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For Better Or For Worse, 5/1/08

For Better Or For Worse’s grim determination to make EVERY GOD-DAMNED STRIP end with some sort of cute pun has hit new heights of nonsense today. Let’s ignore for the moment the fact that “patience” and “patients” are homophones, rendering the joke incomprehensible to anyone not actually reading it written out; we still have the glaring question of what the hell it could possibly mean. Does John wish that he had waited longer to retire, now that he’s beginning to realize that life at home with Ellie will involve more home improvement projects and less ornate model train landscaping? Or is he genuinely sorry that he spent his dental career rushing from patient to patient, trying to cram as many as possible into the day, leaving a trail of slipshod fillings, shattered jawbones, and drill-lacerated cheeks behind him?

Fun thing to say that sounds kind of dirty but probably isn’t: “I hear you’re finally done with the drill!”

Apartment 3-G, 5/1/08

Notice that the instant the word “boyfriend” passes Lu Ann’s lips, she and Jack are immediately transported outside of the latter’s print shop and magical love nest and dumped unceremoniously out onto the sidewalk below. “Boyfriend, eh? …aaaaaaand I think we’re done here.”

Panel from Dick Tracy, 5/1/08

For many of the more bizarre continuity strips out there, the looming question is, “Are the creators in on the joke?” While it isn’t definitive, to me this panel makes a “yes” answer for Dick Tracy more likely. If you think he’s bad now, wait until you get a load of the front of his head, Dab!

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Dick Tracy, 4/30/08

Yes, you might say poetic justice, if in fact there were any poetic justice in the situation whatsoever. I suppose Cole Lector was rich, but it’s not as if Dab Stract or the police are going to be handing over his money and geegaws to the poor now that he’s been killed. In fact, the whole notion of redistribution of wealth ought to make Dick so righteously angry that he’d grab that Red bow out of Dab Stract’s hands and break it over his knee, just like he would snap that Commie Robin Hood’s spine, if he could lay his hands on him. The only possible answer is that Dick is not in fact listening to a word Dab Stract or anyone else is saying, and is just interjecting random tough-guy bon mots whenever he becomes vaguely aware that there’s a lull in the conversation. It would explain a lot about the disjointed dialogue in this strip.

Crankshaft, 4/30/08

Ha ha! Crankshaft’s an angry old man that nobody likes, and he’s about to be stung all over his face by bees! Oh, it doesn’t take much to warm the cockles of my black, black heart.

Family Circus, 4/30/08

“Well, there has to be some reason. For starters, it would help if I liked you.”

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Luann, 4/29/08

You know what? I like Gunther. You know, he’s dorky, and he’s even got some hobbies (like sewing) don’t seem cool even to other dorks, but he also seems totally comfortable with who he is, something I wish that my dorky high school self could have been. His little speech to Luann in panel two is both eminently sensible and very sweet.

…and then, of course, he pulls out the horrifying fetishistic pig head. You just know there’s a ball gag behind that snout. Next come the handcuffs.

Slylock Fox, 4/29/08

Yeah, laugh it up, birds! You know, poor Baldy McMustache has a dull office job that crushes his soul, and the only thing that keeps him going is his hobby watching the beautiful birds as they fly and sing in his yard. Maybe he just wanted to make the yard a little more inviting for you, to give a little something back for the hours of happiness he’s gotten from bird-watching. Sure, he doesn’t have particularly good carpentry skills, but it’s the thought that counts! The least you could do is coo politely. But no, you just have to humiliate him in front of his kid. Well, I hope you like poisoned birdseed, you ungrateful feathered bastards, because you’d better believe that’s what’s going into the feeder tomorrow morning.

Judge Parker, 4/29/08

I don’t mean to take anything away from No-Legged Steve’s awesome lawyering skills, but it’s easy to do a week’s worth of work in a day when you had your morning coffee a month ago. In fact, by my reckoning, Steve could have actually done four times as much legal eaglin’ as he actually pulled off! Way to go, slacker.