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B.C., 6/3/09

Part of being a smug jerk on the Internet who makes fun of other people’s life work is never having to say you’re sorry, but I do feel like I need to mildly backtrack on the issue of B.C. I still believe quite firmly in the principle that comic strips should die or retire with their creators; but we won’t be living in such a perfect world any time soon, and I do have to say that over the last two years the new post-Johnny Hart B.C. has gone from terrible to kind of amusing, in a new and goofy way. I admit to being actively tickled by today’s installment, not so much because of the “turtle sexual harassment and retaliatory violence” angle, but because of it implies that turtle sex involves a dude turtle slipping out of his own shell and into the lady turtle’s shell. Which is anatomically laughable, of course, but can you visualize how turtles do it? A recent visit to the awesome Arizona-Sonora Desert Museum did acquaint me with this legitimate educational display, but I still have questions. (Warning: that second link may not be safe for work, if your workplace is uptight about turtle sex.)

Mary Worth, 6/3/09

Well, it looks like Adrian is safely paired off with the son of the one man her father ever loved, which should make for a blissfully perfect life partnership marred only by occasional awkwardly overenthusiastic Christmas visits. Now we’re moving to the next plot, which begins as a young woman phones Mary to tell her that she’s “taking a break” from her marriage. Rather than use the opportunity to get drunk a lot and bed innumerable younger men, this lunatic has decided to spend her newly single days living with Mary Worth, whom she considers to be “like a mother.” Based on the past several years of reading this strip, Mary is the kind of mother who never calls or even mentions this poor girl, but that doesn’t stop her from reacting to the prospect of a hapless meddlee coming to live her with the kind of blissed-out facial expression normally only possible with the aid of powerful, mood-altering narcotics.

As the leaves around our squirrelly friend in panel one indicate, beautiful late spring has come to Santa Royale, which means that the new victim’s introduction to Charterstone can take one form and one form only: pool party. Seriously, I don’t think we’ve seen a wonderful Santa Royale pool party since, what, Mary’s terribly misguided attempt to set up Dr. Drew and Vera? FAR TOO LONG. No pool party, no peace!

Cathy, 6/3/09

36 months after the innovator (They’ll Do It Every Time, of blessed memory) and 33 months after the laggard (Curtis), Cathy finally catches on to the one fail-safe comedy gold comics trope: jeans that are brand new, but look all beat up! Ha ha! Mercy!

Apartment 3-G, 6/3/09

“You know, like you, who bullies and ignores me by turns! Or what’s-her-name, the blonde, who left the state months ago and I haven’t talked to since! And … uh … you know, maybe I should rethink this.”

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Crock, 6/2/09

While I do not begrudge anyone a good ass-looking, I strenuously object to sexuality of any sort being discussed in the mangled world of Crock. Today’s panel has a little something for everyone. Longtime readers of the strip will, from long familiarity with all of these hateful characters, object to any of them contemplating eroticism of any sort, as it is better than any of them deserve. Naïfs just stumbling onto the strip by fateful accident will be traumatized to think that anyone would put the words “Maggot has better buns” in that particular sequence. And those of a philosophical bent can contemplate the quality scale on which one is expected to assess buns, if not their packaging.

On an unsettling art note, it appears that the artist seems to have long forgotten that Grossie is supposed to be wearing a niqab, and, apparently relying only on drawings of her from the front as a guide, has executed this profile shot under the assumption that her nose is two different colors.

Gil Thorp, 6/2/09

How to explain this: I think, somewhere in the bowels of the rapidly crumbling print newspaper industry, someone got wind of the fact there was a daily narrative feature, with pictures, half of the characters in which are physically fit teenage girls. “We need to play up the sex appeal!” came the barked orders of someone who’s spent the last decade fighting a holding action against Craigslist. And so Gil Thorp, confused but eager for relevance, lurched into action, swinging away from the “OH MY GOD THE FACEBOOK” story it had been following in a sort of desultory fashion and leaping at “sexy girls try on each other’s swimsuits SEXXXY!” This being Gil Thorp, of course, it will be awkward and uncomfortable-making, though on the bright side it will involve very little Shep Trumbo, unless things go horribly awry.

Archie, 6/2/09

Good lord, the mini-Archies are proliferating! If Jughead’s Archiform marionette weren’t unsettling enough, we now know that Betty has a plush li’l Archie to console herself with when Archie is off marrying Veronica for her money or whatever. More concerning to me, however, is how committed Archie is to leaning smugly while talking on his cell phone, even when there doesn’t actually appear to be anything for him to lean against. His pose in panel three, with one foot on the ladder, one foot hanging in empty space, one hip vaguely rested against a thin shelf, and one elbow stuck out into mid-air, is a workplace injury and subsequent worker’s comp claim waiting to happen, the paperwork for which will make Archie’s supervisor regret his decision to quit his job as a Tom of Finland character.

