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Gil Thorp, 11/1/08

Ha ha, at last the big fall Gil Thorp plot twist has been REVEALED, and it’s every bit as insane and asinine as “Elmer gets to stay in America as a bilingual publicist, even though that doesn’t match up with his visa and he doesn’t speak Spanish” and “Tyler bludgeoned himself.” You see, for the first time ever in Gil Thorp history, the fact that a panel was drawn with word balloons coming out of a random building was a deliberate attempt to create ambiguity, rather than a ploy to avoid drawing human hands and/or hairstyles. In fact, Matt the Hat’s ticker is perfectly healthy, whereas the ‘Czak truly does love gettin’ naked with other dudes more than life itself. And now that the doctor has arrived, we’re all going to learn a valuable lesson about why medical professionals should ideally write things down. As punishment, Matt will be forced to have Jeff’s heart attack for him.

In panel three, Matt reveals that after his time in this two-bit comic is over, he’ll be moving on to bigger and better things, portraying Will Eisner’s The Spirit.

Mary Worth, 11/1/08

I’m hoping we get beyond the dull “Frank is an overbearing stage parent” story here and go right on into “Frank is a paranoid schizophrenic.” “The judges are always watching! They have a network of spy satellites and bugs, and can see out of any sign painted red! They put tracking devices in fillings, which why we never go to the dentist! If I hadn’t covered the house with tinfoil, we’d never have a moment’s peace!”

And let’s get a quick precis of Sunday’s comics, via the opening throwaway panels!

Panels from Curtis, 11/2/08

Oh, Curtis, are you really stooping so low as to borrow narrative techniques from Herb and Jamaal? Still, I have to admit that we’re certainly being set up for excitement here. Something of value, you say? But what could it be? I am on tenterhooks!

(True fact: it turned out to be a toilet.)

Panels from Judge Parker, 11/2/08

“The angle at which the body crumpled, the blood splatter pattern, the powder burns — all aesthetic abominations! Usually murder scenes are things of beauty, or at least have something to keep you engaged. This … this was just a big disappointment.”

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Jeez, a guy can’t go away for 24 hours before getting frantic emails about huge chunks of the comments section acting like jackasses. (Those of you in the non-commenting “silent majority” can ignore this.) I will tell you all right now: quit it. I know it’s hard in the lead-up to an election to avoid political diatribes at all, but please be respectful towards one another rather than launching epithets at your politically divergent fellow commentors. Because you know where else you have to get into this kind of flame war? The entire rest of the Internet.

Anyway, high passions can and will be forgiven; I probably shouldn’t have mentioned any of the major candidates in a post before I left of the weekend anyway, though my point was just horror at the Family Circus trying to make itself relevant. I actually had intended to set up an election day go-at-each-other thread on Tuesday to let people get it out of their system. But let me tell you something that will earn you an immediate banning: posting nasty stuff under the name of another commentator just to make them look bad. Seriously, that is 100 percent not kosher and only my actually trying to enjoy my weekend trip prevents me from wading into the back end of the comment machinery to root out the offenders right now.

Anyway, did anything good come out of this spat? Perhaps. While flicking through in horror, I came upon this gem, posted by faithful reader Mr Snrub: “Does Taft/Roosevelt slashfic exist?” If it doesn’t now, I order you to expend your political energies on this thread creating some. “Ever since Taft had returned from the Phillipines, TR found himself going out of his way to spend more time with him talking about the situation there…” Go!

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Family Circus, 10/31/08

Yes, Dolly is dressed as … exactly who you think she’s dressed as. At least Jeffy isn’t going as Obama, in blackface.

Meanwhile, it took me took some serious staring and contemplation to realize that Billy is supposed to be the popular Iron Man character, with his mask pushed up on top of his head (presumably so we’d know that he was really Billy, and not Robert Downey, Jr., come to score some dope from the Keane Kids). For the longest time I thought that he was wearing a Kangol hat, and he was supposed to be some guy in a Kangol hat who’s been splattered by red paint.

Dennis the Menace, 10/31/08

No amount of contemplation could help me suss out the meaning of Dennis’s outfit, however. Is he supposed to be the guy from V for Vendetta? Or just some dude in a mask who likes to stab people?

Spider-Man, 10/31/08

As I promised yesterday, the Spider-Man strip is simply relentless in its efforts to disappoint fans of Spider-Man, superhero comics, action, and narrative. Big Time, having managed to miss the web-slinger at point blank range despite paralyzing him with his most powerful weapon — sound — now simply bludgeons our hero with a clock.

Mary Worth, 10/31/08

Frank is quickly showing himself to be a very promising Mary Worth guest star. I look forward to him turning every compliment into something negative. “Frank, your daughter’s performance was simply tremendous!” “Yes, tremendously humiliating!” “Frank, this soup is delicious!” “Yes, deliciously repulsive!”

Apartment 3-G, 10/31/08

“Heh heh, some junkie I’ve never met gets popped, and that just makes for more action for Gary! Good thing I wore my sexiest camel-hair jacket!”

UPDATE: I’m going out of town for the weekend, so I probably won’t have a chance to post weekend comments until Monday. Till then, enjoy!