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Crock, 2/13/22

“Trooper Megan” was added to the case of Crock years ago in an attempt to mollify the woke mob who threatened to cancel this widely beloved strip because its gang of scrappy, lovable French people imposing colonial rule on Algeria were all, sexistly, men. Unfortunately, we can see that true equality has not been achieved in the Foreign Legion, because Megan is primarily in charge of the occupation’s emotional labor.

Dustin, 2/13/22

Dustin is, of course, a strip about put-upon old people and the young people they have to deal with in their lives, who are, a result of their youngness, terrible. And you might ask: what are young people supposed to take away from this? Why should they get on board? Well, today’s strip makes it clear: there’s always someone younger and more terrible than you to look down on.

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Dennis the Menace, 2/12/22

This is in reality an extremely egregious example of working backwards from a punchline to a joke, without putting much effort in trying to figure out how to make the backstory work logically, but damn it, now I’m trying to figure out the backstory behind a guy receiving an epiphany from the Lord above at a church and then switching to another church. I’m imagining the heavens opening and a divine voice informing Mr. Wilson that his current denomination, the General Six-Principle Baptists, were heretics, as were the General Association of Baptists, the General Association of General Baptists, and the General Association of Regular Baptist Churches, and only the General Conference of the Evangelical Baptist Church carried the true faith.

Mark Trail, 2/12/22

You know, I remember a time when Rusty would be over the moon just to be allowed to go on a trip with Mark and Cherry, and would certainly not plan on killing a cryptid for social media fame without their permission. I guess it’s true that the only way to raise a respectful ward son is to keep him in a “Rusty coop” out back 350 days a year. Parents these days are going soft, and it’s the source of nothing but trouble!

Pluggers, 2/12/22

I think a lot about a story a friend once told me about a Bay Area Vietnamese restaurant that was famous for serving fake but very convincing meat in its dishes. Once my friend was eating there and a guy came in and started berating the owner, who always was out and about serving as host, about how even though they weren’t serving meat they were still promoting meat culture, which is a culture of death. The owner listened to his whole diatribe stone-faced and finally just replied, “Look, we’re Buddhists, we like pork but we can’t eat it.” Anyway, after seeing this panel, I’m going to spend my weekend working on “horseshoe theory, but for pluggers.”

Dick Tracy, 2/12/22

This doesn’t actually have anything to do with the Moran case directly; Dick just knows that the best way to loosen up and get his head “into the zone” as we go into the weekend is to hunt a PR guy for sport.

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Which gendered celebration are you looking forward to in the next few days: romantic love or American-style gridiron football? Remember, you can choose only one! But fortunately, we can all enjoy this comment of the week:

“‘Time away?’ I recognize that euphemism. They decided to tell everyone Wilbur was in prison, didn’t they? It’s less embarrassing than the truth.” –Peanut Gallery

And these runners up as well!

“Is the ‘Winter Olympics’ reference topical or coincidental? I mean, he could just as easily have said, ‘I feel like Charlie Chaplin in The Gold Rush,’ which would pass for topical to Blondie’s readership.” –Pozzo

“I don’t know why today’s strip prompted me to think about this, but when Dagwood’s body is autopsied his stomach contents are really going to cause a kerfuffle in the coroner world.” –Tabby Lavalamp

“Crankshaft died while praying, so he won’t go to hell. As a last act of spite, he won’t grant us any satisfaction.” –Ettore_Costa, on Twitter

“Hagar is hopeful because he’s finally discovered that he can have a Box Of Arrows delivered directly to the battlefield. Lucky Eddie knows this is just the beginning of a hyper-capitalistic frenzy that will separate the Vikings into a struggling mass of low-paid gig workers and a tiny exploitative elite who will profit from sending them on increasingly dangerous raiding expeditions.” –But What Do I Know?

“‘Wilbur!’ should be the only line of dialogue permitted in Mary Worth from now on.” –Nigel Richardson, on Facebook

“It’s okay, Joey, cry it out. But make it quick. All these bodies aren’t going to hide themselves.” –jroggs

“You’re a plugger if your only cruising option is an extremely-low-traffic public bathroom.” –Roto13

“Mary has gotten to the point in her gaslighting where she’s now producing a cloud of methane around her at all times and we can already see the effect it has on Ian. He should be caber tossing Wilbur out of his apartment and reclaiming everything that mayonnaise fingered wiener touched but instead he’s placidly smiling at him with the look of a man who is both watching an amusing news story and wishing for death.” –Needless_Exposition

“Some say it’s a miracle? SOME SAY IT’S A MIRACLE? The very demons of Hell saved your life, Wilbur.” –Professor Well Actually

“I’m convinced today’s episode is a cruel and elaborate pantomime put on by Toby, holding her phone just offscreen, to whom the other characters are glancing to see if they’re getting their lines right. Wilbur’s going to be a TikTok sensation, but not for the reasons he thinks.” –pastordan

“Crazy that the Blondie comic we know today is the retooled version meant to be more relatable in the wake of the Great Depression. Nothing says ‘man of the people’ like a dipshit in a bowtie saying, ‘Are you guys psyched for the big game?’ then cutting off your response with a demand to serve him food.” –Dan

“Ever thought how boring this job would be if we didn’t give the Mitchells a smaller table every time they come in?” –Handsome Harry Backstayge, Idol of a Million Other Women

“Cressida? Honestly, not one of the Bard’s best works. None of the Problem Plays are standouts, to be sure, but the genre confusion in Troilus and Cressida is so extreme as to render the play unenjoyable, no matter what Joyce Carol Oats says. Honestly, I’m surprised the drama club is planning to stage it at all. Oh, you meant Cressa? She’s out in the garage having trouble dividing six by two.” –Voshkod

“A few minutes later Rex walks out of the exam room. ‘Nope. That guy wasn’t funny at all.’” –Liam

“Intruigued by those hand gestures June is making. ‘Yep, just snip him, spank him and send him on his way. TGIF, ammirite?’” –pugfuggly

“The delivery of the line ‘I guess birthdays have a drawback,’ as if this has literally never occurred to Toby before, puts her at about 25, tops.” –T Campbell

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