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Shoe, 9/28/21

The obvious version of this joke would have the Professor deliver his first line looking at his desk at work, or maybe in his home office. But nope, instead he’s saying it while looking at his living room chair, and I assume that the “lots” he has to do involves catching up on various prestige television shows and finishing off yesterday’s pizza and snacks, which he’s blowing off to read about golf instead. A true legend of sloth!

Blondie, 9/28/21

I’ve never really gotten a handle on how old Elmo is supposed to be, exactly, but I refuse to acknowledge a scenario where he’s capable of drawing Mr. Dithers’s and Dagwood’s faces (side note: there is no reason for Elmo to have ever met or even seen a picture of Mr. Dithers) with such precision, and yet be unable to properly write the letter E. I have to assume that he’s chosen a whimsical “childish” signature as part of his artistic #brand, which may explain why he’s placed (in-universe) photorealistic drawings on stick-figure bodies.

Beetle Bailey, 9/28/21

You’ve got to admit that “killed stateside by friendly fire” was always the most probably way for Beetle Bailey to die, just edging out “organ failure from repeated beatings from Sarge” and “slept too hard.”

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Mary Worth, 9/27/21

“Bonjour, mes amis! Eet ees I, Pierre, narrating my new life with zees Weelbur character! Many Americans like to make big jokes about zee French and our military — how-you-say — misadventures in zee first half of zee 20th century! But let it not be said that we have not learned from our errors! For instance: keeping our army behind zee Maginot Line, waiting for zee Boche to attack? A foolish notion, as it turned out! That is why I am responding to zees one’s threatened aggression weeth a pre-emptive attack! Take zat, you terrible shoes! Trust me, Weelbur, once you get over your anger, you will thank me when you upgrade to something much more fashionable! And zat is how we shall eventually become friends, just like zee French and zee Boche today.”

Blondie, 9/27/21

I hate to be the guy pining for the long-lost past of comic strips. I’m not even going to demand a return to the Blondie of the 1930s, which featured delightfully detailed drawings of Blondie’s roommate being stood up at the altar by an ether-crazed Dagwood. I just want someone at this strip to go back to thinking up fun names for its off-screen characters, and knock it off with the incredibly on-the-nose ones. It’s a contract, which is about money, so I guess the person or company they’re signing the contract with is named … Moolah? We don’t need this brand of comics onomastics, Blondie, we already have Beetle Bailey!

Pluggers, 9/27/21

I am definitely assuming this plugger is using a grocery cart to push her giant purse around her own home. Not going to do any further research on this one!

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Six Chix, 9/26/21

Wait, isn’t the Phantom of the Opera’s whole deal that he lives in the opera house full time, mostly in a lair in the basement, and he never leaves? I’ve never read or seen any version of this story, but I’m very sure about this and the “boating on the Seine” thing bothers me so much! It’s always fun for me to discover a new thing that I’m violently pedantic about despite having no emotional stakes in it whatsoever, I tell you what.

Beetle Bailey, 9/26/21

I like the fact that Rocky is just sitting there at his otherwise empty desk with a pencil in his hand. I realize this is because everything in Beetle Bailey by law has to be as on-the-nose as possible, and he’s an editor and that’s a thing that involves writing, but I’d like to imagine that Rocky actually writes the entire Camp Swampy Bugle out every day by hand with a pencil, and there’s only ever one copy, and it’s always delivered to General Halftrack, and Rocky deliberately misspells his name to antagonize him.