The Comics Curmudgeon

Main Menu

Social Media

514

Various Christmas miracles

Post Content

Rex Morgan, M.D., 12/24/24

Fellas! Did your asshole doctor tell you that the reason you feel like shit is because you spend all your time on the couch watching TV and that you should get some steps in, and then you had the bright idea of putting a treadmill in front of the TV, but then your shrew wife vetoed the idea because it would be “expensive” and “ugly”? Well, have you considered hiring some guys to stab you in your own neighborhood on the very first time you go for a walk? Sure, you’ll get stabbed, but your wife will feel terrible and buy you an ugly treadmill to put in front of the TV, so it might be worth it. You’ll probably give her a case of agoraphobia in the process, but it’s probably worth it.

Mary Worth, 12/24/24

I apologize earlier for issuing a red alert over “bowling hunk Christmas week storyline in Mary Worth,” because I didn’t realize that we’d actually hit the level of “bowling hunk first date literally on Christmas Day,” but here we are. What’s above red alert? Because this seems like it needs a higher alert.

Slylock Fox, 12/24/24

Slylock is shaking Santa’s hand and saying “Don’t worry, despite the recent unpleasantness, any surviving humans will be welcomed into the society of the Forest Kingdom and be granted provisional citizenship” and Max is feeding the reindeer and carrot and saying “Hey, buddy. I know you can understand me. You ever think about standing on your hind legs? You ever think about using those razor-sharp hooves to slice a man’s throat open?”

152

Holidays loom ominously

Post Content

Judge Parker, 12/23/24

Aw, isn’t that nice? Sam is going to let Alan enjoy the holidays and wait until the new year until he yells at him for sheltering his criminal daughter. Personally speaking, I’d like to get it out of the way now, you know? No worse way to spend the holiday then dwelling on “Ah, what kind of pissy scold am I going to get from Sam Driver about my latest criminal antics” when I could be exchanging gifts with my family or getting drunk or whatever.

Blondie, 12/23/24

Look, I’m not afraid to say it: A giant stocking stuffed full with cookies and two kinds of meat sounds disgusting. It’s all going to get mixed together and lint from the stocking will stick to everything! I’m not a food snob by any stretch of the imagination but Dagwood’s whole deal is very gross.

Gasoline Alley, 12/23/24

Santa, famously, sees you when you’re sleeping and knows when you’re awake. To this list of surveillance crimes, add another: every time somebody gives birth, anywhere in the world, he’s watching. He’s watching … and he remembers. He remembers everything.

146

Ho ho NO

Post Content

Pardon My Planet, 12/22/24

One of my least favorite genres of “Images You Can Buy On A Poster Or T-Shirt” is “Two Dead Celebrities Dressed In Vaguely Rockabilly Outfits And One Is Giving The Other One A Tattoo And The Whole Thing Feels Vaguely And Unpleasantly Sexual.” I’ve seen this with Marilyn Monroe and Audrey Hepburn (on a giant poster hanging in the men’s room of a restaurant that seemed otherwise respectable) and Charlie Chaplin and Albert Einstein (on a t-shirt hanging on rack outside a store in Italy). This comic isn’t quite the same thing but I think we can agree it’s in the same general ballpark, and that ballpark is distasteful.

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 12/22/24

No, I don’t buy this at all. A Christmas Carol is famously one of Dickens’s shortest books and Snuffy is a notoriously stunted and gnome-like man and was presumably even smaller as a child. I’m beginning to suspect he can’t tell different books apart, possibly because he’s illiterate.

Marvin, 12/22/24

Can you imagine feeling like you have to continue to live with Marvin, for you own safety and survival, and the thought of being separated from him sends you into a state of panic? Bleak stuff.