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Due to my crazy schedule I probably won’t be doing the Sunday comics till Monday sometime (and what happened to the Houston Chronicle? Now I have to read them on paper like a chump!) but I didn’t want to deny you all your Monday morning comment of the week satisfaction! Let’s start off with this week’s winner:

“Whoever draws Mary Worth is obviously woefully unfamiliar with drawing non-whites OR non-olds. I can’t tell if the bellboy is Asian or Vincent Price.” –Rhekarid

There were an unusually large amount of runners up, but that’s what happens when you have such a bevy of funny folks making comments:

“Yar, mateys, we set sail at dawn for the Main. We shall fire a broadside into the fort and take the town. Avast, and ye shall be swimming in old women’s purses ere dusk! Wheat pennies! Heart medication! Striped candy! ‘Twill buy many a wench in Tortuga! Ar!” –IdolsofMud

“I contend that B.C.’s repetition of the boomerang joke, thus ‘bringing it back around’ is exactly the sort of multi-tiered meta-comic that forces the viewer to readjust his perceptions of — wait a second, is that a rock with a pedal on it being pushed by a caveman?! Man, screw that guy.” –Plumberduck

“Peace Village is Mary Worth’s Mtigwaki. It’s a place where white people go to feel noble helping darker-skinned folk, but once there they just obsess over their sad failed romantic lives.” –yellojkt

“Of course Max takes every opportunity to grab some willing and quite literal tail. He’s a bite-sized rodent sidekicking an always-hungry carnivore. Life is short. And if this strip is a fair indicator of his uselessness, it’s gonna get even shorter.” –Artist formerly known as Ben

“Melody is Max’s sister. If he hasn’t figured out yet how city streets are numbered, he sure isn’t going to able to figure out how to get into a tiny mouse vagina.” –King Folderol

“I’ll just say this once: You know what Marvin fills his diaper with? Other Marvin strips. That’s what Marvin fills his diaper with.” –Marion Delgado

“The reason Miss Buxley has never exposed her irises like that before is because they basically appear to be giant bay windows overlooking the barren wasteland of her terrified soul.” –PD

“Jesse stole Liz’s harmonica because he wanted something to remember her by. And because the elders won’t let them take scalps anymore.” –cheech wizard

“Is ‘snow fly’ some kind of slang term for a desert made with chocolate chip cookies? Because that’s the only way I could see this being a joke. Otherwise it’s more a series of mundane events.” –Christopher

“When I saw (DT)GT, I was horror-struck by that freak in the last panel — and as a regular reader, I’ve seen plenty of questionable characters. It’s like the head of a sixty-year-old man pasted to the smaller body of a different sixty-year-old.” –gh

“Dinkle is just another broken hero for Batiuk to drag through the funky streets of the Tragic Kingdom; just another meat piñata in this Carnival of Souls, just another Cupie Doll hanging on a rusty hook in Satan’s ringtoss on the 24-hour boardwalk that rims the ninth circle of Hell.” –SmartPeopleOnIce

“A few days ago in Pearls Before Swine, they complained that there was no food on the plates because Pastis couldn’t draw food. By that logic, Mary Worth should not have gone to Vietnam and Gil Thorp should not contain people.” –Deanbooth

“Every time I see the word ‘plugger,’ I just think of the age-old question: ‘You pluggin’, or ruggin’?’ (i.e., ‘Are you using a tampon or a sanitary pad during your period?’) I assume all Pluggers are pluggin’, regardless of sex or age.” –Harold

“Why is Beetle walking around with his towel around his neck, lettin’ it all hang out? That’s all well and good at the local bathhouse, but it’s really not the way I would imagine the military. Actually, I take that back — that’s exactly how I imagine the military.” –Alex Blase

“You know you’re a plugger if you’re a horrible man-beast, as if a part of some horrible scientific experiment gone completely awry! Also if you don’t care for computers.” –Raznor

“I like to think Tommie will spend her time alone engaging in a long, luxurious and ultimately unsatisfying weekend of masturbation.” –Tracer Bullet

“Pluggers keeps smiling even though their arteries are choked with gristle and their heart rate is about 475 beats per minute and the plant is about to close because robots are smarter than they are.” –Trotzenbonnie

