this foursome of losers and their harmless antics. Say, Knute, perhaps it would be best not to draw attention to Gunther, as he attempts to surreptitiously masturbate over by the ladies’ dressing room!

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Kids, an apology up front: I didn’t keep up with the comments this week as much I should have, because I was juggling a visit from my mom and practicing for my water ballet debut. (If you are interested in the latter, there are some nice pics from the Fluid Movement Facebook page, bmore media, the Baltimore Sun, and the Washington Post — careful on that last one, as it plays an ad with sound before you get to the pictures.) Most of these comments are from the beginning and end of the week — I’m sure there were some funny ones in the middle I missed!

That said, here’s the week’s top comment:

“I am just enough of a stereotypical man to often think that nothing can improve on a nice steak dinner. I am just enough of a stereotypical gay man to know that the best improvement would be sitting down next to a drunk Margo Magee who is irate because she’s getting made over by a couple of frumpy bitches.” –LogopolisMike

And the funny runners up!

“If Sassy really is a Dalmatian, it is the filthiest, most urine-stained dog imaginable and no amount of bathing will get it clean. It’s like the antithesis to Mark’s pristine mind, possibly analogous to the Portrait of Dorian Grey.” –Aviatrix

“If there is a God in heaven, tomorrow’s Luann will be one long panel of Brad slowly inhaling through his nose, followed by a small second panel; a close up of Brad’s eyes, as he whispers, ‘the scent of Toni.’ And that will be the last Luann comic. Ever. Greg Evans will simply put down his pen, nod slowly, and walk off into the distance, never to be seen again. At long last, his Work will have been done.” –Dan

“I’m all for honesty in relationships, but if you are wearing cologne you borrowed from your father, and if you are not thirteen years old, maybe don’t share that detail with your date.” –BananaSam

“I was angry, and confused! That anger and confusion made me pelvic thrust at everything and everyone!” –CleverNameIsaac

“For a brief moment, I thought Luann was going to be cool enough to reference the Old Spice Guy. ‘SWAN DIVE! Into the most awkward odor-related compliment of your life!'” –Juggleboy

“If I were in this scenario and the guy I was seeing characterized me as a ‘sexy fragrance that’s all his own,’ I would not even wait for him to slow the car down before leaping out in abject horror. I do feel, however, that the time investment required to vomit all over his upholstery first would be totally worth it.” –Violet

“Oh man, the sight of a lonely, heartbroken Crankshaft in panels one and two makes me unfathomably happy. If I could melt that image down and inject it directly into my veins I’d never feel depressed ever again.” –Paddy

“Jamaal will find out later he actually called his mother at 3 a.m. to confess his love for Herb. Hilarity still doesn’t ensue.” –zenvelo

“Mr. Wilson really doesn’t have a mouth! He has nosehairs, and a chin, neither of which can be construed as a mouth, believe me, I tried for like ten minutes.” –garet

“Sometimes, it feels like legacy comics are the only media outlets still keeping tabs on milestones of old-timey Americana like the 100th anniversary of the Boy Scouts, while the rest simply focus on Katy Perry’s boobs.” –Joe Blevins

“If one were to single-out the second panel, one might assume a family abandoned their watermelon-headed child in a pile of his own defecation. ‘Let the waves carry him off,’ they might say. ‘It’s the Atlantic Ocean’s problem now!'” –Marc

“This Family Circus should have Mark Trail-style captions over it. ‘The ocean does not care for architecture or the emotional pleasure of creation. It is mindless, soulless, and inexorable as death itself. The ocean is home to whales, sharks, beautiful dolphins, and deadly jellyfish. Do not throw rocks at the ocean.’” –Zaratustra

Big thanks to everyone who put cash in my tip jar! And we must of course give thanks to our advertisers:

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Apartment 3-G, 8/2/10

At last, someone is showing some initiative around here! Naturally it’s Margo, but the low level of rebellion on display is really pretty pathetic. Oh no, they’re going to leave their hotel room and order dinner! Really, Margo, we expected Kat and Kitty’s severed heads to be displayed on pikes as a warning to others by this point. Why exactly is reckless restaurant-going forbidden, anyway? Is the show broadcast live, in real time? Are they depriving Americans of their chance to watch three badly dressed women mope around in a hotel room? Surely the entertainment value there ended when Lu Ann and Margo drained the minibar.

Judge Parker, 8/2/10

Meanwhile, the transformation of Jules from “predatory European sexual threat to Sam’s American sense of morality” to “sad, abused doormat” is pretty much complete. The best part of this scene is the way he’s proffering up that shoe, like it’s some kind of excuse. “But, your father and I … we’ve been working … look at this shoe! It has a decorative buckle-thing! And it’s been weight-tested! Please love me!”

Jumble, 8/2/10

As always, I cheerfully admit that I don’t have the brainpower to actually solve the Jumble, so I have to make my guess on what’s going on from the visual. Obviously curly mustaches and furrowed brows are only found on evil characters in comics, so I’m guessing the boss is going to give Sam a raise for cooking the books and hiding millions of dollars in offshore shell corporations. You just wear that visor and sheepish expression on the witness stand, kid, and we’ll do great, trust me.

Popeye, 8/2/10

Once again, I’ve become briefly intrigued by the new Popeye storyline, though I’ll quickly lose interest once it devolves into the boring kind of insanity. At the moment, though, I’m intrigued by what Popeye and the Professor have cooked up. Looks like genocide! Scientific genocide.