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Folks, today is what would’ve been Peanuts creator Charles Schulz’s 100th birthday! I feel pretty strongly that he was the best who ever did it in the newspaper comics world, and one of the great things he did was not hand off the strip to a child or assistant and create one more zombie lurching across the funny pages.

Anyway, most of the strips (zombie or otherwise) are celebrating Peanuts today, and most of those celebrations and great and heartfelt. But this website isn’t called the Comics Respecter, so for this Thanksgiving Saturday I’m going to bring you the two worst ones. Enjoy!

Marvin, 11/26/22

Feel like this is the very worst of the bunch. Ha ha, Marvin is talking about the comic strip Peanuts, but his friend has never heard of it and thinks he’s talking about peanuts, the food! And why would he have heard of the comic strip, anyway? It stopped running in papers years ago and these guys are literal babies. Honestly it’s pretty weird that Marvin knows about it. Anyway, that’s it, the third panel is just wasted, and we assume these two babies move onto some other conversational topic that they can both engage with on equal terms. Couldn’t even be bothered to wedge a poop joke in there. Sad!

Beetle Bailey, 11/26/22

Speaking of sad, before they did this strip, the team over at Walker-Browne Amalgamated Humor Industries LLC probably briefly contemplated what their lives would be like if all comics artists were as protective of their creations as Charles Schulz was. Or maybe they didn’t! Honestly, nothing that’s ever appeared in this strip implies that they’re real introspective over there. Either way, their vision for this assignment was “What the town where the entire Peanuts gang lives was washed away in a flood, with a terrified Snoopy the only survivor?”

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As you digest your turkey, please enjoy this comment of the week:

“‘I didn’t think you needed a prescription to get ibuprofen.’ ‘Look, who’s the fake doctor here? Do you have scrubs you got at a post-Halloween costume sale? No. Now shut up while I write you another script for an ice pack.’” –Truckosaurus

And the very funny runners up!

“The future, DustinDad, is sweatpants.” –random driveby commenter

“What the hell is up with Buck in the next to last panel? ‘Hmm, I guess that’s good news. I need to tell Truck what’s up, [thought bubble] and warn him that the poison didn’t work.’” –Hibbleton

“Well, I’ve done nothing, my work here is done.” –TheDiva

“No, Billy, you will not be going to market today, for the red star is a symbol of the glorious Communist revolution that is now upon us! (You’re going to re-education camp. Take your jacket. There will be no recess.)” –pastordan

“‘*Sigh* I’ve been expecting you’ is the Funkyverse’s version of ‘Norm!!!’” –taig

“Is an insult or a compliment if someone calls you ‘a very funny man‘ but it’s literally in the context of a fairy tale?” –Joe Blevins

“If you don’t have a neck and there’s no differentiation between your head and your body, just a round hairy cone tapering steadily out from scalp to gut, and your chin is growing from your breast bone, and without clothes to disguise it your naked body is revealed as an unholy abomination, you’re probably a plugger.” –Schroduck

“The unsung hero colorist on Dick Tracy almost certainly got editorial instruction like ‘his face is darkly colored from the MRI accident’ and had to pick just the right color to avoid an Incident.” –Dan

“I’m skeptical that pluggers ever quickly realize anything.” –nescio

“They didn’t steal your car. You just did a hospital procedure without insurance (crime pays but does not have job benefits) so instead of charging you and passing your debt to a collection agency, the hospital decided to cut out the middleman and simply take your car.” –Ettorre

“In janitor-man’s time everybody makes terrible jokes and is allowed only two expressions: smug and bored. He’s here at ground zero to kill that future in its cradle.” –gormadoc

“As usual, there’s a lot to unpack in this strip, but what confuses me is the big bold NOVEMBER in the first panel. This is a daily strip, right? Is it … just there to remind their readership what month it is? Do they think that the people who enjoy their work are also the types to forget what time of year it is? Harsh, man.” –pugfuggly

“Grampa gives a hearty chuckle. ‘Yes, loathsome little beast, isn’t he? I keep telling them better late than never when it comes to, er, family planning, but you know how young people are these days. No gumption!’” –Violet

“Look at the bright side, Fitch. At least you’re apparently drinking during the day in a well lit bar.” –Tabby Lavalamp

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Gil Thorp, 11/25/22

Gil has dug some old game tape out of a box to give us the supervillain origin story of his hated coaching rival, and the truly shocking information we learn is that (a) back in 1987 ,Marty Moon had a Fu Manchu mustache, and (b) back in 1987, football broadcasts used to just cut to commercial in the middle of some of the most exciting plays in the game.

Dennis the Menace, 11/25/22

Dennis’s grandfather always looks smug, but he’s really turned it up a notch here. “That’s right, George,” he’s thinking, “You have to put up with this little brat’s bullshit 24/7, and I get to come visit occasionally, get all the credit and affection, then fly back to my ‘active seniors’ community in Palm Springs just in time for the weekly key party. Suck it, loser!”

Dustin, 11/25/22

Dustin’s pal Fitch hasn’t really had much of a personality developed other than “is dumb,” so it’s quite striking to learn today that he’s a problem drinker with a great deal of self-loathing about it. Fitch, I hope you draw comfort in knowing that all of us have our struggles! For instance, I experience quite a bit of self-loathing because I’m able to remember the names of secondary Dustin characters without looking them up.