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My little friend is not so little anymore, Toby! In fact, she's quite large! Enormous, in fact! Nine foot six and getting taller by the day! It's actually quite alarming! We're getting into I'm a Virgo territory here! Did you watch that miniseries, by the way? It was on Amazon Prime a couple of years ago! Jharrel Jerome is a treasure! Some great performances by Elijah Wood and Walton Goggins as well, which reminds me that I need to start my Justified rewatch. Oh, Margo Martindale is another treasure, especially as a voice in BoJack Horseman. Anyway, Olive is a giant, is the point I'm trying to make.

—els
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Mark Trail uses his powers for evil rather than good

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Mark Trail, 3/5/06

In the Sunday Mark Trails, there’s typically something of a disconnect between the whimsical animal antics art and the all-learning-and-crap dialogue. However, in this wasp-themed installment, the gap is so large it calls for that nuclear bomb of Comics Curmudgeon analysis: What They Say And What They Mean!

What he says What he means
“There are several types of wasps, and the ones we are probably most familiar with are the social wasps, including the yellow jackets and hornets!” Wasps, beautiful wasps — with their deadly stings! Soon they will obey my every command!
“Scientists work with many creatures to help improve our lives, and wasps play a major role in their studies!” Yes, go ahead and sting me, my beauties … little do you know that I’ve injected the mind control serum into my own blood! Drink, drink your fill! Each prick brings me closer to absolute power!
“Insects live everywhere — on land, in the air, and in water — and they may someday soon be used in security programs and even to detect diseases such as cancer!” Ahhh, I can feel the buzzing in my own mind now! Your tiny, deadly bodies are an extension of my being! Soon no one will be able to stop me!
“For years, scientists have been working with a species of nonstinging wasps to sniff out drugs, bombs, bodies, etc… They say that the wasps are as sensitive to odors as dogs.” What’s this? A squirrel? Yes, come closer to my minions’ nest, little creature. Don’t be too cautious … cautious like my colleagues at Oxford. They said my theories were dangerous! They called me mad! We’ll see who’s mad now! Come closer, you filthy, wretched tree rat! CLOSER!
“Researchers expose hungry wasps to the target odor, then feed them sugar water … After 3 repetitions of sniffing and feeding, the insects associate the odor with feeding. Wasps could be used to locate explosives at airports, land mines, drugs, etc… They could also be used to monitor crops for toxins. Where it takes months to train dogs, it only takes 5 minutes to train wasps. The technology may be ready to use in 3-8 years, and scientists believe many other types of invertebrates can be used to sniff out trouble.” NOW, MY LOVELIES! STRIKE! KILL! KILL! MUHAHAHAHAHA!

Ahem. In other news, here’s today’s Daily Rex Morgan, M.D. Gay Innuendo Joke (DRMMDGIJ™):

Not hardly, kid.

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Saturday soap lessons

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The Phantom, 3/4/06

Here’s what you learned, kids: the Phantom is an evil bastard who will mess with your minds. It’ll take about five minutes to have that discussion; the rest of the hike will pass in awkward, resentful silence.

And what else have we learned?

Apartment 3-G, 3/4/06

We learned that MARGO MAGEE IS AN UNCONTROLLABLE HUMAN TIME BOMB OF EVIL! SHE IS NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR HER ACTIONS! DON’T TAKE HER ANYWHERE! DON’T LET HER LEAVE THE HOUSE! SHE LEAVES ONLY SHATTERED LIVES IN HER WAKE!

And one more thing we learned:

Panel from Rex Morgan, M.D., 3/4/06

We learned that felt good! But we think you already knew that, Rex.

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Sex, drugs, and rock and roll

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Blondie, 3/3/06

I think we should take a break from the rampant gay sex innuendo in Rex Morgan, M.D., and take a look at the rampant drug lingo in Blondie. I was in a bowling league for the better part of a decade and never, ever heard of anyone bowling a couple of “lines.” I think we all know what Herb and Dagwood were doing with some “lines” without their wives before the censors got their hands on this strip. Soon the comics will no doubt be rife with drug innuendo:

  • Sally Forth to Ted Forth: “Say, Hillary’s at her friend’s; do you want to go out back and ‘pull’ some ‘weeds’?”
  • Leroy Lockhorn to nameless acquaintance: “Loretta used to really get to me, but now I make sure to ‘ride’ the ‘horse’ before I get home, and I’m too blissed out to worry about anything.”
  • Dot Flagston to Ditto Flagston: “Let’s get f’ed up on PCP and try to ram mom’s station wagon into a cop car.”

Tsk.

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