“Marmaduke: The funny thing I saw was how the guy on the left is bent over in that ‘Oh God, here we go again’ sort of way, and then while remembering all the times he’s been forcibly sodomized by Marmaduke regrets not having thought of the poodle angle before now.” –Sunny Mel Blatherscythe

“It took Josh this long to become bored with Mark Trail? The strip that set the world land speed record for boring?” –Derelict

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Mark Trail, 1/20/07

Now hear this, Mark Trail: You bore me, y’hear? You bore me. These damn beavers just keep getting relocated and coming back and rebuilding their damn dam. From here on in, I refuse to comment on their shenanigans unless it includes laughably obscene dialog such as “Uh-oh, here comes your dad. He’s going to see the beaver!” or “The beavers are excited about being with each other“. Even strips like today’s, which has potential “shaved beaver” laughs, won’t make the cut because it doesn’t actually contain the line “There’s the beaver Doc shaved!” or the like.

And “Doc did that so he could treat the hurt place” just creeps me out.

Blondie, 1/20/07

Speaking of things that creep me out, I know that Dagwood has a life-destroying eating disorder and all, but you could not pay me enough to put my face anywhere near the terrifying clown-headed PA system in panel one. I am, however, kind of charmed by Clown Burger’s motto, “Say — then pay!” So much faster than paying first and then trying to figure out what to order that costs exactly the amount that you’ve already paid.

Curtis, 1/20/07

I’m going to ignore the socially important but lethally boring message of this strip to ask HOLY CRAP WHY IS MOMMA CURTIS WEARING A BLACK SHIRT MARKED WITH AN ENORMOUS RED BAR CODE? As if the giant symbol of soulless mechanization weren’t bad enough, the Satanic color scheme is soul-chilling. Apparently the Anti-Christ is active in the world of Curtis, and Mrs. Wilkins has agreed to follow him and wear his Mark. This might explain why she’s serving Curtis and Barry some kind of inky black brew, though why she’s serving it to them in bowler hats is still an open question.

Family Circus, 1/20/07

Wow, this is the worst advice on fighting dirty I’ve ever heard. It’s almost as if Dolly wants someone to beat the crap out of Jeffy. Hmm.

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Apartment 3-G, 1/19/07

You know who I hope is at the door? Fun Tommie! Yes, the reason Tommie’s been so boring is that, due to a freakish space-time anomaly, she was split into “Dull Tommie” and “Fun Tommie,”
with the former being the one we’ve been watching all this time. As to where “Fun Tommie” went, she’s been boozing and screwing her way up and down Manhattan for most of the last three years, and is finally coming back to take a nap.

Sadly, it’s actually no doubt Gina at the door, come to say something rude and then flit off. Or a boring dark-haired white guy in a blue suit to sweep Tommie off her feet. YAAAAWWWWNNN.

Beetle Bailey, 1/19/07

I think the coloring gnomes are finally forcing the integration of the comics by any means necessary. First TDIET sees its first ever person of color, then suddenly Killer becomes black. We shall overcome!

One Big Happy, 1/19/07

So, as this freezing family trudges ever-deeper into this endless, inescapable forest, who are we betting on being the sole survivor of the inevitable descent into cannibalism? Dad would be the early favorite, since he’s the strongest and a nominal authority figure, but don’t count out Ruthie: she’s scrappy, has a low center of gravity, and is completely batshit insane. Joe — poor surly, none-too-bright Joe — doesn’t really stand a chance.

Marmaduke, 1/19/07

Wow. When Maxi Light and Power celebrates another profitable quarter at its next shareholders’ meeting, and they honor everyone who helped bring the company stock price up another six percent, I hope that, along with the CEO who broke the union and cut unnessecary expenditures on power plant safety equipment, this nameless poodle, who repeatedly and selflessly submitted to sexual slavery just so Maxi’s crack staff could read this damn meter, is singled out for public recognition.

Pluggers, 1/19/07

“You’re know you are really a plugger?” Wow, and I thought this strip’s “Plugger’s/Pluggers” problem earlier this week was bad. Presumably this is meant to distract us from the “content” of this “joke”, which boils down to “You know you’re a plugger if you have a child when you’re relatively young and then live for another sixty years or so.”