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Comments of the week momentarily, but first, my friends, a very special announcement. Do you have an Amazon-branded Kindle device, that you carry about with you in your satchel or backpack? Have you ever thought to yourself, “Gee, I’d like to read my very favorite blog in the whole wide world, the Comics Curmudgeon, on my Kindle?” Well, now you can, my friends! For $1.99 a month, you can subscribe to my blog, Kindle-style! Here’s the Amazon page for the blog; click on “Subscribe now with 1-click” and your favorite comics-mocking madness will be beamed to to your Kindle. I don’t actually have one of these magic devices, but there’s a preview function on Amazon’s publisher site that seems to indicate the the graphics come out sort of stipple-arty but readable; you get a 14-day free trial to decide whether you want to read the blog this way, and whether it’s worth $1.99 a month to you. I am very interested in feedback on this, so please let me know at bio at jfruh dot com! (Please note that the Kindle app for the iPhone/iPod Touch doesn’t work with blog subscriptions; you need one of the actual Kindle handhelds.)

Also! A last-minute reminder that, if you are in or near Baltimore’s Mt. Vernon neighborhood, why not stop by Center Stage tonight (Monday) and see if you can score some tickets to my latest public appearance?

And now, without further ado, your COMMENTS OF THE WEEK!

“I can’t believe Gary asked Tommie to marry him. Does he think they don’t have girls in Denver?” –Violet

And your runners up! Very funny!

“I love how even Tommie thinks that giving up a career for her is fairly pathetic.” –Citric

“Egads, I had a little checked suit coat like that, with matching short pants, when I was 5 … in the 1960s. Of course, Hank Ketcham is dead so probably is not up on the latest fashions of the 21st century. Maybe that’s what’s so menacing about the strip: zombies lecturing us on public mores from beyond the grave.” –Crankenstank

“For a comic that regularly features jokes about urine and feces, does Marvin REALLY want to make fun of people who are easily amused?” –Hoboclown

“I first read today’s Mary Worth without reading the balloons and I liked it a lot. It’s all silly grins and gang signs.” –digamma

“I know many of you are concerned for little Eugene’s welfare, but I think it must be pointed out that the toaster in Marvin is not actually plugged in. Note the absence of any cord as the entire toaster becomes airborne in the last panel. Instead of running on electricity it appears to be powered by stupidity.” –Flying Ace

“Some might say, ‘Wouldn’t it be easier to just stop drawing mirrors in Mary Worth’s restaurants, since they’re not going to draw any real reflections?’ I say to you, wouldn’t it be just as easy to step outside and realize family bloodlines no longer need to be preserved by marrying half-siblings and first cousins?” –Black Drazon

“If anyone ever needed an argument against heterosexuality, today there are three.” –Clint

“Good lord, could movement lines BE any more obnoxious than in Mary Worth today? What kind of aggressive snatching must have produced that comet tail, the bill still quivering from the shock of it? Even if/when it’s ‘nice to be taken care of for a change’ it’s unsettling to have it done with all the suavity of a Gestapo confiscation.” –Sister Sestina

“Sarge is taking the phrase ‘love that dare not speak its name’ a bit too literally.” –Anonymous

“Adrian … you’d better get used to it! With my new powers of telekinesis, you’re going to have to get used to a lot of things.” –Rhekarid

“Detective Scott can afford to pick up the check because he has already negotiated a handsome dowry from Dr. Jeff.” –FE

“And I wanted to see how you are with children. Because I’m eleven.” –I am Jack’s username

“I never pegged Lincoln for a truck-robber. Honest Abe my ass.” –Lord-z

“What? That’s crazy! You can’t really live in New York!! You’re not attractive or interesting!” –Rizbon

“Tommie’s hair needs to graduate from 1972 before she’s ready to marry.” –Crankenstank

“Of course Margo’s horrified; she doesn’t want anyone to find out her secret weakness (love). Of course, in this case, her fears are entirely unjustified as Tommie isn’t capable of feeling anything more passionate than mild ennui or confusion. The only life-form more boring than Tommie, Gary, merely proposed to her in hopes that she’s of the same species.” –Alan’s Addiction

“That’s right, practice those come-ons! Someday, a girl will walk into your shop, eager to hear long-winded factoids with zero relevance and you’ll be ready!” –Donald the Anarchist

“I love that Margo asks about the roses and doesn’t get an answer until ‘later that evening.’ I like to imagine Tommie in the kitchen, wide-eyed, completely focused on whatever the hell she’s doing in there. ‘Must cook dinner. Must cook. Faster! Faster! Must cook faster to avoid the beatings! Oh, the beatings! Faster! Better! Just the way she likes it!’ Then a few hours later, as soon as she’s finished and able to think for herself for a few seconds, she realizes she was asked a question by none other than Mistress Margo herself, panics, and just blurts out the answer in a panic, hoping it’s not too late. ‘GARY BROUGHT ME THE ROSES!’ But of course, it is. Gary’s proposal is the least of her worries now.” –Roto13

“It’s hilarious to watch Margo forced to do her fancy head-spinning moves as Tommie keeps circling, circling to keep Margo from being able to draw a bead on her. Sitck and move, Tommie, stick and move, attagirl.” –Talking Squirrel

“Looks like Max Mouse has finally given up this charade and is trying to eat his oppressor.” –Cami

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