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Sorry I missed a day yesterday … all that Finger Quotin’ left me exhausted. But there’s a-doings a-transpiring in many a soaper, so we need to cover at least the high points…

Judge Parker, 6/22/06

Oh, snap! If you’re not following Judge Parker, this is Raju, junior-high-age Sophie’s Internet-recruited Indian “personal assistant,” who travelled to America thinking that she was a college student and hoping to woo her into marriage. There was a loathsome installment earlier this week where he weepingly told her that he had thought that she and he might make “little Rajus” together, but I think this strip, where she insults his teeth, is a lot funnier.

Spider-Man, 6/22/06

Yeah, because expressing jealousy towards someone is iron-clad proof that you planned to kill them. Way to use your relative jumping-to-conclusions ability of a spider, there, Parker.

Admittedly, sitting around your mansion watching films of your failed auditions with your creepy manservant is a little strange. A little strange and lot ripped off from Sunset Boulevard.

Mary Worth, 6/22-23/06

Oh, man, Mary’s little golf-cart-drivin’ Jeff fantasy is yesterday’s strip is just too, too delicious. But the narrative tension caused by the arrangement of the panels in today’s strip, combined with the look of grim resignation on Dr. Cory’s face, implies that there’s rough waters ahead for our senior citizen lovers. Is Jeff going to tell Mary that he’s leaving town to be with a seventeen-year-old girl he fell in love with on MySpace? Or is just upset that she demanded he wear that nice paramecium golf shirt she bought him for once? At least they’re not going to be twinsies if he shows up at this party today.

For Better Or For Worse, 6/23/06

God damn, Paul the Mountie will grab anyone’s ass.

I’m mainly posting this just to acknowledge that yes, you aren’t crazy, the strips on the FBOFW site really are blinking at you and yes, it plumbs depths of creepy that I didn’t even know existed before.

Funky Winkerbean, 6/23/06

I don’t want to say that this Funky Winkerbean plotline, in which the hot popular girl repeatedly throws herself at the dorky kid for no real reason, is some sort of wish fulfillment fantasy on the part of the artist, but … OK, actually, I guess I do want to say that. Dorky kid has been pretty freaked out for the duration, so I assume we’re going to learn a Valuable Lesson about high school chicks who go too fast and the nerds they terrify.

Mark Trail, 6/23/06

Man, this Mark Trail plot is turning out to be pretty awesome, and we haven’t even got to the tiger penises yet. I love how Kelly just lies around her pink bedroom in a slip lovingly copied from Liz Taylor’s Butterfield 8 get-up, plotting out loud and giving a look of evil sexiness to no one in particular.

One Big Happy, 6/23/06

It’s not a soap opera, but One Big Happy has been running with the same plot all week, which is sort of unusual. Can I just say I love Earl the vacuum cleaner fetishist a lot? You live that dream, Earl. You live it.

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Baldo, 6/21/06

Hey, Baldo, not everybody who objects to improper use of quotation marks is a humorless pedant, OK? We know how to have a good time! We know how to cut loose! We do that by dressing up as characters from a soap opera comic strip!

I wouldn’t expect you to understand.

Folks, I need to say that I am totally awestruck by your response to this project. As if I wasn’t already feeling all warm and fuzzy that several thousand people a day come visit to share my obsession with all things comical, I’ve apparently convinced 15 otherwise sane individuals to dress up like a character from soap opera comic strip and send me their pictures. I’m about to cry a single majestic tear myself.

In the most important sense, you are all winners. But since this is America and we’re not commie pinkos, only one of you will actually be the winner and appear on a mug. Which one of you that will be, I cannot say at this time. I will probably dedicate a lot of thought on the subject this weekend and come to my Solomonic decision on Monday, though I guarantee nothing about that schedule. Meanwhile, though, let’s all look at and appreciate the truly amazing folks who sent me their wacky pictures.

Let’s start with the pics I posted last week. First there’s AirForbes:

RetroVirus:

Bria:

Lucy Van Pelt (including a pic she sent that I didn’t run before, altered with the magic of Photoshop filters):

And Dr. Jeff Cory, the only male type with the cojones to enter:

Now, the new batch! First off is a contestant who didn’t respond to my question about what name she’d like to be known as … I’ll just call her “Contestant #1”:

Here’s JennyFromDaBuck:

Margaret, who served as the model portion of a team that also included Justin and Dji:

Miss Molly:

A couple from mon-ma-tron, the first naturalistic, the second Photoshoppified:

Rem Koolhaas:

Talia:

tanya2s (note subtle Photoshoppery):

And, last but certainly not least, here’s an entry from a dynamic duo of sisters, tracibub and jenners (it’s not clear to me which one was behind the camera and which one was in front of it):

Then there are the drawings. Dave Willis’ Margo à la Warhol is bound for glory:

Then we have this offering from the Baldwin Gallery:

Pantsman offers this exercize in mashups/copyright violation (“This will likely make a lot more sense if you’ve actually seen the Family Guy episode in which crazy Margot Kidder has dinner with the Griffins,” he says):

Finally, there’s this compelling yet terrifying drawing from CulturePulp artist Mike Russell:

Enjoy! While I figure out how the hell I’m going to pick just one. What have I gotten myself into?

Meanwhile, don’t forget the golden rule of commenting on these pictures, which is that they are your fellow community members so BE NICE. This rule can be broken down into two categories: DON’T BE MEAN and DON’T BE CREEPY! Don’t mess up my warm and fuzzy love for you all by breaking the rules, people!

UPDATE: It’s been pointed out to me, quite rightly, that we ought to have the original for comparison. Here she is, in all her glory:

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Apartment 3-G, 6/21/06

Oh, boo hoo, Lu Ann! It’s Alan’s big art opening, and he’s not paying any attention to the most important thing: you! Sob! Sob!

I guess she’s supposed to be upset because she’s caught some strumpet hanging off of her former man. But since the girl in question appears to be Alan’s twelve-year-old niece, Lu Ann either has nothing to worry about or a whole lot to worry about.

They’ll Do It Every Time, 6/21/06

Totally, 100 percent awesome things about today’s TDIET:

• Use of the “beat up jeans are more fashionable than non-beat-up jeans” joke, roughly thirty-five years after it might have been amusing to anyone, anywhere.
• Total failure to do even thirty seconds of Internet research to discover what a pair of high-priced distressed jeans might actually look like.
• Use of the phrase “Hobo gathering”.
• Use of the porn-influenced spelling “howcum” for “How come”.