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Pluggers, 4/12/07

In order to avoid projecting an image of snobbery, I’ll pass over the central point of today’s Pluggers to say … oh, God, no, I can’t. FOR PETE’S SAKE I JUST FOUND THREE JEWELRY BOXES ONLINE FOR UNDER TEN DOLLARS IN LESS THAN THIRTY SECONDS OF SEARCHING! EVEN CHEAPER ONES ARE AVAILABLE AT YOUR LOCAL SALVATION ARMY OR YARD SALE! IF YOU CAN AFFORD JEWELRY, YOU CAN AFFORD A REAL JEWELRY BOX! CHRIST!

Ahem. Moving on, if we really needed to depict a plugger making a show of her frugality by using an egg carton as a jewelry box, couldn’t the she-plugger called to duty have been the kangaroo-lady or the dog-lady or a lady of some species that doesn’t, you know, LAY FREAKIN’ EGGS? Because when I first saw this cartoon, I thought the caption was going to be “A plugger makes jewelry from the bones of her children.”

Luann, 4/12/07

I’m an only child, which, for the record, is awesome, as I never had to learn how to “share” or any of that crap. However, it means that I don’t really have an instinctual feel for how brother-sister relationships work. But I’m pretty sure that no brother has ever boasted to his sister about the sexual playground that is his enormous king-sized bed. Plus, I’m pretty sure that nobody ever has boasted to anyone about their “super quilted pillowtop”, whatever the hell that is. Dude, if you’re going to boast about your bed’s comfort features, trust me: it’s all about the thread count on the sheets. Though that’s really more an “impress them while they’re there” feature than a “get them in there” feature. You shouldn’t be bragging about it. Especially not to your sister. Ew.

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Apartment 3-G, 4/11/07

Panel one: The touch on the shoulder, plus the nature of the conversation, establishes that these two gentlemen are well acquainted with each other, and, despite minor conflicts, keep each other’s best interests at heart.

Panel two: An exaggerated look at the watch, plus a call to make plans later, indicates that one of the two characters needs to run.

Panel three: Oh no! Readers might not realize that these two are old friends, and about to part! We need a narration box, stat! As a bonus, it will screw up the rhythm of the strip, implying that there’s been some kind of gap in time between panels two and three!

Spider-Man, 4/11/07

I’m uninterested in the latest example of J. Jonah Creep’s epic self-absorption, and my curiosity is only vaguely piqued by the flight of that … brick? videotape? bundle of hundred-dollar bills? Whatever. I am, however, intrigued by the concept of a thought balloon coming from off-panel. A similarly positioned word balloon offers a comics-panel approximation of a situation in which you can hear someone but not see them; this seems to show that SOMEWHERE nearby, SOMEONE is thinking … but WHO?

Gil Thorp, 4/11/07

When I read today’s Gil Thorp, my eyes slid right over the bizarre wildlife analogies and traumatizing Paris Hilton joke to settle on that … thing … that the first basewoman is holding in the third panel. Is it a trash can lid? An enormous pair of black panties with a frilly trim? A rip in the fabric of space and time, revealing the soul-destroying black abyss that lies beyond our universe? After about a minute, I realized that we’re just supposed to be looking directly into the maw of a fielder’s mitt. That’s a minute I’ll never have back, and I resent it.

By the way, it appears that Hadley Baxendale and Steve Luhm fought for equal rights in vain: While I’m sure the baseball diamond has been mowed with laser-beam precision, the softball field appears to be covered in ankle-deep grass. The right fielder is standing in a particularly wooly patch, though, if we continue with the African herbivore metaphors, she may believe that it provides camouflage from predators.

Dick Tracy, 4/11/07

It’s hard to believe, but I’ve managed to avoid commenting on Dick Tracy ever since we met the completely demented Queen of Diamonds character. Today, things just get weirder as she discards her costume for reasons that are no more obvious than those that drove her to wear in the first place. It’s not like a lumpy person in a skin-tight black bodysuit with a face like a playing card is exactly inconspicuous, even if she isn’t carrying a supernaturally glowing gem.

Judge Parker, 4/11/07

For those of you not following along at home, Neddy and Abbey, fleeing from their ‘80s punker attackers, have ducked through a door off of an alley and into some mysterious workshop full of industrial supplies that they can turn into weapons. Presumably they will blow-torch their nemeses into submission, then dump their charred figures onto the steps of L’Académie française, where they will be dealt with for their crimes against French grammar. It looks like somebody’s gunning to have their strip turned into the next ultraviolent Robert Rodriguez-directed big screen comics adaptation.

Mark Trail, 4/11/07

Many of you have already noted that Mark is flying to confront Dan’s grieving widow on the back of a majestic goose, and driving from the gooseport in some kind of vehicle that lacks seats. I’m more disturbed by how excited Cherry is about the whole thing. “Oh, Mark, I’m so glad you didn’t call the police with your suspicions. I love it when you go off half-cocked on impromptu voyages of vengeance! Go get ’em, tiger! Don’t beat anyone to death unless you feel like it!”

Family Circus, 4/11/07

This, combined with this, leads me to believe that the Family Circus has a bee up its butt over recent findings that most Americans, including most of those who consider themselves Christians, are completely ignorant of the basics of the Bible and Christian theology. Obviously it will climax with an angry, melon-headed mob demanding that public schools bring back religious instructions for their poor, hell-bound students. Obviously their parents can’t be trusted to do it! They’re just as dumb!

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Spider-Man, 4/10/07

It’s official: Everyone in this strip is a screw-up. “When Kordak hits ’em, they’re done for”? Tell that to not-dead hideously ugly redheaded flattop dude! Even the corpse-dumping was marked by failure. Presumably now N-DHURFD will seek to help Spidey in order to have revenge upon his former criminal compatriots. Inevitably, he’ll botch it somehow.

Pluggers, 4/10/07

So … you’re a plugger if you’re fat? This not only represents some kind of creative nadir for the Pluggers franchise, but it insults millions of fat people everywhere. Maybe the fatness/drawstring shorts combination is the key here.

Mark Trail, 4/10/07

Wow, that angry, angry fish in panel two is the scariest thing I’ve seen in the comics — or, well, anywhere, really — in a long time. Maybe it represents Mark himself, infuriated at being used and determined to settle the score with his gaping, lipless mouth. “You want to pretend to be dead to make money, Dan? Oh, I’ll pretend for you to be dead, all right — ONLY IT WON’T BE PRETEND!”

UPDATE: Anyone who thinks panel two is mere fantastical whimsy needs to read this.

Ziggy, 4/10/07

I have to say that I find the fact that this vending machine/enigmatic monolith has a coin slot but no way to spit out whatever it is you don’t know what you’re missing profoundly unsettling. I know that the “cryptically labeled vending machine that Ziggy regards dubiously” is a common trope in Ziggy, and for obvious reasons I’m not going to subject myself to a hunt through the Ziggy archives to find out if they’re all like that, but the sight of that smooth, unbroken expanse of white whatever, unbroken by any dispensing door or slot of any kind, chills me to the bone.