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Judge Parker, 12/18/06

None of the soap opera strips can really be said to move quickly (except for the disorienting crank binge that is Gil Thorp), but those in the know know that nothing moves more slowly than Judge Parker. Today’s evidence: I’ve read every single Judge Parker for the last two years, and “Marie” is clearly supposed to be a recurring and beloved character, but I have no idea who the hell she is. Presumably she jetted off to visit with her bother for a long weekend about 72 hours ago in strip time.

Guest artist watch: Abbey’s resplendent she-mullet is looking almost normal in panel two, there, buster. Not nearly enough poof on top.

Dick Tracy, 12/18/06

The QLUNQ in today’s Dick Tracy has generated more comments and e-mails than any other comic sound effect in recent memory, most of which can be summed up as “What the hell kind of sound effect is QLUNQ?” Well, the largest denomination of U.S. currency in current circulation is the $100 bill, and there’s 50,000 bills in that suitcase, and 490 bills weigh one pound, so I’d say QLUNQ is the noise that 102 pounds of money and a suitcase make when they run into the side of a human skull. 102 pounds of money and a suitcase thrown one-armed, incidentally. And they say scientists are skinny, nerdy types!

Dennis the Menace, 12/18/06

Well, Dennis has certainly left meancehood behind long ago, but we can take heart that at least he hasn’t gone so far in the other direction as to have become Christ-like.

Yet, anyway.

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Apartment 3-G, 12/17/06

Actual exchange between Mrs. C. and myself on the topic of this comic only moments ago:

Mrs. C.: Is she supposed to be really attractive or something?

Me: I’m unconvinced.

Seriously, I really hope that the Magical Power Of Ghost Albert Pinkham Ryder is making Lu Ann supernaturally attractive, because otherwise I am calling shenaningans on her ability to instantly cast a spell on nerdy cultural service types everywhere. Last week it was the shouty librarian; this week it appears to be a young Trent Lott.

FYI, least effective pick-up line ever: “I’m a docent!”

Mary Worth, 12/17/06

The terrible trio lined up in panel one is frankly giving me the creeps. “Tom Dewey took on the mob! Now he must face this nefarious trifecta of supervillans. The Green Beast! Psychic Canary! And, their leader … the Scarlet Bouffant!”

With all the pointing and lunging and shucking and jiving going on here, someone better at that sort of thing than me ought to try to set this dialogue to a toe-tapping tune. It could form the triumphant climax to Condo Association Rules: The Musical! Which reminds me that I have been totally neglectful in not linking to this totally awesome thing. I forgot now which one of you created this masterpiece; please, stand up and take a bow in the comments and I’ll give you the props you deserve.

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The Phantom, 12/16/06

I’m not going to lie to you: I love love love the Phantom’s always awesome NEXT: boxes. They can be by turns catchy and taunting. This particular example raises the intriguing prospect of NEXT: boxes that consider the ancillary details of the situation being portrayed. Like if the big purple guy is secretly hitching a ride on a military helicopter to Rhodia, and we get NEXT: What’s the weather like there? Or if the Ghost Who Walks is punching out some ne’er-do-wells as faithful Devil looks on, and we’re confronted with NEXT: Heartworms!

This strip is well known for its love of the interrobang, but Denton’s administrative assistant is so startled by the sight of President Luaga’s muscular assertion of executive authority that she’s just plain bangobanging.

Herb and Jamaal, 12/16/06

You know, I’ve always thought of Herb and Jamaal as, if not B.C.-style theocratic or even Family Circus-style churchy, at least kind of church friendly. That was before today, when we saw that the seemingly friendly Rev. Croom is in fact a money-grubbing charlatan. I look forward to future installments, where the good Reverent is forced into a reparative therapy facility after being caught with a male prostitute and boatload of meth, and his flock mostly turns their back on Christ as a result.

Pluggers, 12/16/06

So, pluggers are Bloods, eh? That’s it, I’m joining the Crips.