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Hagar the Horrible, 7/5/24

I know the joke here is that you think the buffet owner has “won” this coin toss because it means someone will be patronizing his restaurant, but in fact he has “lost” it because that patron is Hagar, whose rapacious appetite will result in an unprofitable transaction. But everyone’s expression in the second panel almost got me to Google “did Vikings ever engage in cannibalism” before I remembered that most webpages about Viking culture are either written by neo-pagans talking about how Vikings were very nice and kind of woke, actually, or by neo-fascists talking about how Vikings were very nice and extremely representative of the superiority of the Nordic bloodline, actually, so I decided to skip it.

Dustin, 7/5/24

Wow. They said it couldn’t be done. They said it was impossible. They said, “There will never be a Dustin strip that Josh laughs at unironically.” But today, they did it. And all it took was having the character I feel the most neutrally about insult the character I hate the most. This should be an inspiration to everyone. Your dreams can come true, if you work hard enough.

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Happy 4th of July, everybody! It’s the day when everyone, Americans and non-Americans alike, comes together to celebrate America. How are you spending the holiday?

Mary Worth, 7/4/24

Are you doing it the “right way” — by contemplating the legal and administrative aspects of the termination of the American-British colonial relationship, while silently watching fireworks?

Gearhead Gertie, 7/4/24

Or are you doing it the “wrong” way — by contemplating the forcible displacement of your ideological and cultural enemies to a faraway place? Remember: one of the potential drawbacks of a mass ethnic cleansing campaign is that you may one day decide you also want to possess the area where you exiled your opponents to. Think of how spectacular bank turns and car crashes would be in Mars’s lower gravity! Can we afford to leave this beautiful, exciting planet in the hands of anti-NASCAR scum?

Judge Parker, 7/4/24

You might remember a throwaway line from a few weeks ago when Sophie claimed that she had “no romantic drama in [her] life.” In fact, there’s a Lucas, a guy who has feelings for her that she doesn’t reciprocate (or maybe does, but she feels like she can’t be in a romantic relationship because her last one ended in that whole car accident/kidnapping situation), but she told him she still wants to be friends and they’re still hanging out, and I realize that Sophie is just in college and not wise in the ways of love yet, but I regret to inform her that the situation I just described does in fact constitute a certain kind of romantic drama, and a not a fun kind. Anyway, this boy is also super rich, and has invited Sophie and her friend to his family’s compound on Long Island and let them go to their private beach unattended, neglecting to mention to them that the adjacent waters are shark-infested. This will be just like the movie Jaws, which took place over 4th of July weekend!

Rex Morgan, M.D., 7/4/24

Sorry, I don’t have a 4th of July tie-in for this one, but I do want to point out that the Rex Morgan bully has a dumb dad who looks almost exactly like him, but older. How do I know he’s dumb? Because he clearly doesn’t know who’s calling him in panel one and doesn’t want to talk to them but answers the phone anyway. It’s 2024, buddy! You can just send it straight to voicemail, except you never set up your voicemail, so the person calling you can’t even leave a voicemail!

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Mary Worth, 7/3/24

Do you, Jeff? Do you know what’s like to go through a rough patch? Because I’ve been reading this strip for a while, and as near as I can tell the Dr. Jeff Corey Emotional Spectrum mostly ranges from “wry amusement” to “mild annoyance.” Whenever truly powerful emotions make an appearance — an urge to be of service, say, or rising panic as your sinuses begin to clog — you simply flee the area (to Vietnam and away from Mary’s cat-dander-filled apartment, respectively). And this is, frankly, how Mary likes it! Wilbur may be OK as a “quirky good friend,” but when it comes to sort-of-boyfriends, our gal demands an even keel and does not want to have her Bum Boat dinners interrupted by a lot of “feelings.”

Pluggers, 7/3/24

Now, probably you’re expecting me to try to figure out whether the point of this joke is “pluggers don’t take Viagra because, despite their age, their erections are still firm and vigorous” or “pluggers don’t take Viagra because nobody wants to have sex with them.” But, nope! That’s not an angle I care to explore. Sorry to disappoint! No, I have a different complaint. I take levothyroxine daily, as it happens; I’m not even sad that this gives me something in common with pluggers, because not long after I was diagnosed with a hypoactive thyroid, we found out that Mary Worth’s Iris had a similar ailment, so frankly nothing can hurt me in that regard. But why is this plugger’s levothyroxine blue? Mine is just boring white. Do I not deserve a little splash of color in my morning? Should a plugger live a more aesthetic life than I do?

Gasoline Alley, 7/3/24

I really appreciate the visual storytelling here. As this tree guy says “$7,000,” he’s pointing to the part of his estimate where “$7,000” has been helpfully printed in a large, bold font, which tells us that not only is Walt’s hearing aid acting up, but he needs a new glasses prescription as well.

Family Circus, 7/3/24

Over the years of doing this blog, the strip I’ve gained the most respect for is the Family Circus. The stereotype is that it’s all panels of kids saying the darnedest things that old people lovingly cut out of the paper and hang on their refrigerators; but two or three days a week on average, the joke is actually that little kids are very annoying. Maybe old people cut these out too, but then casually cover them up with mediocre report cards or whatever when the grandkids come over.