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Mark Trail, 10/30/07

See, we’re only two days into the Amazing Adventures of Johnny Malotte, L’Homme d’Extérieur, and it’s already a gazillion times more amusing than dumb old Homer and the Shirleys can ever dream of being. I sincerely hope that in every single panel in which Johnny appears, he has several of his innumerable offspring draped over him, so as to indicate what a crowded, Soylent Green-type hellscape the Malotte compound is. The first panel of today’s installment shows us the dangers of backwoods inbreeding, as Johnny’s freakishly thick torso towers over his presumably high-school-aged son; either Johnny is a Paul Bunyan-like forest giant, or his son is a borderline little person (though perfectly proportioned, it should be noted).

Meanwhile, the idea that Tiny Malotte is going to have satisfy every whim of some pair of rich city businessmen in order to get the associate’s degree he needs to escape this overcrowded cabin forever is too, too delicious. Look for him to run afoul of Mark as he desperately tries to find hookers and blow in Lost Forest.

Apartment 3-G, 10/30/07

Oh, man, I had completely forgotten that Margo was running an event planning business! And, from the look of things, so did Margo. I wonder if Eric, like the wealthy and powerful everywhere, has expected Margo to drop everything else in her life now that he’s made her part of his business empire. I know we keep waiting in vain for an apocalyptic Eric-Margo conflict, but perhaps if he discovers that his new gallery manager is moonlighting organizing awards banquets for bleeding hearts, we might get one step closer.

B.C., 10/30/07

This is actually a fairly amusing cartoon for those with memories of and investment in the B.C. cast of characters, which, unfortunately for B.C., is pretty much nobody at this point. What I want to know is JESUS GOD WHOSE LEG IS THAT DANGLING LIMPLY FROM THE BACK OF THE SHELL?

Funky Winkerbean, 10/30/07

“Well, here we are … the brand new exposition in the exposition!”

“Thanks for bringing us here, Cindy … I really exposition to Funky to exposition.”

“I’m sure he won’t mind his exposition stopping by for the big exposition either!”

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People! Do you recall that I told you some weeks ago about the glory and majesty of Mark Trail Theater, a genuine Mark Trail-simulating performance in which your humble blogger would appear? And that it would be part of a larger variety show called Glitterama that would include many other acts that you would find amusing and amazing? It has come to my attention that many of you live within easy reach of Baltimore, and yet have not acquired tickets! This post will give you an opportunity to rectify your oversight! The details, again, for those that missed it:

• What: Mark Trail Theater, an eight-or-so-minute play that both lampoons and pays homage to America’s favorite asexual cartoon outdoorsman, Mark Trail, within the context of a larger variety show! Other acts in the show include comedy, burlesque, acrobatics, and more! Some acts may contain nudity, raunchiness, or inscrutable performance art, not appropriate for the younger kiddies, etc.
• Who: Me, my lovely wife, and several fellow aficionados of Mark Trail and/or irony, including a guy who looks uncannily like Mark Trail and another guy who we conned into wearing this bear suit:

  

  
• When: Friday, November 9th at 8 p.m.; Saturday, November 10th and 7 p.m. and 10 p.m. Doors open 30 minutes before show time.
• Where: Load of Fun Studios at 120 W. North Avenue in Baltimore. Mere steps away from the main Baltimore train station, so if you’re thinking, “Gee, I live in Washington/Philadelphia and don’t have a car, so I can’t come,” YOU JUST LOST YOUR EXCUSE, BUSTER!
• How: Huh, I … I don’t know exactly what that question means in this context. Oh, you want to know how to buy tickets? Well, you can buy them at the door, or reserve them online at Brown Paper Tickets. Only $10!

(Since I encourage the dramatization of Mark Trail in as many media as possible, I must point out that an entirely separate group of kindred spirits already do Mark Trail Theater … on the radio!)

Speaking of acting out comics: The unstoppable mother-daughter team of faithful readers that is Rainbird and Huntinbyrd felt that last Thursday’s Mary Worth cried out for a re-enactment. I think you’ll find the results both delightful and unsettling, just as I did:

And finally, faithful reader Toonhead has taken those bizarre body angles and karate-chop motions that we all know and love so well from Mary Worth and to their logical extreme by editing them together and adding 1974’s smash novelty hit “Kung Fu Fighting” as a soundtrack. Enjoy!

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Gil Thorp, 10/29/07

Uh-oh! In a totally shocking unforeseeable development, it seems that vaguely repentant “accidental” murderer Cully Vale is falling in with a bad crowd! That Mitch “found” that money in some old lady’s purse is obvious not least because he appears to be an Eisenhower-era greaser hood of some sort. Meanwhile in panel two Boyd Henry’s Chameleon Device briefly hit some kind of glitch, revealing his black, alien eyes. What sinister plan does this disguised extraterrestrial have for Cully, and for humanity? Only time will tell!

Cully is too dumb recognize any of the warning signs, obviously. He’s not even very in touch with the way his own body works. “Hmm, discomfort in my tummy … what could make grumbling go away? Food? Sure, food sounds great! I’ll try this ‘food’ of which you speak!”

Mark Trail, 10/29/07

Most of the comics are starting in on their Halloween stories this week, but none have offered a vision as terrifying as Johnny Malotte’s litter of spawn and their eager, smiling faces. It’s frankly a wonder that Mom can even sit up straight after pumping out this brood. I’m guessing the visiting businessmen will find this group of hillbilly Von Trapps more unsettling than enjoyable.

And yes, Johnny has facial hair, but he’s an “old friend” of Mark’s, so he gets some kind of pass. Based on his Captain Renault-style mustache and vaguely Frenchy last name, I’m going imagine him as a comical Quebecois outdoorsman for really no good reason.

They’ll Do It Every Time, 10/29/07

I’ll never forget the day I first visited my Great-Aunt Ruth and Great-Uncle Stan in their retirement community in the high desert about an hour outside of L.A. I was fourteen or fifteen at the time, and while I intellectually understood why they found the golf course directly adjacent to their backyard appealing, I was more impressed by the constant round of barbecues and cocktail parties — any time of day, any day of the week — that their lives had become. I quickly understood why everyone got around the streets of their little subdivision on golf carts and the speed limit was 15 miles per hour: because pretty much everyone had a buzz on all the time. Ever since that day, I’ve had one goal in mind: to retire in style. Thank you, TDIET, for reminding me to keep my eye on the ball.

Judge Parker, 10/29/07

*SPUT* *BLUB* DO NOT TELL ME THAT THIS IS HOW THIS STORY HAS BEEN RESOLVED. IT DOES NOT WORK THAT WAY.

Sam is wearing his sunglasses to bring Extra Dickishness Action to this little conversation.

Hi and Lois, 10/29/07

Ha ha! It’s funny because Hi and Lois are bankrupt!

Lockhorns, 10/29/07

Ha ha! It’s funny because something pop-culture-related Loretta can’t cook!